Hello StepTalk- It's Been a LONG TIME!
I was on StepTalk a LONG time ago. Years, in fact. I first posted as "5Teens" because my DH and I at the time were dealing with all kinds of blended family issues: his 3 girls, my three boys, his enabling behaviors, and his crazy ex!
This site literally saved my sanity! At the time, maybe back in 2007, middle SD left the house due to extreme PASing from her mom at age 16, then I became "Now5teens." I made a LOT of friends on here and some of these ladies became true friends. Some of then even encouraged me to go back to school and become "the expert" on blended families. At the time, I laughed at them...
Fast forward to 2010. I went back to school and got my BA in Psychology (had to go back to undergrad after being away from school for 20+ years). Then in 2012 started grad school. In 2015, I got my MA in Marriage and Family Therapy. One of my StepTalk "sisters" was even there on graduation day to cheer me on! After 3000 hours of intense clinical hours with clients, I got my state license, and now have a private practice which specializes in helping blended families, as well as those who are struggling to effectively co-parent through hostile divorce situations.
It has been a rough road, but well worth it. Today, DH and I are happily married 14 years. The kids made it through their teens and are now well into their 20s. My "special" son, Matt, is the only one who is living at home and working in competitive employment. My younger son, Kevin, is 25 and lives on his own, trying to figure out what path he wants to take after graduating from college (hey, he majored in "Film & Video," so what do you expect, right?!)
I have a close relationship with 2 of my SDs. The oldest is 28 and in her 3rd year of law school. The youngest is 23 and is a elementary school teacher in VA. We talk or text almost every day with each other.
Sadly, the PASing took root with middle SD, now 26, and we have no relationship- her choice. I truly tried over the years but she was never interested. But DH still tries.
And BM? She's still miserable, and still bad-mouthing both me and DH after all these years. But now, at least the 2 girls realize she's crazy and have learned to put up strong boundaries, so at least that's something! And after all these years, they see DH and I as the "secure and stable home" which means the world to us.
If I have to say anything to the moms who are struggling right now, it would be...HANG IN THERE, because it does get better. And if I can help, let me know (although I cannot be your therapist) I can point you in the right direction ;-)
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Comments
Good for you. I bet you are a
Good for you. I bet you are a great counselor with all your education and first hand experience.
thank you. Most therapists
thank you. Most therapists who specialize in this field have "been in the trenches" so-to-speak, and although they implement specific strategies for stepfamilies, they almso use their first-hand knowledge to empathize and join with the families they serve.
Epic STory, totally bookmarking this!
Thank you so much for coming back & posting this amazing, inspirational update! Very encouraging.
A month or so ago I stumbled across a blog on this site by Last-Wife, who regularly posted I think from 2009 to 2015. I read all her blogs from start to finish (it was a Summer weekend, so nobody was on ST and I was going through mega-anxiety about my own situ, so I was binge-reading). I wonder if you knew/know her; I am grateful for how she shared her journey on this site, and hope she is doing well.
Best regards,
her name sounds fairly
her name sounds fairly familiar, but I'm not sure. A lot of us from back then left StepTalk and branched off to a private group at that time, so we left our screen names behind and knew each other only for our real identities. But I'll ask around.
Congratulations on all your
Congratulations on all your hard work!
So I would love to ask you...
Do the most frequent issues we read about here (PAS, mini-wife syndrome, husbands too enmeshed with daughters they put before wives, etc.) look different to you now that you're a professional in the field versus how you saw things as someone living step life?
I guess what I mean is...how did all that education change how you look at step life issues? Does it look much different to you after studying family dynamics and learning how to help others cope? Did you learn how to handle your own family situation better, or is it difficult to apply the art of counseling to your own situation?
I really admire you for what you achieved. Could use a new course myself, so you're an inspiration!
I'm also
Wondering this. Also I've read that alot of counselors try to counsel stepfamilies in the same way as nuclear families and it doesn't really work...is this true?
It is true. The dynamics are
It is true. The dynamics are totally different and will not work when trying to apply them to stepfamilies. That's why when my DH and I went to someone who claimed to be a "blended family expert" and told me to "just keep your mouth shut and let DH and his ex handle the kids" I knew he was a complete idiot and had NO IDEA what he was talking baout when it came to stepfamilies, even before I had a degree.
Most therapists just do not have the specific training and skills to handle this, which is why therapy fails.
My DH is realizing this just
My DH is realizing this just when talking with his friends who have kids. All in intact households with no issues. Their advice doesn't translate. Which I have known myself for years now. Good on you! That's a fantastic ending!
The education definitiely
The education definitiely helped me become a better person, spouse, parent, and stepparent! It helped me to become much less reactional to BM (and negative people in general, including issues in my own family of origin). And DH learned along the way to become less of a "guilt dad!" He always jokes that he should have gotten a degree as well since he studied along side with me!
As to what happens in the counseling room- the patterns continue and I hear the same things every day: BMs/ or even BDs who alienate or use hostile-aggressive parenting. Dads (and moms) who guilt parent after a divorce, parents totally enmeshed with their children and alienating a new partner, and hostile co-parenting abounds!
It's incredible when I sit with families who are "deep in it" and so emotional (the place I was years ago) and I can honestly tell them that things CAN get better if they attempt to implement "x strategies." They look at me like I am nuts! I know, it's hard to even imagine at the time the possibility that things could change for the better. But they can. Change starts with a single step.
What
A lovely and inspiring story! My husband and I are having some serious issues at the Moment and I don’t know if we will make it. Thanks for sharing!
It is so hard, I understand
It is so hard, I understand and have been there. In those early years, DH and I almost did not make it. Between his crazy ex (who made ME out to be the bad guy, even though SHE left him), his middle SD who HATED me, DH's enabling behaviors, I did not think we stood a chance. We went to a therapist who claimed he was a "blended family expert." He was a complete idiot! Told me to completely keep my mouth shut and let DH and his ex work it out, even though I watched the kids during the day. Yeah...no. That's what led me to going back to school in the first place. Then we went to a "Parenting Coach" but DH wouldn't listen. I was almost ready to throw in the towel. But I loved him so much and I wasn't going to let his kids or his ex break us. So I hung in there. If you love your DH, Keep trying. Go to counseling. Find a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) to help. One who has experience with blended family issues is even better. If you want help in finding one, let me know.
I remember you and glad you
I remember you and glad you are back. So proud of your progress in your career!
Thank you so much. I have to
Thank you so much. I have to say since it's been some time, I have honestly forgotten many of my ST friends. I even forgot own my ST login and had to sit for a while until it came back to me!