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Things to do/think about before you get serious/ marry someone who has kids with an ex.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Ok so I posted this as a comment on someone else's blog and I thought I should share it with everyone. It is definately something every blended couple should think about and do before getting really serious, or married. If you are already serious or married it is still something you should talk with your spouse about. I have done a lot of research and I talked to my hubby a few weeks ago.

If you have read my previous blogs then you know my hubby not only stood up for me, he told BM I'm his wife, I come first and even tho it is their son, he is going to discuss every decision with me because it affects me. That she will not be running our lives or our home anymore and she better respect me or else court is going to get real ugly. All thanks to this talk I had with him. Since, things have been so nice. I don't mind SS anymore bc DH and I are on the same page finally and he has my back. And boy does it show. SS has been a lot better since my DH has shown him that I am the boss, I'm not his mom but I am the stepmom, ect. Things are NOT perfect but finally we can see eye to eye on how our lives are going to be, how our home is constructed and how each of us can help the other obtain happiness thru our choices.

I say you bring it up casually before he proposes... Just be very sweet and say "you know I've been thinking about this a lot lately... You are my bestfriend and I love you more than anything. I would love to spend my life with you. But.... I have been reading up a lot on ppl who just rushed into getting married before resolving their issues and they have a ??% higher divorce rate and did you know that getting married when its a blended family already poses a ??% higher divorce rate as it is? Divorce scares me. To think that if we got married and the thought that you or I may fail one another and end up getting divorced terrified me. So I have been doing some research on somethings that can help us stand a better chance of a successful marriage that should be done prior to getting married.

The first thing it says we need to do in a blended family is make sure we are on the same page with the SKids, their disapline, the standards we will set for them, what role you wish for me to play down to the last detail and what I am willing to do and sacrifice for your children. Also the role/ parenting that I feel is ok. I know I am not mom but I do feel I should have a say on disapline and structure bc one day we will or have children and I feel that I should be able to have a say on what kind of behavior my kids are exposed to. If they are exposed to a child who I feel isn't a bad kid but is teaching them to act in a way I do not agree with, I want to know what kind of disapline and structure you will enforce so that our kids will not think it is ok. The same goes for our children if/when we have them.(or already) . I need to know and make sure your kids and our kids will have the same rules and the same consequences for breaking them along with the same rewards for doing good. We will be(or are) a ONE family unit in the house and everyone will be treated equal, even if BM disagrees.

The next thing is the boundaries we will need to set for BM. What I am comfortable with, what I expect you to do if this or that situation arises and if you are ok and willing to do these things. I not only must be number one but you must make sure I AND BM know that I am your number 1 priority. She is the ex. She needs to know this and be shown this.. I am the FW. My wants, needs, feelings, ect should and will come first. I need to know how this will be enforced and see your actions in doing this. All decisions should be made with me and then discussed with her. This is OUR life. Not yours and hers. I need to know that you will not be planning our life with her and then clueing me in on what you two have decided after the fact. I know that it is your guys kid but this is our home, our life, our schedule and everything that happens with her and SKids directly affectation me and our family should and will come first, be first priority over what BM wants and needs.

Then it says we need to talk about finances. If we will have a joint account, how much of the bills each of us should pay, if I'm ok with you spending X amount on skids and if you are ok with it, the financial boundaries we both expect for BM and SKids. No financial decisions should be made by either one of us without first talking with eachother.

if you are going to put me first above the BM and inlaws. Make me an equal, enforce SKids and BM to respect me, not allow SKids and BM to think they are my equal, skid is a child and not an equal to an adult and BM is the ex not an equal to a potential wife, then talk about other concerns you may have.

You can Google how to make a blended family work from the beginning. Then tell him that after we comprise and come to agreements we are comfortable with, that it says inorder to make sure the blended family stands a chance that you must give it a trial period to make sure the agreement is actually being put into action. After a few months of seeing both of your decisions in action, if you feel things are going great and both of you are happier in this blended family and it is finally working better than you ever imagined.... Then it may just be the perfect time to hear those magical words... "I do." Lol. That should not only buy you time, but it will let him know if he wants to marry you, that he is going to have to work at it and if you do it this way then everything gets worked out and talked about before that ring goes on your finger.

DH and I have been together 5yrs and have 2 kids together. We barely just got all of this sorted our but we did have this talk and we did finally come to agreements we are both happy with. We are happier than ever and now things are doing so much better now that we are on the same page.

Anything else you ladies might like to add?

Comments

fedupnow's picture

I totally agree with your post. I wish I lived with him and his kids before we got married. I think if I knew then what I know now I would have not gotten married. As much as we love each other, the challenges of stepkids are far more difficult than anyone can ever expect. Now after 4 years I often think about leaving and have a peaceful life on my own but due to financial reasons I can't.

Disneyfan's picture

A lot of issues can be avoided or end sooner if some SMs weren't afraid to speak up.

You don't need your SOs to stick up for you. You're an adult. If someone crosses the line (child, BM, ILs or SO) put them in their place.

The very first time your SK disrespects you, correct them. Don't sit back and wait for your SO to stick up for you. That will show the kid and SO that you will not put with it.

Handle BM the same way. We don’t need permission from our SOs to demand respect. If that means you have to go toe to toe with BM to get her to respect you and your home, so be it.

In the beginning everyone is testing the limits to see what they can get away with. They are looking to see if you have to the guts to deal with them or cower back and wait for your husband to defend you.

Auteur's picture

"The very first time your SK disrespects you, correct them."

check.

But then the blow back from guilty daddies who are "afraid of losing their child to the BM" (TM) or "don't want their child(ren) to be disiplined on the tiny amount of time that he has them" (TM)

I can tell you that I was quite literally "dressed down" for having corrected disrespect directed at me from GG's kids. GG made it clear in front of his kids that they all had "adult spousal status" and were to be treated as returning royalty by me and if I didn't like it I could LEAVE MY OWN HOUSE.

Disneyfan's picture

If you do it from day one (while you're just dating) you will find out what you are dealing with. If SO takes issue with you correcting his kid, then it's time to walk away. No need to stick around and hope things will change. They will only get worst.

overit2's picture

AHHHh...see...I was watching House with bf last night.
A teenage kid is doing a clown performance at a house (as a job)...the wonderful 'bday brat-uhhh i mean boy" told him he sucked and was the worst clown and got up and kicked him in the nuts!!

The teenager after groaning grabs the kids arms as he's kneeling and says NO that's not ok to hit people -nothing wrong, mean, over the line....

IN COMES DADDY KINS-pushes the teen says 'get your hands off my son" kid of course House style falls to the ground diagnosis to come later in the show lol.

BUT I got SO angry and said TYPICAL...STUPID DAD...the kid goes off acts like a brat HITS a stranger, the teen no more then says 'it's not ok' and dad is ALL up in the TEENS grill (stranger) defending his kid when he should be smacking his kid for being disrespectful!!!-OMG, this is STUPID i can't stand that"!!

To which bf was like "wow hon, wow baby, you feel strong about it huh" I was like of course I do-I think he got the point I was making though for me it wasn't intentional it was a gut reaction to watching that scene.

Auteur's picture

EXACTLY!!! I can think of many episodes of "daddykins comes to the rescue" but this one stands out the most:

Prince Hygiene at age almost six pronounced "I'm gonna DRINK this DIET COKE" and in the frig he went; got one of his dad's diet cokes. Now I had already had a talk with GG about how soda, especially diet coke is BAAAAD for a not quite six year old. I did buy root beer instead as the lesser of two evils for the skids to have. By this time the oldest two had PASed out and totally disrespect daddykins to this day.

PH was jiggling/shaking the can, standing over us with his pudgy finger ready to pull the top off and spray us in a shower of diet coke. (GG and I were sitting on the sofa and TRYING to watch TV)

GG: "Honnneeeeeeeyyyy put the diet coke down pullleeease"
(PH stands there in defiance)

GG: "Honneeeeeeyy pllleeaaasseeeeee, Auteur has some root beer for you insteeeaaadd"
(PH continues shaking the can and pushing the envelope)

GG: "Honeeeeeeeyyyyyyy????"

(PH finger goes to remove the tab)

Me: (I stand up, swiftly remove the offending can of diet coke and go out to get him a root beer instead)

PH turns on the waterworks and starts BAWLING, storming to "his" room. PH: "SHE grabbed it out of my haaannnnnd!!"

This incites pure, unadulterated RAGE in GG!! He comes after me like a bull that's seen a red cape. Of course PH is listening to every word and actually peeks out to watch the "fun."

GG backs me into a corner in the kitchen, turns purple, screams and spits at me that I am to APOLOGIZE to PH IMMEDIATELY!! Calls me a few choice words and then he then twists my arm back to where my shoulder hurt for days after. I told him that PH was being disobedient to GG. GG said "he just wanted a diet coke" (like daddykins like son, no doubt :sick: ) He continued to scream at me then turned his sites on consoling, poor, poor PH from nasty ol' Auteur, rubbing his back and giving him his diet coke (which he took one sip and left)

GG was nasty with me for WEEKS after that incident. It was at this point that affirmed to PH that he was the true "spouse" and not me; he had total power over GG at MY HOUSE. This pivotal event egged PH on to be a total brat and a half from then on and to totally ignore me as a personna non grata (along with giving me hate stares and "tattling" on me every chance he could get)

Auteur's picture

Yep, still with him. Got my self financially entangled by buying a dump of a house that only he would fix (he's a master contractor in all the trades) to be "closer to his kids" (TM)

This little event with PH happened AFTER I bought the house. GG got worse and worse as I decided I would no longer be a doormat and go along with his disney dad ways AND when the Behemoth (BM) decided to hold back visitation b/c she didn't like our new close proximity to HER community (therefore her lies would be exposed)

Funny thing, though, Prince Hygiene (SS stb 9) has been PASed out over a homecooked meal for over two years now!! Just the other day, though, GG referred to PH as a "baby." Maybe mentally, yes, but the kid was the size of a 10-11 year old when he wasn't quite seven yet.

I am ever so slowly but surely planning my exit as GG has shown his true colours. The house is gradually getting fixed up so I won't be upside down on it.

Auteur's picture

Well the good news is I never did apologize to PH. I refused to do so at that time and never will. I will NEVER EVER apologize to a brat who is being disobedient. Didn't with my bios and won't with anyone else's.

The middle child of GG's (VD SD 13) is on the fast track to preggo and 16 land. All three are so far below failing in their grades it isn't funny. . .especially the youngest two.