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Need advice...

missflo's picture

So my 17yo ss has been told by bm he "has" to come visit fdh this school hols. He hasn't spoken to fdh since late Sept when he told him "I'm not talking to you until you give mum what she wants" to his credit fdh stood his ground. Although he kept calling him, leaving the door open for him to reconnect... but to no avail. Till now.
Property settlement is done now finally. He took a real hit but for the sake of ALL of our mental health he took it. So now its over. I feel like the arrogant ss owes his dad an apology. Big time. I know its probably not going to happen.They live out of state so we only see them on school holidays. Ss17 "chose" not to come see his dad at Xmas... but has had the choice removed this holiday. Credit to BM on that one.
BUT... if he's coming against his wishes I'm really worried about what behaviour we're going to see. Also because ss15 has had the integrity to remain impartial thru the mess, his older brother bullies him because of this. Manipulative behaviour learnt at his mothers feet.
My fdh has asked me to let him handle the situation, which I will of course, but how do I welcome this person into our home who has caused fdh so much pain, made him cry himself to sleep more times than I can count, and obviously chosen to listen to and take his mums side of the story whilst telling his Dad "I don't want to get involved" Huh???
I would dearly love to say you aren't entering our home till your dad gets the apology he deserves... but he'll refuse to come & I know that would crush my fdh. He wants us all to get along. I want him to enjoy the very limited time he had with his boys but I'm not sure I can forgive the pain this person has caused someone I love so much.
Please help


missflo's picture

Thanks Cheri... I'd love too but I have no leave left, having taken it all at xmas. I also need my other half to know that at least one person in his life doesn't hit the highway when he needs them. I'm also sure that Mr 17 would take great pleasure from that, his dad has become much less of a push over since he's had some back up. I don't believe in rewarding negative behaviour.

oneoffour's picture

Accept that although this child has caused your husband pain, this is HIS child and this is his call.

Just have an escape plan if it all gets too nasty. But 17? HAVE to stay with Dad? Sounds like Mum will be happy to get rid of him for a while if you ask me!

Does he have a part time job? Do they live close? Is this do-able? Can your DH take him to work with him so he can learn how to do an honest days work?

missflo's picture

Thanks oneoffour. You could be completely right about mum being glad to have her space. They live in another state, she took them when they split to be closer to her family. He agreed at the time (6 years ago). Mr 17 "works" for a family member of hers but its really more like hanging out with the extended family. And why would he need to when he can go to the bank of dad whenever he wants anything (even through the 5,months of no talking my fdh kept the allowance coming.... but don't get me started on that Wink
My fdh has a highly responsible management position so working with him is not really doable unfortunately. For the record ss15 has an after school job which gets him ridiculed by his brother.
I am also fearful that he is only coming to visit in order to keep the$$ coming. Before the fteeze out and tantrum his dad and uncle had promised to go thirds on a car with him. His dad took this off the table at Xmas when he refused to visit. He's incredibly manipulative and
I'm predicting more performances to get this deal back. What he doesn't know is that because of the hit my fdh has taken on the property settlement & child support.... this is no longer an option, and his uncle is so furious with him for treating fdh this way that he is no longer prepared to do it either. Ss15 has a similar deal for when he gets his licence in a couple
ofyears. This

will most likely happen( we'll have more time to regroup financially by then)
I expect this news will not go do

missflo's picture

Sorry.... this will not go down well. Of course we won't be telling Mr 17 that ss15s deal is still on. Just that his is most categorically off.... but only if he has the audacity to ask!