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Estate Planning for the Step-Afterlife

notsofast's picture

We are redoing our wills and adjusting our estate planning.  It's just time, SS19 is an adult now so provisions for him as a minor don't make sense anymore and there are things we just wish to state differently.

My H is leaving me all assets as beneficiary with Transfer/Payable on Death designations for bank accounts, retirement, real estate, vehicles plus he wants to state this in the will clearly.  The will is written primarily to give personal property/heirlooms to close friends, family and includes skid.  I've told him I don't want to be in any way forced to interact with skid and BM should something happen to him, because of their hysterical behavior.  So this was what his attorney suggested.  A few personal property things in the will but no money in the will, all of it passing to me through beneficiary designations.  The lawyer said he could setup a savings account where he puts money for skid to inherit in a similar way as the beneficiary there, but so far he has declined to do that.

My will is much simpler than his because he has many more family heirlooms.  

My H wants to include a letter of explanation for skid stating that all he has was earned after our relationship began and is therefore as much mine as it is his.  There were no premarital assets he had before me, for various reasons you all certainly understand (giving BM extras above CS, not being good with finances, getting all the debt in the divorce, lost the house after she ran off with one of many guys and hit him up for cs etc).

Any tips/tricks or ideas on steplife estate planning that you like?

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

I don't have any tips but think this is a great idea that you and H have addressed this. I think it's thoughtful that your H wants to include a letter of explanation to SS (although he doesn't have to) and hope that will ease his mind should he question the will.

 

ESMOD's picture

I think it's smart to have things go to you as beneficiary vs through will/probate process.  I think a letter to his child letting them know why he made those decisions is good too.

I do have a question though.. if you do happen to outlive your DH.. will you amend your will to allow his child to inherit anything.. as residual of what you may have inherited?

notsofast's picture

That entirely depends on the future.  And the circumstances under which my H wants him to inherit anything are not currently being met by SS.  We are discussing all of this openly.

If SS manages to make a life for himself honestly, works decently hard and makes good choices then ABSOLUTELY.  If he continues on his current path, probably not or probably not much would be left to him by me either.  The path that my H is looking for from his son is an honest one with hard work that doesn't involve following in BM's footsteps of swindling and manipulating others into doing her bidding, getting people to buy her things, give her money and using people.  He is looking to see examples of his son making reasonably smart choices that don't follow in BM's footsteps.  And most importantly, he's wanting him to not lose money he may inherit to BM's begging and pleading.  SS will have to show that he knows what boundaries are and how to implement them with his Mom.

Recently SS has been giving money to BM while claiming poverty to H and I, asking for money from us because he can't afford things.  My H realized that SS is and always will be BM's child, first and foremost and SS is not above taking from H under false pretenses in order to please BM.  With that, he's realized that if SS inherits from him that means BM will get a Camaro and a house and SS will end up with very little at the end of it... so why leave things that way? 

I genuinely hope that SS turns a corner and makes different choices.  But a large inheritance for him at this point would really be bad for him.  He would become more of a paycheck for BM (who recently convinced him to live with her again because they could "split the rent") and his value would be pegged against money he inherited instead of his hard work and effort.

My H is decently older than me, so it's probable that I will outlive him.  I would love at the end of my life to be able to say with genuine joy that SS has grown into someone who can benefit from and use an inheritance in a way that it is meant: to benefit him.  BM is a vulture about deaths: when her sister-in-law's mother died, her sister-in-law was shocked because BM was asking about life insurance and if any was left to BM or how much was left to BM's SIL.  When BM's brother died a couple of years ago and left life insurance to his permanently disabled daughter, BM tried to contest that because "my brother would have wanted me to have something".  That's who she is.

ESMOD's picture

My BIL has an EX like that.. she got one of her kids to rent an apt with her.. then she moved on and in with some BF leaving this kid on the hook.

My DH's EX also has been to the well with both her daughters.. the older one is usually so broke she doesn't give her money.. but I know the younger one is a softer touch..lol... it's because she is a nicer person and has a hard time saying no to her mom.

I wonder if it would be possible to put money in trust for the boy.. where it would be difficult for him to access for his mom?  ie only small amounts at a time distributed.

notsofast's picture

We looked into a trust.  They want a minimum of $500k investment to have someone professionally manage it.  I don't want to manage it, obviously BM is out.  My H doesn't want to leave all our assets in trust to him because of BM.  If my H and I die together his sister inherits a portion of our life insurance.  Some for her and some for her to help SS out.  She hates BM so she will screen for those things.  BM is always trying to extort money from her... Send money so SS has shoes, clothes and can come visit you -- meanwhile H's sister knows my H was sending BM $1200 a month for CS (where H's sister lives, that is a LOT of money - sometimes his sister brings home only $900 a month from her business).  His sister can't manage a trust because she doesn't live in this country.

notsofast's picture

My biggest thing right now is I want to minimize drama and stress.  I have a genetic condition and stress exacerbates it.  Losing my H would be terrible stress.  Being the executor of an estate and having BM breathing down my neck for money owed to SS19 would be more than I could handle.  Better to have my H be able and responsible for putting cash money in an account for SS if he so chooses (a few thousand, up to $20K is what the lawyer suggested) and have SS be the beneficiary.  Then the only person SS and BM get to bother about it is the bank manager.  I am protected, emotionally and physically from their drama and hysterics even more than financially.

thinkthrice's picture

"Mommie Dearest" will on SS...

"gets nothing for reasons he is well aware of."

Diablo

thinkthrice's picture

an inheritance for the majority of people (excluding the Downton Abbey types) was NOT expected nor was it viewed as an entitlement. 

notsofast's picture

Exactly.  My H's parents had a 3rd and 6th grade education, came from huge families with limited means and did not have anything to leave to their kids either.  That's actually one thing my H wants to bring up in his letter of explanation... that having no inheritance made him the self made person he is today and he wants that to be his gift to his son as well.  My H gets really upset about any kind of food waste and even throwing away clothes with holes in them.  He makes very good money now but his mentality is still that of when he was a child and his father would scour the city dump for toys people had thrown away that could be easily repaired and carefully cleaned in order to give my H gifts because they couldn't otherwise afford them.  I grew up with money, but we were taught (or at least my sister and I were, my brother's entitlement notwithstanding) about using money to help others, serving others and making our lives better in ways other than money.  So we come from really different backgrounds, but I have compassion and understanding for his quirks about money and stuff.

thinkthrice's picture

I came from a lower middle class suburbia family; mom was the homemaker and dad was a traveling salesman.  Chef comes from a dirt poor rural family....the youngest of two marriages (four between his mom and dad total)  He too would find discarded bicycles, toys, etc. from the dump, fix them up and play with them.

notarelative's picture

When we married, I had assets and he had debts. So we have a what was yours before marriage stays separate, and is yours after death prenuptial. If there are any of my premarital assets left, they go to my kids.

Our joint assets we figured we'd divide between both sets of kids. That is until one daughter of his decided that since he wouldn't hand more money to her (and husband) that she didn't want anything to do with him. I was surprised that when we redid our wills a few years ago that he told the lawyer he wanted to leave her nothing as she had already gotten enough. Lawyer put in some legal wording that includes a provision that if you challenge the will you get nothing.

notsofast's picture

When we married, I had assets and he had debts. So we have a what was yours before marriage stays separate, and is yours after death prenuptial. If there are any of my premarital assets left, they go to my kids.

So if you bought a house together or started a business, how would that be split in this situation?  We had something similar.  I had some assets.  He had none but only very minimal debt.  But my assets are still titled in my name alone and we have joint assets now that are different from my separate ones I came into the marriage with.

shamds's picture

exwife is batshit crazy, skids are controlled like her, 2 are adults (1 working fulltime since 9 months ago), they do not want to maintain a relationship with hubby and they do not care to ensure our 2 toddlers (their half siblings are provided for). 

As there is a large age difference amongst hubbys eldest 3 and our 2 toddlers, hubby has chosen me as sole inheritor of his pension retirement savings (80-90%) earned after divorcing the ex. It’s basically to ensure our basics are taken care of as hubby’s eldest 3 have benefited from it