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Back to Where We Started

nengooseus's picture

I posted last week about our infuriating BM and having a plan. Well that plan went to heck in a handbasket.

The good in the discussion: If DH wants to pay CS through DCSE, he can set that up without an issue. And if we want to move away and take DD with us (DH is SD), we should be able to get a move away order.

But other than that, it was horrible. She basically told DH that he needs to suck it up and that the real problem he's having is that he chose a terrible person to have kids with. While true, it's not terribly helpful. She also told us that any judge in this area would be irritated if we even filed for a clarification on our issues, and that there was an expectation that he and his ex would work things out like adults. She also (repeatedly) suggested co-parenting counselling.

So we're back to where we started.

And now, BM has sent DH an e-mail agreeing to a therapist for SS.

7 months of PAS so bad that the kid won't visit his dad and now she FINALLY agrees to therapy? Honestly, at this point, I don't want to work on reintegrating into our lives. He's 6.5, but he's a mini-BM and I don't want to even look at him. And I don't want him to feel better about coming to our house. And I don't want for his sister (SD 11) to have to deal with him. And I don't want BD 10 to have to deal with him. I like not feeling horribly unwelcome in my own house. I like not having to be afraid that he'll make some kind of accusation--or that his mother will.

I guess I'm scared. I'm scared that the relatively quiet time we're having, where SD is a nuisance, but not a problem, will go away and we're going to be locked in conflict again. I don't want to lose my marriage because I don't have the ability to put up with the level of BS that comes with that boy, and I'm terrified that will happen.

Maybe I'm just straight up overreacting. I'm prone to that. But I can't live through what some of you ladies live through. I just can't.


i am a stepmother's picture

You aren't over reacting. You are reacting like any normal person would in your situation. It's ridiculous that we, stepmoms, have to have another woman and another woman's children control our lives and wellbeing.

Do you get away on your own from time to time? I have started detaching myself from DH & SS's after being so involved for so many years. It came with alot of conflict at first as my DH had to allow for my sudden absense during a time when he would usually have me to lean on (or offload and take his stress out on). But it is actually getting better as he now can step up and deal with things and I stay out of it. They're grown men, they can handle it and him and BM can face the consequences, while I go out for a coffee . You have other children and yourself to worry about. You don't have to leave your marriage, just exit the situation for a time... I think detaching myself and removing myself from the conversations is helping our marriage. Ultimately, What I realised is that I never had a say or control over my SS's wellbeing and I never will. I thought my 'care and concern' would help everybody, but it changed NOTHING. I was just stressed all the time.

kathc's picture

Do not EVER allow SS to be left alone with you OR the girls. Insist that if he's going to be there AT ALL that your DH is with him, PHYSICALLY WITH HIM, every minute he's there. I've heard too many horror stories on here of skids abusing other children in the home, or making up stories of abuse at the hands of innocent SMs and siblings. Nope. If he's there, after that much PAS and bullshit, you make sure it's not a set up for allegations against you.