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After years of being told i'm too involved now I'm not doing enough?

4ever's picture

Has this happened to anyone? After years of my husband's ex saying that she thinks I'm "too involved" in their daughter's life now she's saying that part of why their daughter wants to be with their mom more is that I'm not "nurturing" enough? I'm so confused. I got some good advice here, thank yuou. I just wonder if anybody has this same confusing thing happening. My husband is going to take his daughter to a therapist, hopefully the ex will sign off on that. He just wants to be sure his daughter is supported and is making this desciron that's good for her. Then he's going to stay present in her life if it happens. I'll support him when he needs it but stay out of it otherwise. I don't know why the ex is bringing me into it. My stepdaughter didn't mention me at all when she talked to her dad last night. She just said she really misses her mom. She and i have always gotten along. I've been giving her more space the past two weeks she's been here and I'm sure the feels different but that's just two weeks out of five years! I haven't been mean or anything, just keeping myself busy with work and i haven't been around as much. My husband has though, he's been picking up the slack and spending so much quality time with her like he always does. it seems like his ex moves the target every time. She says "this is the problem" then he addresses that and its all okay and then she says "now this is the problem."

Drac0's picture

This was posted last year. I kept it because when situations like this arise, I spout it off a mile a second to emphasize the Catch-22 most of us are in.

We're not allowed to discipline the kid AND we're not allowed to agree to not discipline? We're not allowed to teach the kid AND we're not allowed to agree to not teach the kid? We're allowed to purchase a new home, carpet it AND not allowed to tell a skid to pick her bloody tampons up off the floor?

We're not allowed to tell the kid to stop smoking AND we get blamed that they smoke? We're not allowed to take a kid to planned parenthood for birth control AND we get blamed for the same kid getting knocked up?

We're not allowed to monitor grades or help with homework AND we're supposed to go to parent teacher conferences? We're not allowed to demand the responsibility of a kid acquiring their own car @ 16, AND we're supposed to allow kids to show they're responsible enough to not wreck ours?

This is precisely WHY people "disengage." Stepdads and Stepmoms can't keep up with the whiplash of the expectations versus the expectations.

Most of us WANT to bond with the stepkids, but the birthmoms & dads won't allow us to. We are given no authority, told to sit on the sidelines and then punished for our lack of authority and seats on the sidelines.

This is why we come here and this is why we vent. We are all in our own versions of a lose-lose situation. We are married to, and in relationships with, adults who would rather be best friends with 10 year olds than responsible mentors who teach children how to grow up into responsible, productive members of society.

We are not on here complaining about the straight A students who purchase their own cars at 16 and have jobs to acquire gas money and car insurance. We are not on here moaning about the kids who have submitted applications to college and are graduating at the top of the class.

We are on here voicing our shock at the kids who are nasty, back talking, ungrateful, jobless, sometimes homeless, drug using, alcohol consuming, school failing, unclean, unprotected sex engaging, FB bullying, relationship cheating, best friend backstabbing, bred to be the next generation of tax mooching welfare recipients.

I agree with Sybermoms that these stepkids are in rough situations and may need a lot of love and special attention. We Step Parents, however, are largely denied the right to appropriately give it. Furthermore, in dealing with some of these situations, we'd need doctorates in the study of the human psyche.

If you're not helping us in our quest for solutions, then you are part of the problem.

Monchichi's picture

Wow Drac0, after the last 2 months I have had you have no idea how much this eloquently articulated everything I feel about Chucky. Thank you for so clearly articulating what so many of us have felt at one time or another. Myself quite a lot lately.

momof4AU's picture

I'm new here too:) I've been a stepmom for eight years, but just found this site. I can tell you this from my stepmom experience so far.....nothing you ever do will be good enough. Nothing. Stepkids and BM can never be pleased. Not in my experience.

dawnibellini's picture

True! Thanks! I need to use my tablet instead of my phone until I learn to navigate. It's so small! Lol

4ever's picture

Gosh. I don't know what to say. I'm new to the site too. I guess i've always thought i was lucky because my stepdaughter and I get along so well and my husband and I have a nice little family with her (no other kids). I knew that his ex caused problems sometimes and sometimes it spilled over into our time together because we'd have to figure out how to handle her but i never thought it would come to this. I just don't understand the moving target. I don't think I'm the cause of this or even central to it in any way i think the ex is just grasping at straws. But stuck in the middle of all that is my stepdaughter and i feel so badly for her. I'm sorry for all of us step moms now too!

misSTEP's picture

The problem is not what you are doing or not doing. The problem is not YOU at all. The problem would be with ANY woman that your DH would DARE to move on with his life with. Period.

My own DH had to tell me that a few times when I would get sad feeling like he could see his kids as much as he wanted if only I wasn't around.