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What a weekend ...

Mocha2001's picture

Yee haw! Cause to celebrate ladies!!! We won on the Montessori issue … Andrea isn’t going to enroll Jacob. Whoopee!!! I think that was her intention all along, but … (this is kind of long, sorry!)

Of course she was a complete bitch about everything saying that our emails were, “I find it extremely offensive that you think I actually buy all of these reasons that it wouldn't be to Jacob's advantage to attend that school.” Our “reasons” were things like Jacob is doing well there, we had an oral agreement to keep him in the interim school if he was doing well, he had friends there, we can’t afford it, Jacob doesn’t do well with change, she can’t afford it, it’s a good school, he’s learning.” Okay, so … we didn’t say it wouldn’t be to Jacob’s advantage to addend Montessori, we simply said he’d be better off ... my God the child has gone to more than 6 schools in 4.5 years of life, and the school he’s at now is the longest he’s been in any one school in two years, and he has only been there for 10 months.

She also said we, “patronized (her) and treated (her) like a fool.” Why did she feel like we were treating her like a fool? Because we pointed out the obvious? Jacob IS better off not changing schools again? She cannot afford it? They won’t tolerate her being late with the payments like other schools have?

Of course she was VERY clear to point out that it wasn’t her that didn’t approve of the program or couldn’t afford it, it was us and SHE was doing US a favor. Whatever … God forbid we actually do something right.

She also said, “Part of the reason I still don't trust you is because, once again, you don't follow through with your word, or give me enough respect to be honest with me.” Okay, so it was agreed to at mediation that Jacob will go to Montessori, but it isn’t like we promised or anything. We were honest with her, maybe that’s what she didn’t like. She asked for Erik’s comments and concerns, we gave them to her, but apparently she didn’t like the fact we were honest with her.

Okay, tell me this ladies … for the past (almost) 2 years, Erik has either talked to Andrea on the phone about what’s been going on with Jacob, about 2 days before our visitation, or sent her an email asking for the update. With emails, sometimes she responds, sometimes she doesn’t. In other words, she responds when she feels like it. Is it asking too much for a father to have an update on his son every 2 weeks? When we sent our request last Wednesday for an update, she responded tonight and here’s what she said, “I don't think that it is necessary to get a detailed update every visitation. I will let you know if there are any concerns that you should be aware of.” Oh, yeah, like she would have emailed us or called and told us to make sure we grab Jacob’s inhaler (he doesn’t have asthma, but it helps when he has a cold) as he’s been needing it lately. I text messaged her on Friday afternoon because we hadn’t received a response to the update email. She TMed back and said she couldn’t check her email until tonight (which is BS), but to make sure we grabbed Jacob’s inhaler because he’s needed it. He DID need it this weekend, so if I hadn’t texted her, and she hadn’t responded to the email (because she didn’t want to) we wouldn’t have known, and wouldn’t have had his inhaler. So, I guess she didn’t feel we needed to know that cuz she didn’t email us before hand. God I really can’t stand this bitch! But I forgive her for everything she has done … that doesn’t mean I find her behaviors acceptable, I just forgive her (that’s what I learned in church today, and I’m trying really hard to forgive her).

We also asked in the request for an update if Jacob has had behavior issues how is she handling things in her household … she said, “Funny you mentioned working together in how we discipline Jacob, when you have made it a point to let me know you do things differently at your house. Seems you only say that when it's convenient to you...” Why does she think everything we do is out to get her, or slam her? When we wrote back we said that the reason we tell her when we do something different is because it is working at our house and thought she might want to use it at her house – F-ing bitch! God! I wish someone would give me some insight (maybe God himself) as to why this woman does what she does!!! I’ve seriously thought of asking her BF to get together so we can talk about why she does what she does. Maybe I’ll just go to his house and stop by … URGH!!! If I could just understand her logic, wait there isn’t any … that’s why I don’t understand her.

Anyway, thought you all might want an update on the Montessori issue, so that’s why I started this … as Zelina says “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Guess I haven’t mastered that one yet!!!

Thanks for listening ladies, and for your continued support (lord knows it’s more than I get at home).

~ Katrina

Comments

Anne 8102's picture

Back during the early part of our marriage, my skids' BM used to be EXACTLY the same way. Every good thing we did was met with paranoid accusations. We felt like we couldn't win. Do something bad, get chewed out. Do something good, get chewed out more. I figured it was because she was insecure. She knew she didn't spend as much one-on-one time with her skids as I did. She never cooked for them, like I did. She didn't just sit and hold them in her lap, like I did. She spent tons of money on birthday parties and special-order cakes, yet never once baked them a homemade cake, cookie or meal in her life. She never read to them, which is something I did every single night. Plus, they warmed up to me very early. Within hours of the first visit that included me and my son, they were hugging me, telling me they were glad their dad had married me and eventually, telling me they love me. I'm sure she felt like she didn't measure up by comparison, so she would do and say similar things to what Andrea says and does, just to make herself look more knowledgeable, more on top of things, more in control of HER children. I never felt like it was a competition. I was a mother myself long before I got any stepkids, so I didn't feel the need to compete with her. I was already a mother. I didn't need to try to take her place, but I think BM thought that's exactly what I was trying to do. She didn't feel comfortable about me being there for her kids, because she was afraid I'd show her up. And my DH paid dearly for this in lost visitation time. Eventually, and I mean after about four or five years of me not going anywhere, she finally loosened up and even admitted that she actually considers me one of the kids' parents. That was huge! I think maybe she just finally grew up a little, accepted that I was here to stay and understood that I just wanted to live my life and be happy, that I wasn't out to get her. It didn't really change much, she still does that kind of crap when we try to be involved, but at least we understand why. It doesn't bother us as much anymore. I guess we've just gotten used to playing the game her way.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

Mocha2001's picture

My mom said the same thing this morning. I emailed her my post ... she asked "does Andrea have self-esteme issues?" We know she's overweight, and very self conscious of it. It was an issue in their marriage, not just that she was over weight, but that she NEVER did anything about it, even when she got diabetes.

I don't want to replace her either - although I wish she didn't exist, but I don't want to replace her. I've told her that. I've told her that I want nothing but the best for Jacob ... that I would never hurt him, but ... whatever!

Thanks for the insight, Anne. Let's just hope I can hold out (and not throttle her) before she even slightly comes to her senses.

~ Katrina

laughterandtears's picture

No matter what you do, you will always be the one who replaced her. Our BM was the same way. What can you do? No matter how you try to reassure them, they still believe the worst of you. Jealous? Yes. Insecure? Yes. Your fault? NO!

~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~

OldTimer's picture

But I am re-posting it here, because I think it's good for others. I'm sure people will disagree, but that is what is great about this site. You can have a good debate over things, yes sometimes they can get out of hand, but it's good to see things from all angles... so, sorry for the repeat, Katrina!

Can I suggest something? My SS uses some inhalers as well, not daily either. Pretty much the same situation. All we did was wait about three months, refilled his prescription over the phone with the pharmacist, and than just kept that at our home. In fact, we first called the Dr. office to see if he could give us a prescription, and that's what the nurse suggested we do, just wait three months, have it refilled. And the next refill, the pharmacy will call the Dr to authorize it, and he does. So we don't have any issues with the asthma meds anymore. We have a set, and he has a set at his mothers. Now, antibiotics and such, he just carries with him back and forth if necessary. That is, IF BM fills them for him... usually, she just sends the prescription home to us, and we have to fill them, all the while my SS has had to suffer for a week before getting his antibiotic or whatever... that pisses me off.

We used to have a lot of issues with this sort of stuff, but it was actually the other way around for us. We found it absolutely annoying that she, BM, would call us every freakin time to 'check up' on SS. My grip was... Give us a break lady, kids only been gone a week! LOL- quite the opposite! So, to me, I personally don't think that it IS necessary for you to call and check up, IE meaning, you calling and talking to her every time. IF there is an emergency, she is to notify you, right? (Yeah, I know don't hold your breath... I understand that.) Well, we had it made very clearly stated in our agreements that it was mandatory for her to alert us of any emergencies, etc. Otherwise she faced contempt charges.

Now, with that have been said, there isn't any reason why you CAN'T call to talk to SS directly. One call is not going to kill anybody, I doubt that you're calling accessibly, so I don't think there should be a problem. But, perhaps, instead of 'chatting' with her at all, be brief, and just talk to SS direct. Ask HIM how he's been doing- granted I know he's young, but he's old enough to start to learn how to talk on the phone, even if it's short and brief, right? It's enough to know- he's fine. Don't worry about what happened until you're notified. You know what I mean? Go ahead and let her be in control in that respect, because the minute you find out that she hasn't informed you of something major... document the discrepancy. It won't look favorable for her.

See, my point is that sometimes you just have to drop the conversations, she has no recourse anymore, so she just is in defense mode. Doesn't matter if you are trying to work with her, she feels it's intrusive, she's threatened by it. So I would personally say, go ahead and back off, just deal with talking to SS directly on phone, be brief with BM. Only communicate with BM on dates/times of picking up/dropping off SS, etc. If something important comes up, bring it to her attention, hope for the best she alerts you.

Hang in there... I know it's a rocky nasty road. But, it can be traveled...

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Mocha2001's picture

Wise stepmom's think alike. When Jacob first got the inhaler, we asked Andrea to ask his doctor to call in a prescrition to our pharmacy so we could keep one here at home. She said the doctor said he didn't need two prescriptions. The "clinic" she goes too woudln't allow us to pick up the prescription, or refilled elsewhere. It is just albuteral, and after this weekend, and the recent crap (I'll be posting that later tonight), we are just getting an over the counter bottle, and I wll ask my doctor about it based on what Jacob's prescription was.

I can see where the phone calls would be "interfearing" or "anoying," but we don't see Jacob for almost 2 weeks. We only have him every other week. She is supposed to tell us when information is sent home from school - she never does. She is supposed to tell us when he has doctor's appointments - she never does. We have had some behaviorial issues, and the way Erik sees it is if the situation was reversed, he would want to know. So ... that being said ... the requests for updates are important. Had we been asking about the Dr appointments from the beginning we would have relaized that he hadn't had his annual wellness exam, or that he hadn't been to the DDS in 2.5 years.

Erik talks to Jacob about 3x (that is if Andrea answers when we call) in between visits. Jacob is only 4, so right now he can't really share with us.

I totally understnad what you are saying ... but this weekend was just too close of a call for us. Believe me, if we trusted her to share with us, the requests for updates wouldn't be necessary. We will keep asking, and if she doesn't repsond, she doesn't. We will expect her not to respond. Then when she doesn't respond, and something major was missed, we can always say ... we were doing our part. We were asking.

So, when you read tonight's saga ... you'll see what we are dealing with.

~ Katrina

OldTimer's picture

I don't see this about Jacob at all... it's all about Andrea pure and simple. Sad.

I did post on your other blog. I do hope it settles down. *sigh*, why these woman do this, I don't know. It's frustrating to me too. We used to have these issues, but once we literally just backed off, things really settled down, and we used to have some major behavior issues when SS was first starting school too because of BM's attachment. I can tell you, it's not easy, no. I totally understand where you are coming from, but I'm also looking at this from a completely different angle. Sadly, it really has nothing to do with Jacob, but I'm sure you know that. Wink

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...