Two more checkss and CS is done
I spoke to the CS office yesterday and they confirmed that after two more checks (including Monday's check) they will send a letter to stop the income withholding from DH's paychecks for BM's CS. Any money that comes in after that (depending on how long the withholding takes to stop) will come back to us in the mail. Less than a month!
I find myself with a knot in my stomach expecting conflict, drama, shenanigans etc when CS ends early. If she knew how close we were to being done with it I think we would already have the phone calls, the begging, the crying, the threats of homelessness.
BM has been out of work since September except for two jobs she quickly got fired from. She tends to exaggerate her skills and when they discover that she can't do what she claimed, they let her go in her probation period. She has legitimately had some health issues in the last few months -- however, she's also started a Gofundme looking for money saying she has cancer. According to texts she sent DH, it turned out benign though. So... yeah.
She is also upset because her imprisoned husband has been denied parole again. He has a long history of domestic violence against multiple women. He went to prison after he choked out his baby mama and that was after holding a gun to her head... with two children present in the home at the time. Already a felon for other reasons, just having access to a gun was its own felony charge. He then had a whole standoff with police thing before being arrested. BM became his penpal and married him while he was incarcerated. We believe him staying in jail is in her best interest and SS17's best interest but of course she does not. Last year it was suicidal threats when he didn't get parole and this year the news arriving right now when CS will be - suprise! - ending in less than a month will likely create a flurry of drama.
I suspect SS17 won't be going to college in the fall. There's been talk of him needing to get a job and take care of his mother, especially since her husband isn't getting out on parole (again). While I believe he needs a gap year to mature and grow up a bit, I think there's a high likelihood he will never go to college if he just starts "taking care of Mom".
His maternal side relatives recently joked that they fully expect that he will be 35 and living in dirty clothes on her couch, not showering, playing video games until 3am and eating a lot of cheetos. While he has no computer programming skills or graphic design type skills, his dream is to make video games. He dreams that he will just spontaneously learn those skills, as he has rejected all of his father's attempts to have him learn those skills through summer programs, camps and instruction that could make that dream maybe a reality. One relative in particular expressed her horror at his lack of responsibility and maturity after having visited their house for two weeks. So skipping college right now is probably the best move, I just wish it was for his growth and development that he took the year off, not to lounge around and play video games while paying lip service to taking care of BM.
I have a heart issue that causes tachycardia, which I often misperceive as anxiety but it seems lately that I am incredibly anxious as we approach the end of child support. In the past when change has happened and my DH has stepped another step away from BM, she has reacted poorly. When he moved to live with me, she threw a fit and told him he could do better than me. When we got married, she showed up to the wedding and had to be told to leave -- twice! She has used his social security number without his permission. She has lied and stolen (so has sS17). We have had a very separate life from her for the last 5 years or so but my anxiety (or possibly my heart problem) is telling me that this is going to get ugly and bumpy for a bit. The problem is, I have a low tolerance for conflict now, after having health issues wear away at my strength for the last few years. Just not thinking about it is not helping me either at this point. I feel like I might do better to consider the worst possible scenario and prepare myself for it.
How bad does it get sometimes when CS ends? Does BM drop SK on your doorstep now that they aren't a paycheck anymore? Do BM & SK actually become homeless? Remember, my DH pays close to $1700 a month when you include medical support as well, so it's her primary income right now. Suicidal threats, tears, calls, showing up on doorsteps? What can I expect?
- notsofast's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
WOO HOO!
I do know that since OSS21.5 emancipated "early" (early for NYS, 19) she has not let him move in with her. Instead he lives with his GF and her mother.
I guess you'll have to take each day as it comes but be calmly prepared in the event that SS gets kicked out due to no more cash prizes.
Our house is full, every room
Our house is full, every room and every bed. It's not that big a place, but still full. There would not be room for SS.
I don't know what they will do, but I know my dh will struggle if his child is homeless.
I expected all the things you
I expected all the things you're expecting, but it never happened. Bear in mind my DH paid well over £2000 each month (nearly $3000) for the two SKIDs. So it was a massive drop in income for the greedy grasping NPD BM, although not all in one go as they aged out 2 years apart.
Really, look on the bright side. BM cannot hold your DH to ransom any more (if she's anything like ours was) witholding visitation etc -that's all stopped along with the CS. It was a new and brighter chapter of my life, as I hope it will be for you. BM can tantrum all she likes, won't change a damn thing.
NPD BM has tried to force us to have both the SDs to live with us over the years, we resisted, partly because we live in a tiny house on account of her vast CS! She made her bed, she can now lie in it.
If it does get ugly for a while, lash yourself to the mast and tell yourself it will be over soon, it will, if your DH doesn't weaken. She's not going to carry on making a fool of herself once she realises he means it.
I so hope it will be the
I so hope it will be the beginning of a brighter time for us. Mostly there won't be the threats of going back to court or the sense of unfairness that he pays so much to a child who has been taught to reject him summarily. Maybe they will be able to have a relationship with money out of the equation. There will be more money of course, but there will also be less of a sense of being held hostage by her demands.
My DH has gotten so much better at handling her drama. Somehow, inadvertently, when she causes trouble I get hit with it. Sending ss to spy and report back, including snooping through my personal income tax returns pre-dh. Her using a tracker on ss phone to show up where the wedding party was getting ready before the wedding in the guise of needing to talk to ss, 90 minutes before our wedding. She has consistently caused problems for me and while before I was strong enough to deflect her bullshit, I no longer am.
Once DH's BM sent that last
Once DH's BM sent that last volley out of "reserved spousal support" and it didn't hit a mark.. she basically disappeared. We became people who no longer had any impact on her life. It has been pretty blissful. The only time I saw her was at OSD's wedding. Even with all the showers etc.. I told OSD I was going to give her the gift of drama free events... plus I sent her gifts from us..lol.
Now that she has no way of drawing resources out of you.. she has no more power. Each and every request can be. "I owe you nothing at this point. Skid is an adult if they need something, let them ask me themselves... money doesn't funnel through YOU any more".
My husband said he would tell
My husband said he would tell her what the CS office told me: "I have fulfilled my obligation."
"But we will be homeless!" "I have fulfilled my obligation"
"Don't you love your son?" "I have fulfilled my obligation"
"How could you do this to me?" "I have fulfilled my obligation"
I believe him. And I trust him. She just always finds a way that I don't expect to come at me. Like at my wedding. The second time she came around I came out of my room in my bathrobe, hair done and makeup half done and told her off. I made her leave, but she took SS with her and my Dh lost his best man. And then I sat down and shook for a while, afraid of what the future would hold. I reconsidered the wedding, the marriage, if I wanted this woman in my orbit for the rest of my life. If my DH was worth it. Could he keep her from continually causing problems? Could he manage this and protect me? If on my wedding day when I had been blissfully and peacefully happy not minutes before and she still reached in and twisted it. If neither of us could keep her from invading our private space at our wedding, what would life be like?
Obviously we got married anyway and he IS worth it. But I don't want her in my world. I hope CS being gone means less chances of her coming around. I hope it means freedom and joy and all those things she has tried to leech from us over the years are OURS back.
Yes! I know you have to be
Yes! I know you have to be happy about this.
But.. I understand the trepidation too. When my DH ended CS, BM actually told him that she was going to go back to court for spousal support because it was "reserved" for both parties in their divorce decree. I did some quick research and it was clear that there were multiple reasons why BM wasn't going to get it. Divorced more than 10 years and longer than they had even been married. She had been living with a guy for almost 10 years (one year was the kicker). She was using it as a threat.. pay my insurance premium or I will go to court.. blah blah... Of course she must have been summarily laughed out of the atty office she went to because after he told her to go pound sand.. we heard nothing more about it.
Here's to hoping that she is done.
I so hope it is over. I so
I so hope it is over. I so hope she burns bright about it for a few days of freaking out and then she focuses on supporting herself instead of conflict with us. She burns so many bridges but always seems to have another church or friend willing to help her pay things. Then suddenly she is no longer going to that church or that person is no longer a friend and it's on to someone else. We just have to steel ourselves for one more round of that.
Do we have the same BM..
Do we have the same BM.. because it sounds like the same BM.. lol.
BM is a "confronter".. I always knew when we were gonna get it because she would started with "Look....."
She just couldn't help herself... she starts off MOTY and all sweet as pie then she turns on people like a snake. I saw evidence of it repeatedly.. with school officials.. cheer coaches... photo customers... friends of parents.. virtually everyone including her own family can't get along with her for long.
Even her two girls know how she is and kind of think it's funny.. but I think it's sad that she has so little true niceness in her heart.
He should have her completely
He should have her completely and totally blocked. He shouldn’t hear her freak out because she won’t be able to get ahold of him. Unless she comes knocking on the door, in which case you phone the police, he can be blissfully unaware of what she’s going through.
If she calls on SSs phone or SS himself calls to tell DH how upset BM is, tell him no one wants to talk about BM and hang up.
We are not at that point yet.
We are not at that point yet. Hopefully when SS is fully 18 we can move towards that.
Do not stress about how she
Do not stress about how she will react when child support is over! This is a time to celebrate. That being said, I don't know how you can NOT provide housing for his son until his son turns 18 IF she gets evicted for non-payment of rent. It would seem like you'd have to at least let him sleep on the couch until he graduates high school.
He graduates in less than 30
He graduates in less than 30 days.
I honestly don't think he would come stay here. He wouldn't leave his mother's side if she was homeless unless she convinced him to do so. And it's a much more sympathetic story of a single mom with son who is homeless versus my son is staying at his Dad's and I am homeless. There would have to be some reason that is in it for her to let SS go stay with his Dad.
However, if he truly became homeless I would suck it up and make space on a cot or something for a SHORT while. Lock up all my personal info and require he be out of the house every day. Something like that.
CS
I remember when CS ended for my SD, we celebrated and enjoyed many nights out and vacations on that money that "we" were now receiving. My H's ex always had him in and out of court constantly trying to get it increased and one time had the audacity to took him to get more CS because she had just given birth to a daughter with her H and they both weren't working, so she figured why not take my H so that he can also support that child, a child that was not his. Needless to say the judge laughed at her and kicked her out for wasting the courts time. I'm saying all this to say that please try not to stress or lose sleep over the BM's reaction. Her situation of possibly being homeless is not your problem. Either she gets a job and learns to support herself, applies for public assistance, or just figure something out like living with family. Your SS I'm sure you can make space for given that he looks for a job in the meantime or goes to school in order to be able to provide and/or do something productive with himself. He should not be enabled and has to take accountability for his life. His mother doesn't seem like she's in the best position to be a positive role model for him. Either way I'm happy for you and hope you get to enjoy a nice night out with that 1st check
I'm a little jealous that the
I'm a little jealous that the cs is ending for you guys....lol. I can't wait - but SO has another 5 years until his youngest daughter ages out. He also has a son who lives in another state and he's only 10 but payment to that BM doesn't bother me at all. It's BM #1 that annoys me - she is also high conflict. His oldest doesn't even live with her and she is still getting the cs for her. When cs ends for your DH, just ignore BM. You don't have to have any communication with her really - take care of yourself. Let us know how it all turns out.
CS ending for us, too
... but we're receiving, not paying. The beauty here is that BM is nearly $10k behind, and not working, so she's just racking up the interest & arrearages. Fortunately, we don't touch that money- it goes straight into a separate account we will use to pay for college, etc. I know we are blessed to be able to do that because not everyone can, and I'm also grateful BM has never been able to cause financial hardship since I've been in the picture (we connected 8 years after DH & BM divorced). Prior to that, her lies to CS and the courts treated DH like the ATM Daddee she wanted DH to be, so my DH has been through financial hell with her. No more!
P.S. Gollum
Wben I 1st saw the link to your post, I read it in in the voice of Gollum from Lord of the Rings:
"My prescious child supports, my prescious!"
DH is a huge LOTR fan. He
DH is a huge LOTR fan. He would approve!
We have ONE more payment left
We have ONE more payment left! Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth begin!
Technically I can stop
Technically I can stop sending payments to my ex when DS17 turns 18 this November. I know that he wants to go to college though so I will try to set up payments to the college. It is just a local community college and I live in the UK and he lives in the US but maybe something can be worked out.
BM can kick up as much as she wants but she can't do a darn thing. Besides, it is for your DH to handle, not you. Let it go, sit back and start enjoying the financial freedom