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and the biological mother shows up...

NI's picture

Submitted by NI on Wed, 11/24/2010 - 7:43am

wow, i cant even begin to explain how this happened. my 14 year old got sick and we took her to the hospital, guess who was working there??? yes! her biological mother. we were with the 10 year old also, she is her bio mother also. omg! this cant be happening. she hasnt seen or talked to them since, i dont even remember. and know shes like, oh these are my daughters! arent they beautiful! and talking and rubing them like if she actually had a relashionship with them. the 14 year old was like, i dont care about her, i dont even need to talk to her, so and so. but the 10 year old was so exited,you could see the happiness in her eyes, smiling and god, this is so difficult. i am in pain, becouse i cant say anything, after all that is there real mother you know. but i love them and i am afraid of i dont know, losing them? i know they have to feel something for her different of what they feel for me. my husband (there father) was really upset seing her there also. but you know, he is the father and that will not change. i felt like wolverine, i wanted to just let out my claws and rip her up every time she kissed and touched them. she is not the kind of person i would whant my children to be with, she is a deceitful and manipulative
person and has abandon them. but at the same time i know i cant say or do nothing. if someone relates please help me.

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caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Wed, 11/24/2010 - 7:59am

NI - I can totally relate to the 10 year old - I am adopted at the age of 6 my adoptive parents came and got me and I went to live with them. I had a horrible first 6 years of life with my BM - I was very abused. When I was 10 also my real mother showed up at church one Sunday - I was so excited to see her that I ran right up to her and sat next to her. This happened for 3 weeks in a row and one day I noticed that my adoptive mother was crying - I asked her why and she said that she was hurt that I would want to sit by my mother after she had taken care of me for fours years - even at 10 I understood what she was saying and the next week that my mother showed up I asked her to never come back that my adoptive mother was my mother now and that this situation was hurting my mother (my adoptive mother to me is my real mother - not the woman who popped me out of her vagina). She never came back and I have never seen her again.

So the 10 year old will be excited because she has a fantasy memory of her mother - as you can see the 14 year old does not - she remembers more than the 10 year old. So just keep loving the 10 year old and she too will see her BM for what she is. To me a mother is someone who puts you to bed at night, kisses your booboos, cries when you are hurting, wakes you up in the morning, encourages you that you can do anything you put your mind to and then helps you to your goal, teaches you the importance of family and that does not always mean blood - but being a family with who you end up with (I have 18 brothers and sisters and all but 3 are adopted - so I view this subject much differently than most people).

It will be hard for a while because the 10 year old has now seen her BM but you know the BM wants nothing to do with them and she will revert back to her nasty self - one thing about people very rarely to they change - some do but if a mother has had nothing to do with her children before than she will want nothing to do after this - she is not going to wake up today and want to be a mother again - really as you know way too much work!!!

You are in my prayers and just keep loving that little girl - Happy Thanksgiving!!

NI's picture

Submitted by NI on Wed, 11/24/2010 - 8:23am

thank you so much. i am in relief that i have hope in what my child can think of me. it is only time that can give her the maturity to understand. but also i feel that i cant tell her what i fell, i am afraid that i can hurt her even more and confuse her. you really think i should tell her?

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Wed, 11/24/2010 - 8:34am

I would wait to have the talk - kids know who takes care of them and if this woman has never been in their lives they know - it is just hard for a child to understand why a parent would give them up - I for years wondered what I did that was so bad that my mother would just give me away but then I started having memories of my early childhood when I was about 14 or 15 and then I knew that I was in a much better place and it wasn't me but the woman who had me that was the problem.

Your 10 year old only know you are the mother (what a true mother is) this little blip (and that is what it is) will soon pass. Is the mother now going to try and have them in her life if she does this will create problems for a while but if it was a once and done thing then I would not talk to the 10 year old. My mother did not talk to me until I approached her and asked her why she was crying and she was not doing it so I would notice - I just always see my mother as such a rock and when she was crying I knew it was something serious.

I would not try to really talk to the 10 year old unless this becomes a huge issue of the BM trying to get back in the girls lives - but usually when a mother gives her children away she does not want to be one - even with my mother coming and seeing me I am sure she missed me but when I told her not to come back she did not fight at all to continue seeing me. What are the chances of the BM working the exact shift that you took your SD into the hospital - why did she give the girls up and have no contact with them?

I will also say because of my first 6 years of life I was much more mature than the average 10 year old - I had seen things and had things done to me that most people would shudder at so my view of the world is much different than a 10 year old who has loving parents from birth. I think that is also why my mother did not brush me aside when I asked her what was wrong - she knew how grateful I was to have the home I was living in and she knew that I would do anything to not hurt her or my adoptive father. So you also have to gauge the maturity of your 10 year old.