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I am over DH's guilt parenting...

overit4tenyrs's picture

Update: last night DH called his parents to give them a "heads up" that he told SD17 to go ahead and leave after she turns eighteen. He goes outside to talk to them as always and comes back in to me and says that SD was not planning on moving in with them until after she graduated in June, that her birthday was never the plan and now he feels sorta bad for telling her to just go ahead and leave. OMG??? REALLY??? I am so over this crap. Honestly I just want the kid out as soon as possible. I backed up DH when he wanted to confront SD for having plans to leave. SD decided to tell us it was none of our business and she had "friends" she could live with. We have tried to work with this kid for years and five therapists later, she is still the same selfish teenager with entitlement issues. Then DH made the same phone call to BM, telling her that he told SD he was done with it and that she needs to go after her birthday. Of course BM backs him up, he tells me. Why of course she does you idiot, she can stop paying child support the day SD walks outta here. SD is thrilled that everyone in the family is in a uproar over her, DH, MIL, FIL and BM!

So should I just keep my mouth shut and go with it at this point or do I give DH an out and say why dont you compromise with the kid and let her stay till graduation? That will kill me because I want the parasite gone more than anyone but DH keeps hinting at feeling bad about making wrong choice. What to do?

Comments

stepoff's picture

this is what I would do if I were in your sitch:

Do/say nothing until she turns 18. Completely disengage. She's already 17, so it's not like she's going to miraculously change overnight. The day she turns 18, the rules change, BIG time. The first instance of trouble, disrespect, etc., she is told that she has one week to find another place to live, graduated or not. At 18, she makes her own bed and will lie in it. Her future is in her hands and she needs to guide her own destiny. If she can contain herself, she can stay. She will need to help with the household chores and contribute to running the house. Otherwise, I'd just stay out of it. Getting involved will only make everyone more upset, which is what she's looking for. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Angel72's picture

I personally would tell your dh you will support what he thinks is best but to please consider all peoples feelings , not only his daughters here. Since she is still under 18 , she cannot move in with friends. She is to move with the grandparents if she is to leave the house. If she stays till june, then its under strict rules. But considering how she behaves, i would ship her off to grandparents. if your dh feels guilty , tell him not to and that he is doing the right thing and it sjust another guilt tactic by daughter. I think the daughter should be sent to grandparents for the sake of your marriage and when she is 18, she can do what the hell she likes but make it very clear, she's on her own. No moving back in unless she is a responsible , respectable human being.

overit4tenyrs's picture

MIL got invovled in the first place by telling SD to not worry about it and just come live with her. MIL lives about 30 miles away. Problem is SD turns eighteen next month but still wants to graduate with her boyfriend where we live. So SD has no incentive to act better or contribute to our household since MIL gave her an out. SD was hoping DH would let her stay until June when she graduates, then she was moving in with MIL anyway. Then DH got mad when he found out from FIL what MIL told SD. So he was hurt and felt betrayed by his own mom and daughter. Thats when he told SD that he had it and she can just leave when she turns 18, not wait until June when she graduates. SD was never leaving now. Her birthday isnt until next month.