dealing with dad when kids are gone...
Does anyone else have a hard time dealing with dad when his kid(s) go back home?
I have over the last 3 years, tried to be patient and understanding of his situation but at some point, enough is enough.
He sees his kid eow. I have mine all the time. We generally schedule big kid events when we know both kids will be around. Sometimes it doesn't work like that, and I feel my kid misses out because its not always SS weekend. If there is something that would be kid cool, and its not SS wknd, we don't end up going. I know dad would mope and wish SS was there and say how he misses him etc so I just avoid it. And SO is pretty much at my home every weekend, skid in tow or not. Our weekends are generally planned together, and honestly, I want SO to be involved.
It's not that I purposely want SS left out but I'm getting tired of accommodating his visits. Can't go see a certain movie whenever, cuz we have to wait for SS etc.
I feel like at some point, SO needs to just accept things for what they are. This hasn't just started. Been 3yrs. It sucks, I'm sorry, bit this is part of divorce. My bs does things with his dad, that I would have enjoyed going to, but hey, that's life. There have been times when bs was at dads, and SS and so wanted to eat somewhere, or do something, and we go. I don't feel like I mope around, and need to announce how much better it would be if bs was here etc. It's brings the whole thing down. Like he sucks us into his gloom and doom, and expects us (bs and i) to not have a good time because SS isn't there.
I just want to say get over it. Your options are to get full custody, even though there will still be things and times when SS won't be there or get back with cra cra. He seems to also live in this little fantasy world thinking that things will be so much netters WHEN he gets custody of SS. I'm not so confident he will get custody, (see previous posts) and I'm really not sure he has even really thought about what getting full custody means for him. As of now, he legally does not even have visitation, not supposed to be with SS unsupervised and neither is BM. But yet, they both seem to forget that when they are making decisions for SS and arguing, and threatening each other that one will get custody. I'm so sick of it. And the worst part is NEITHER ONE OF THEM HAVE MADE ANY PROGRESS TOWARDS any type OF VISITATION OR CUSOTDY IN 3 Damn years so, it ALL sounds like melodramatic bullshit to me, from both of them pretending to be a better parent. Neither has any rights to this kid.
I guess my issue is, am I just being selfish, and how much is reasonably expected of me in dealing with this? He won't go to counseling, and gets offended when I suggest it. I don't want to be his therapist. I want to be his gf. There is only so much I an help, and put off before I really start resenting the situation. I feel like I have been quite patient, and that by now, things would have settled in and become accepted.
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Yes, his world does revolve
Yes, his world does revolve around this kid. And the majority of our issues, arise from this fact. When things have happened, without SS, I usually end up feeling guilty. Because of something SO said, or just the fact that I know he would rather SS be there. I guess that's where I am a softie, because I do try to understand, and be patient with it.
And doing things with just my bs, causes me to feel more distant, and sad because SO won't go, or I don't tell him because I don't want to deal with his dragging around. I haven't really come out and addressed this specific issue yet, because we have had some bigger ones we are dealing with...
This just sucks all the way around. My bs is 13, and he often looks forward to doing certain things with SS, and has sort of started coming into his own, and stepping away from me. (like wanting to be with friends) so its prob more of a big deal to me than him.
Your right cheri. Thank
Your right cheri. Thank you... I'm going to just have to stop wanting him to be in my life, and if it works out, it works out. I'm just so over it.
I guess that's where the it is what it is, and he is only going to do what he wants crap comes into play and instead of expecting him to accept his situation, I need to man up and accept mine. Blagh!
Yes!! I dealt with this a lot
Yes!! I dealt with this a lot more earlier on - we couldn't do anything unless skids were present.
I finally lost it one day on DH - I told him my kids are here with their MOTHER (me) and his kids are there with their MOTHER (BM).
The skids and BM are off doing stuff - why are my kids punished?? If he didn't want to attend out of some misguided loyalty to his kids, that is fine, but ME as BM to MY kids should have the same rights to do things as BM does with his kids.
If I want to take MY kids and do something, I don't need his permission nor the skids to be present.
I think he got it, sort of.
I still struggle with the mope and whine from DH - but my New Years Resolution was to stop missing out just because its not skid day. My kids count too.
My DH used to do this because
My DH used to do this because he was afraid of the emotional backlash from his kids... if they found out we (meaning my kids) got to do something that they didn't, they would tell DH that he obviously didn't love them anymore.
Funny, if they did something with their mom (which was extremely rarely) they would spend every moment they could telling us about it. But they also made it clear that we weren't "allowed" to do anything without them.
Whatever... after about the third time I left DH home alone (one was for a short 3-day mini-vacation) he figured out that I wasn't waiting around or putting my life on hold for a couple of self-righteous emotional terrorists disguised as tweens.
Omg, we get the same Damn
Omg, we get the same Damn thing. I wonder is SO doesn't go out of his way to include SS so SS cam go back to BM and pull that crap.
And even if something is bought for SS, we hear the, I got this, look what so and so bought. All day long. Not just once, but all Damn day. And my son now just rolls his eyes and walks away. He is getting ill enough to see what a brat SS and it annoys him.
And even school supplies! Bs needed school supplies, and those two happened to be with us. I was getting paper, pencils you know the stuff. All of a sudden, SS actually decided he needed a backpack. Mind you, I told bs he wasn't get a new one, but SS had to have one. Meltdown and guilt right in the store. Daddy got him one. SS even had the nerve to come to me and ask me to buy he crap.
I lost it in front of the kmart that day. In the foyer buggy area. Totally lost my cool.
And come to think of it, I haven't seen that Damn backpack since.
he is putting his kid before
he is putting his kid before you and yet you feel guilty if you want to put your kid first for a few hours? Honey, you need to re-prioritize. I get putting an adult relationship first. Certainly I put my marriage first, but your So is being totally unfair in thinking your child's life and happiness is second to his child's happiness. His child has a life outside of his father. He isn't sitting on his thumbs waiting to come back. Plus, it sounds like your SO is making no effort to really change his situation. He just likes to mope. SOme people LIKE the drama, the victim mentality and I am afraid your SO is one of those people. He likes his situation or he'd get off his ass and change it. And he expects you to commiserate at the expense of your kid.
My dh misses his daughter when she isn't here. I accept that. But my life and our son's life and our family life don't get put on hold because she is off having fun with her mother instead. My child doesn't have 1/2 a life so that hers can be complete, kwim?
He likes the situation as it
He likes the situation as it is. And has said to me "im the only person he has, I'm the only person who does anything for him" I called bullshit on that one. I told him SS has a mother and a grandmother whom he lives with, 2 uncles, BM boyfriend, and another grandmother. He is not locked in a cage until you come back to get him. You are not the only doing for that child.
It's very frustrationg. It's
It's very frustrationg. It's not really a "spoken" we can't because SS won't be here, so urs not saying I can't, bit there is the occasional I wish SS was here, he would like this crap. It just plays on my guilt, and I let it.
It's on my mind, because I have decided to go to the beach for a vacation this year, with or without them. And I made it clear to SO my plans. And while I was browsing condos, I was thinking go on spring break or no. Since SS doesn't live here, he won't have the same break, so I figured no. But then, if after all the planning etc, cra cra drama and for some reason SS still is unable to go, its going to be a HUGE deal if SO goes. I debated just not inviting them, but then Damn, that seems rude too.
I'm just going to have to do
I'm just going to have to do that too keekee. My thoughts are, that SO will go the other direction, and just start planning his own activities. Leading to even more decline of the relationship but it is what it is. I'm just sick of it.