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Hanging out in bedroom

Overitalready.'s picture

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Overitalready.'s picture

Good morning at what age do you allow for your child or step child to hang out in the bedroom with a person they are dating ? With the door closed ?! 

ESMOD's picture

A minor child?  pretty much no.. not ever.  What do they need privacy for?  Unless there is some extenuating reason they need more peace and quiet.. your home is a complete zoo and they are working on a group project?

 

tog redux's picture

I don't have kids, but for me it would be never. If they want to have sex, they can move out together. Otherwise they can sneak around like we all did.  No minors need to get knocked up, and adult kids who can do whatever they want have no incentive to ever move out. 
 

Overitalready.'s picture

I agree ! My fiancé doesn't think the same . It is so frustrating to me !!!! It's disrespectful.  

Overitalready.'s picture

That's exactly what I say ! I'm def not ready to be a grandma and it would be not responsibility !!! 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think this is less of an age thing and more of a "how well did you parent your kid?" thing.

Teens don't need access to closed doors and bedrooms to have sex. But, if they are having sex, at home with access to temperature-controlled condoms and a bathroom is better than the back of a car or in a secluded part of a park where those things aren't present.

It's that "harm reduction" fine line that a parent has to walk. If your SO's son is 14 and already having sex, and had sex or intended to have sex before being allowed to be "in private" with his GF, your SO has to decide the best course of action that leads to the best possible outcome (i.e. no babies, STDs, or trauma). Your SO should be having FREQUENT conversations with his son AND son's GF about acceptable behavior, consent, where condoms are, etc. Taking the mystery and rebelliousness out of sex makes it less fun for teens because now they're forced to face it practically.

Also, before anyone says SO shouldn't talk to the GF, too - since she's 14, her parents have far more control over where she goes and who she's with. It's THEIR responsibility to know who she's with and where she's going, and when they leave their child with another adult, I firmly believe that adult can converse with that child about things impacting their household. Any parent who loses their mind because another household allows closed doors needs to be reminded that they 100% had the ability to talk to the other household's parent(s) to find out what was going on. And I'll even say that both sets of parents NEED to communicate when dating goes from "out to the movies" to "hanging out at home".

My big caveat with all of this is that these conversations need to happen, condoms need to be available, and rules around "hanging out in the bedroom" need to be established, otherwise I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. The idea is harm reduction, and you can't get that without these things in place. It would be the equivalent of letting kids drink in your home but giving them full access to the bar without taking away their keys. It's not safer to allow a kid to drink a bottle of vodka at home versus at a party, because a bottle of vodka is f**king dangerous to consume. But if kids are going to drink, it's better to buy a six pack for their friends and cut them off there, take their keys, and get them pizza so they will stay put and can be monitored.

If a parent can't/won't take this responsibility, then they need to be teetotalers on things because it does present fewer options for their teen to do "harmful" things. BUT, the risk with that is teens listening to others when they're in a situation to make decisions about sex, drinking, drugs, etc. While a parent might reduce instances of something happening, the instances that do occur can be more dangerous. That's where the balancing act comes in.

Not the most popular opinion, I know. And I think 14 is definitely on the young side for all of this. I think it would be entirely acceptable at 14 to allow the GF over in public spaces, perhaps with some moderate privacy to watch a movie together in a den/living room where anyone could walk in but folks likely aren't walking in. Even the bedroom would be fine with the door open and some check-ins. But the conversations around sex, consent, and protection need to be had. If it's not, I 100% understand why someone would be uncomfortable with the arrangement.

 

tog redux's picture

There is no way I could live in a house where a 14-year-old was allowed to hump like a bunny in his bedroom with me home. GF over every day upstairs having sex? No thanks. This is way too permissive for me. Just because his condoms are the right temperature doesn't mean he will use them correctly or at all.  
 

I know kids are going to have sex, and I don't object to that. But to me, this is just like parents who let their kids get hammered drunk in their house because they think that gives them more control over the situation. It's an illusion of control. I certainly wouldn't let a daughter go over to a boy's house where his parents let them have all the sex they please. 
 

Educate the kid and set some rules and boundaries. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then don't live there, and don't let your hypothetical daughter go over there, either.

I'm not advocating for letting teens get it on like rabbits. I'm advocating for parents to assess the situation and respond accordingly. In OP's situation, I'm very curious as to where the SS's partner's parents are in this situation and if they're okay with it.

Parents shut down with teens when it comes to sex, drinking, and drugs. All it does is teach a kid to be sneaky. There is a lot of room between "you're not allowed to do it!" and "do it whenever you want, wherever you want!" that parents have to navigate, and there are consequences on both sides. But, as SPs, we have the ability to nope out of the situation if we don't like it.

ETA: Also, all because teens CAN have sex doesn't mean they WILL have sex, or have all kinds of sex. Horniness and willingness aren't the same thing.

tog redux's picture

In my opinion, part of the reason that kids seem so immature nowadays is that their parents try to control all of these kinds of choices instead of educating them, setting limits and boundaries and trusting them to make good decisions. A certain amount won't. But if parents make all of their decisions for them, they never learn to make their own.  
 

You also have no children, so your parenting strategies are hypothetical as well, lol. Not sure if that was supposed to be an insult to me. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't have children (though I am actively parenting YSS who is a teen), but I work in infectious disease and sexual health, specifically in how to address the topics of sex and sexuality with folks. And no, I'm not insulting you.

ETA: Also, I'm agreeing with you on parents not controlling their kids, but actively parenting them. You're the one who said you wouldn't allow your child to do something, so I'm confused about that piece.

ESMOD's picture

I kind of get where a parent might want to provide a controlled environment for their kids but in the end, if they do it with booze and someone else's kids?  that's illegal.  Yes, my parents showed me the liquor cabinet.. where I could have a beer if I wanted one but was told that sharing with my friends was not a choice they could make for someone else's parents.  Now, I lived in Europe in HS.. so I could pretty much procure what I wanted without their help..lol.

My BIL and his EX used to allow their kids to have overnights with their SO's as teens.  I just kind of felt that was going a bit overboard with it.  I mean, there is always the risk that by educating and providing all the opportunity and equipment per se.. you may push the kids.. in a way to a place where they feel like this is something they really should be doing.. where without tacit parental approval and assistance.. maybe they would push back more?

Of course parents should educate and provide access to BC and have open lines of communication.. but I somewhat feel like drawing the line at turning down the bed for the kids and not providing with a venue for something that they may not be emotionally ready for?  

We did bring our older SD's boyfriend on a couple trips with us.. but they did not share a room.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I remember being in high school and there were those few "cool" parents. They allowed kids to drink at their house because they would rather it be done there and in front of them than have their kids go elsewhere. They also let both sexes sleep over with minimal supervision. At the time i thought they were so cool, and i admit to drinking and staying over at these houses (my parents had no idea, thought i was at another girl's house, just us.)

Looking back, though, these parents seemed to be trying too hard to be one of the kids. They would get drunk and hang out with us all night. One of them was a divorced single dad, and one of his sons knocked up the girl in the apartment above when they were both 14. The other was a divorced single mom. I don't know how her daughter turned out. She was older than me and we weren't close. I was more of a "hanger on" over there. Personally, i like to keep at least some "distance" between me and my kids when it comes to the vices like sex, alcohol, and drugs. I talk to them about it, give them the facts, but let them know i don't approve of it while still a minor and living at home. I would rather them call me if stuck somewhere without a safe ride home, and i would take honesty and decent choices into account when deciding how mad to get. My son is 20 and lives in an apartment. I know he sometimes drinks, has smoked pot, and i assume he had sex with his last girlfriend. I don't condone it but i also accept that he is getting older and i try to give him good advice. A few beers at a party is one thing but getting too drunk to wake up and go to class is another. I talk to him about the many downsides of becoming a parent too young.

My daughter is 16, and i treat her and her girlfriend mostly like i would her and a boy. Doors open, no exceptions. I do allow the gf to come as part of a group slumber party but no closed doors. When she has her own place, she can do as she pleases.