First Blog and won't be the last....lol Inhales... then exhales..
Good evening, everyone! First off, major thanks to those who have created this safe space for people such as us to come to when nobody else is able nor willing to understand us. Thank you so much!
Exhales now...
I want to say this first, before I've became a stepmother, I was already a mother to my very own children of 3 at the time. Now, I was blessed with 3 children from my husband plus our first and only son together. Now, during the time that I have came into my bonus kids' lives, their mother was strung out on drugs. Around that time, I was doing all I can to help my husband raise his kids while raising my own. When she found out I was in the picture, all of a sudden, she decided to get clean for the 6-7 time. This was 4 years ago. Fast forward, after doing all I can for these kids plus my own, they are relentlessly terrible at times. For example, me finding several pancakes that they've asked for, growing mold on it right under a pillow of theirs. Whenever I have brought my concerns to my husband, it was as though he dont care unless they piss him off. So many times I have tried to be a good bonus mother to them, it's never enough. Even with my husband, I love him with all of my heart but da--, I don't want to be bothered even by him either because he allows their mother to keep spoiling the boys even after they've misbehaved. As long as it doesnt mess him up, he will not care. I don't believe in divorces but right now, I'm growing tired of me and my biological kids being here with them. I know I have a son with him but he can always spend time with him if comes down to it. I refuse to allow him to take away our son the way his nasty divorce caused for him with his exwife. His arrogance has caused a lot of strife in this message as well. I can't sleep with someone who is always about self all of a sudden but was humbled when he was a single parent.
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Welcome
Welcome to the space! It was and is saving me.
So it sounds from the last sentence that maybe this man once knew how hard his kids were and this whole parenting thing, but now he's conveniently made you the default caretaker and if his kids are poorly behaved, somehow it's you who has the attitude problem.
And if I understand the mom deciding to get clean because you're in the picture, I have to say your DH needs the same wakeup call. I wish people didn't need rock bottom or ultimatums to get their sh*t together, but sometimes people do. You don't deserve the way you're being treated and you shouldn't accept it.
At the very least I'd look more into disengagement and "nacho-ing" and taking a step back from the care roles you are playing with his kids. Those are HIS kids, and if their mom has gotten clean, they have a mom and a dad. You can be a fun bonus adult, but you are NOT their mom, their babysitter, their cook, their maid, no. Your kids are your priority and he needs to step up and raise his.
And as always, therapy is great if you have health insurance coverage and can afford it. And if disengaging and boundaries and therapy still isn't doing the trick, make an exit plan! Heck, even before you do any of that, you can think about what steps you'd need to take to leave. It's empowering to know you have that choice, and honestly, I don't know a single divorced person who believed in it or got married thinking they'd need one. It's not a sign of weakness or inability to handle hard stuff, but if you aren't respected in a marriage, where do you even go from there?
Best advice. That's all I can
Best advice. That's all I can say. I've been in deep thought on exactly what you've said before I've logged back in today. Lol
A lot of people on this site
A lot of people on this site have been or are still in the same situation, just different stages.
When SO and I were just starting out. BM also wasn't in the picture. Same thing, she finds out about me and suddenly she wants every minute of her visitation time as well as to drill into SKs that I am not Thier mother and they better not like me more than her.
SO used to be so focused on our relationship and ensuring I was happy. He acknowledged his kids issues and always cared about my feelings and was supportive.
Fast forward he soon became happy to have me take over the reigns of parenting, so he could be the fun guy. Which lead to him getting upset with me everytime his kids were upset because they didn't like my rules and according to BM didn't have to listen to or respect me. Suddenly with SO my feelings no longer mattered and all that mattered was if SKs liked him.
I disengaged and put a complete halt to any involvement in parenting. I ignore most everything SKs do. If I have an issue with something it's not SKs I address I make it SOs issue. Dishes not done, SO I'm not cleaning those, take care of it. Rooms are filthy, SO I want those rooms picked up.
This way I leave how it's handled to SO, which usually means he is the one doing it. Not my monkeys not my circus. SKs failing school, don't care. SKs getting in trouble, don't care. SKs need dinner, not my problem. SKs need hygeine products, not my problem.
SKs have two perfectly capable parents. My kid only has me, so that is my priority. I don't feel one bit remorseful for my actions because SO brought this on himself by choosing to want to be Thier friend and not Thier parent so whatever the consequences from that are, is his to deal with.
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Thank you so much!
This is exactly what I have been meditating on as well. Hopefully a resolution comes up.