Why is it so hard for them to be parents
Why is it so hard for these DHs to be parents and not friends to their children? They don't seem to be able to make rules and follow through with the consequences. I might understand if they only had them once in a while but when they have 50/50 custody or even every other weekend, these children need a parent, not another friend.
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I think it's partly because
I think it's partly because of ex wives tell the kids daddy left us he is bad ect. And they have this crippling fear of being "the bad guy"
Very true
That is very true.... And alot of these women use the child to control DH and constantly threaten to take the children away.... There has to be a way to help these DHs understand they can't be controlled this way.
Haven't found any yet but
Haven't found any yet but hopefully there will be an "aha" moment...perhaps they have lost custody of their balls in the divorce? Lol
Lol
I actually asked my DH if he would request his balls back from the judge lol
They want their kids to love
They want their kids to love them and they think the only way to do that is to be their friend.
When DH was going down that road we talked a lot about his relationship with his parents. They are still married, 52 years, but I think a lot of it is the same.
DH hated his dad when he was a teen, his dad was very hard on him. Never gave him any money, DH had to get a job, never let him slack when DH worked with his dad, made him respect his elders, never gave him choices about where they were going to live or where they went for vacation or what was for dinner! His mom was always very loving but she didn’t contradict her husband.
When I asked DH about his relationship with his Dad now, he said it was much better. As a teen he resented the work and not having a say. As an adult he’s grateful for the work ethic he has and the respect he gets from others, because he learned respect from his father.
We talked about how he wanted his kids to turn out, what kind of adults he wanted them to be. He realized that if his Dad had been his friend and let him do what he wanted, he wouldn’t be the adult he is. We also talked about how his parents were a united front, even though his mom was easier on him.
He decided he wanted strong, productive kids and so he became a parent. It didn’t matter what BM was doing, he would tell the skids “I love you and want you to grow up to have a good life, that’s why you’re not getting ————-.”
It worked. There were times they weren’t happy but he’d say “I’m your father, not your friend. Go hang out with your friends if you want someone who thinks you’re right all the time.”
Good advice
Very good way of handling the situation, kudos to you. Great advice. I just might have to try this angle, supposed to be having a "talk" tonight...
There was recently a $60
There was recently a $60 million lotto here, no tax on lottery winning in Canada FYI, DH said he’d put it all into a trust & give all our kids a monthly paycheque. It would be anywhere from $2K to $5K per month.
I said not a chance! No way I would cripple my child like that!
He was so confused. He thought it would give them a leg up, a chance to build a business and live a great life. After a long talk he realized that our kids wouldn’t ever work again. They’d all happily take the income and just drift. Mine would play video games till his eyes fell out, SD would jump on a plane and we’d never see her, and SS, well I’m not positive but I think he might just keep working his 9-5 and give his money to BM so that he didn’t have to listen to her complain about how she has no money!
He needs regular reminders that he’s a good person because his parents were Not his friend. It’s not a one time thing. Especially when the kids or BM push back! You need to keep reminding him that he can be friends with them when they are adults. Then remind him that his friends don’t take his money without thanks or always expect him to pick up the bill.
Voice of Sanity
Well done, I struggle to explain it to my DH and you've summarized it perfectly. Thank you.
Mine is insisting he hasn't
Mine is insisting he hasn't lost his...little does he know he only has partial of just the one lol I think it all is a huge part of the myth that children of divorce need to be coddled and catered to in order to make up for "tearing their world's apart "
It is pathetic....to watch a
It is pathetic....to watch a full grown man be taken advantage of my his own kids; to the point they destroy other parts of his life. I have no answers to this question, only more questions.
My DH is full of guilt.
My DH is full of guilt. Which then turns to pity that turns into just wanting SS to be happy. Dad the coddling, guilty friend is born. Yesterday we built a shed as the one already here was far too small. DH is afraid of ladders and I don't handle a power drill very well. Sooooo up SS went on the ladder and he wasn't afraid. Gave him a minute's instruction how to get the screws in with the power tool.
He did good. Really really good. SS helped us for 6 hours. He even hammered the roofing tacks into the roof sheeting. DH was surprised. I said well that's what happens when you make your kids do stuff. They are smarter and more resilient than just being a potato on a gaming chair.
I'm really hoping it opened his eyes. Somehow, though, I doubt it. I keep saying no amount of guilt changes the past but you sure are ruining SS15's present and future. Stop it!!