Hi there,

I'm 27 and dating a 29-year-old man with a 3-year-old daughter. I started dating him after the marriage ended but before the divorce was final -- gray area, I know, but so far no drama about the timing and it's not like I had anything to do with the demise of their marriage. We don't live together and he has 50/50 custody with the BM and only just got his kid into 5-day-a-week daycare.

Anyway, I'm in love with this man and could see myself marrying him. I realize that means marrying his daughter, too -- and most of the time, I'm ok with this. She's a sweet child overall with no more than the usual bratty-ness of a 3-year-old. But sometimes, especially when discipline comes up, I feel like I should bail.

I realize it's my BF's job to parent her, not mine. But if she does things like hit or refuse to eat -- I'm really against rewarding her bad behavior whereas my BF is so exhausted, he'd rather just let it slide. If I step in (because, say, she tried to hit ME) and give her a timeout, he gets defensive and sullen. We've talked about it, and he's stepped up somewhat in correcting bad behavior. But I'm still unwilling to "take it easy" on this child because "she's just a baby." And after lurking on this site for about a month, I'm starting to question if maybe I'm approaching this potential stepparent role all wrong.

Should I go in disengaged from the start? Because she's so young, should keep the bar set high so that she knows I will never be her doormat? Should I be more insistent about meeting BM now that the divorce is final, or avoid her like the plague?

Any tips anybody has for me are greatly appreciated. But I suspect that I, like many of you, will mostly use this space to vent. And to know that whatever happens to me in this developing step-situation, I'm not alone.

A bit of background on me: I'm a professional journalist with an advanced degree and a full-time job. My parents divorced amicably when I was an adult -- and the only stepparents of other kids I've encountered ranged form awesome to nightmare. I had a fiance walk out on me about a year before I met this man. My top goals in life for the next 10 years is to own a house and have children. I'd LIKE a husband to go with those, but I think that's a factor that I have the least control over compared to the other two.