You know, I never knew a person could have so much presence and not be present.

This is the hard part, the part that always finds a way and seeps in. The constant drama dodging song and dance. I would even go so far to say I prefer years where we don't hear much from her all as opposed to the ones we actually do. But that's not necessarily true because she's just as present those years too.

Constantly trying to chose between a rock and hard place. Setting boundaries (and attempting to stick to them, then the weird pangs of guilt when you actually manage to) and doing the right thing (and having hope it'll work out. Even though you just end up kicking yourself).

I was about to get on here and dump a whole day's worth of subdued drama, disappointment and despondence.

But not anymore. Her present to us every year is her proverbial presence. I don't know if we're doing it right, I don't know that we always make the best decisions, hell straight up I don't know what I'm doing. I just hope I'm not royally screwing it up.

Because I do care. Oddly enough this is BM's present to me every year. A traditional stiff reminder that I do care. That I am trying and I have no clue how this is all going to work out for SS. For his future. I didn't ask for this, but I wouldn't give it up without a fight.

I am fighting. And tomorrow, I'll wake up and fight again.

My family is worth it. SS is worth it. I just wish she'd remember that.