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What Advice Would You Give Your PAST Self?

onelife's picture

Get your daily AFFIRMATIONS done Smile I am confident. I am unstoppable...

Boost your morning with some positivity and let's jump in.

What if your past self came to visit your present self? What advice would you give yourself?

For me, I would tell my past self to NEVER MARRY A MAN WITH KIDS. Do not budge on this for anything self!

Walk your past self through your life and your house. You have to explain yourself. Are there dreams you've abandoned? A sewing room, crafts, career goals, unread books....what has sat neglected because you have been taking care of everyone else? Scuba was my big thing. My past self saw all my scuba gear and asked, "Where do you dive in this landlocked State?" My answer was, I don't.

This alone prompted me to re-evaluate what I am doing in life. I WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION AND WAS NOT LIVING MINDFULLY. I was living by default. Living in the same city I was born and raised in because my family (who I am not close with) lives here. I have always felt alienated by the culture here. It's very conservative and stifling to me. Why do I live here?

Then I married a man with kids and found myself putting all those dreams and hobbies further on hold because we had to be in town every other weekend. Life was on hold because it was stressful getting ready for the skids to come to town, stressful while they were here and then we needed recovery days for our marriage to return to a loving place after the skids left. THAT'S NOT A LOT OF QUALITY TIME IN BETWEEN VISITS. That's a lot of stress, mitigation and recovery.

Back when DH was severely abusing substances, I had had enough. I threw him and the skids out of my house. The skids were never welcomed back and I should have never let DH come back. He did make significant changes however and currently he is doing better than he ever has. (Too little too late?)

My past self asked my present self, why my self-esteem was so low. Why did I tolerate being mistreated like this? My past self would be so ashamed.
In the end, my past self decided to not accept my present reality. She rejected it flat out! Instead she chose to follow her passions and tend to herself first. She chose to be an intact person FIRST instead of relying on a man or a marriage to fill a void of self-confidence.

This exercise was revealing to me. I immediately put a plan in motion to start living my life. Youth is waning. Health is being taken for granted. All for what? To be unappreciated by my husband and stressed out by his skid marks and BM? What a life.

SOME ACTION STEPS:

I quickly looked around my house. What if my house burned to the ground? What would I actually replace or buy again? Only a few pieces of furniture would be replaced. A good set of dishes, pots and pans. My piano. The things that matter to me are my animals, my photo albums, my outdoor recreation gear, a good pillow, comfy blanket...I was surprised at how little I really cared about and would replace.

I started SELLING things like a banshee. Craigslist, local online classifieds...it was easy and last month I made an extra $950 doing it! I miss NONE of it, in fact I want more gone.

Now I am building MY OWN FUND. That is MY money I can utilize, guilt-free. It's for renovating my old RV, hobbies or just saving and growing.

Suddenly my house was looking a little sparse. I realized I can live in far less space. This led me to look at my home as a MONEY-MAKING ASSET. I have decided to live in my RV this winter (in a warm climate. Florida I think). My house will be rented for $1700 a month at least. So I just increased my annual income by $20,400. Living in the RV will cost a fraction of that. Plus every month I am selling things I don't want or need. Can I sell the skids?
Maybe an RV is not for you but what about downsizing? Consider the space you are paying for in your own home. Look at storage rooms and areas of the home that are unused. If you're paying a mortgage TRY THIS: Value of your home divided by square footage = value of each square foot.

Estimate how many square feet of your home are unused or occupied by things you don't use. A garage you can't fit the cars in, dining room, front room, spare bed rooms.

Multiply the unused square footage by the value of each square foot. This is the money value you are giving up or paying for on a mortgage to store things you aren't using. My number was $85,500!!! The emotional toll is even greater than the monetary toll.

Let's start waking up our conscious living. Let's start paying attention to our lives and take some more responsibility for their outcomes.

It's later than you think.
Have a glorious day!

Comments

justanothergurlNJ's picture

I would tell my past self to NEVER MARRY A MAN WITH KIDS

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Pretty Much THIS. I'll tweek it a little. I would tell myself NEVER get involved with a man who has younger children then your own. This us a HUGE source of contention between SO and I. With that said I would also tell me to PROCEED WITH Caution even then.

SacrificialLamb's picture

So onelife, we talked when I was still under my old ID. What do you plan on doing? Have you left DH or will you be doing so?

onelife's picture

I am swing between empowered and super depressed. I am getting my house ready to rent it out. That is a HUGE task for just me. DH is largely of no use on the project. Why would he be, he thinks I am totally leaving him.
So the house is going to be a rental. The RV is going to be refurbished and I am going to head out in it no later than October. I want to head to Florida for the winter.
My long-term plan is to tour the Southern States in the RV and decide if I want to live anywhere down there. If so, I will buy a house or build one. A modest one that I can manage.

Honestly, I have done the step-kid thing for 4 years now and my physical and mental problems are not going away once the skids leave us anymore. I am permanently stressed and it's affecting every area of my life. As I previously expressed, I entertained suicide but just know there is more to life than this. I have lived a decent life before and it's not skid hell.

DH has made a lot of changes that I have asked for all along. But I just can't cope with this anymore at any level. A vacation to take a break won't solve this one!

I expressed to DH that I am doing this plan, with or without him. He insisted he's coming and that he too wants to move to a warmer climate even if it means getting on a plane to see the skids. (I showed him financially and logistically how he will actually pay less in transportation and see his kids more often.) It would be fine with me...cause I would be so far out of reach that I will never have to see them again if I don't want to. They are 10 and 11 now anyway and want to hang with their friends more than their dad.
My optimistic self thinks that if I start living the life I want (the life I had before skids), I will feel better. Perhaps then I could get my head back on straight and even take the skids to Universal Studios. lol.

I just don't know. But I am at the end of my rope.
Any encouragement to keep going on sorting and cleaning the entire house would help Smile

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Go into it disengaged and treat the skids as you would any stranger's kids: polite, but distant.

I was previously married with an absolute GEM of a stepson. But my exh was an alcoholic and the BM was a psycho nut job. How I'd LOVE to have my first SS with my current DH!!

So I went into this relationship as... MYSELF! I did for the skids as I did for my first SS. Like snowflakes, they are all different. I wish I would have gone in with great caution for my own sake.

SM12's picture

I would tell myself to slow down on my relationship with my DH. I think if I had slowed down about 6 months, I would have seen a lot of signs that would have caused me to run or the relationship would have ended just due to distance alone. I would be debt free, able to move and live anywhere I wanted and enjoying life.
Don't get me wrong, I love my DH very much. But I don't love all the baggage he came with.