Need advise
I started dating this guy because I saw how much his kids mean to Jim. He is a truly awesome man. We moved in together. At the time my D was 4years old and his s 8/9 & D 4y. A year later or Daughter was born. I understood his situation with his ex wife & tried to support him in his parenting efforts. I helped him raise those kids as if they were my own. My D went to live my parents cause she wanted to be close to her dad. 12years later I moved out, I needed to find myself. I felt so lost. We have always been in a R. Now my daughters & I are treated like strangers every time we visit. What hurts most is that he treats our d like a SD. She recently had to go to a Pshycitrist cause she feels she does not fit in anywhere. Is this a healthy relationship to my daughters and to myself? Should I walk away and pursue happiness elsewhere with my girls?
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You don't say much about your
You don't say much about your relationship with this man, so I don't know what to tell you about that except that you moved out. Obviously something wasn't working for you.
Your 16 yo, not living with this man and not having any real relation to him does not need to have a relationship at all and I wouldn't try to force it.
Your 12 yo needs to have a relationship with her dad. The two of them may need to work that out for themselves, without input from you. How involved was he with her before you moved out? Is this something developed since you left? He may not be able to separate his resentment of your leaving from his relationship with her. The less involved he was with her, the less strange I would find this. If this is a huge about face, then she needs to tell him how she feels. Maybe she's blaming him and he resents it. Maybe she feels that she needs to show you loyalty and he's mad at her about some behavior she's exhibiting.
Your relationship with this man should not impact your girl's relationship with her father. They should be able to have a relationship without you., regardless of what you decide around wanting to stay with him or not.
I would say that deciding to date someone because of how much their kids mean to them seems really odd to me and maybe not the best thing to judge someone's compatibility for you.
Yes, there is a lot that
Yes, there is a lot that didn't work for me. His ex knowing that he loves his kids dearly would appear and disappear in and out of the kids lives. And when she does, it's only to cause havoc. He always aloud her to cause havoc. When we first moved in together he gave me the impression that he wants to create a safe, happy and stable home for his kids. That is what I wanted for my daughter as well. When I met him he wined and dined me, bought me flowers often and really showed interest. I was not interested in having a relationship. He was persistent. His awesome relationship with his kids was one of the qualities that made me allow myself to give him a chance. Now he and his kids treat me like I messed up their lives. When I never forces or wanted to part of any. I am full of resentment because I feel he lied to me and misled me. He used me to make his ex jealous and to be a physical figure in acting as a mother to them. I used me financially as well. And now that they are all grown and he is doing good financially. There is no use to still have me around. Accept for sex maybe. I fell hard, madly in live with him. Completely devoted my life to him and his kids. And now I am just another option. We did get engaged about 5y ago. And today after giving up my entire being and devoted myself to him. He is not sure if I am the one. I understand that my D must have a relationship with her dad. And thanks for the sound advise. I so not let go easily. But this game he is playing has really gone too far. Does any man divorced man that had to raise his kids alone ever re marry and live happily ever after?
Oh yes, when I was pregnant
Oh yes, when I was pregnant with our D we lives together. He was there when she was born and was very much evolved in taking care of her while dealing with a very challenging ex. I would not say this developed after we moved. His mother and himself wanted me to terminate the pregnancy because they felt his daughter was to young for him to have another child. I obviously declined their selfish gesture. Told him to leave me alone and that I would take care of the child by myself. Till this day, I don't know why he stayed. OR is it me that keeps going back.
Oh yes, when I was pregnant
Oh yes, when I was pregnant with our D we lives together. He was there when she was born and was very much evolved in taking care of her while dealing with a very challenging ex. I would not say this developed after we moved. His mother and himself wanted me to terminate the pregnancy because they felt his daughter was to young for him to have another child. I obviously declined their selfish gesture. Told him to leave me alone and that I would take care of the child by myself. Till this day, I don't know why he stayed. OR is it me that keeps going back.
You feel that he used you to
You feel that he used you to just be mom, for money, for sex, and now after a 5 year engagement, he's not sure you're the one? Um, yea, he's not interested. He got what he needed and it sounds like he doesn't care. Doesn't sound like you should try to stick around. You should move on.
I'm not totally clear on your daughter. So he didn't want her but was very involved after she was born but treating her like she's not his kid Isn't since you moved out? When did he start treating her like this? I'd still go with she needs to talk to him about how she feels. If he's always been fairly distant from her and it's just gotten worse it may just be that he's been only about his first set of kids and didn't take the youngest into his heart. In that case, I wouldn't force things, I would do my best to be there for her, talk to her therapist and see what suggestions there are. Remind her that the only person you can control is yourself.
Today he received an email
Today he received an email regarding a school application for his daughter. The email was send to Mr and Mrs. As if him and his ex decided on this school and send in the application together. I made a comment saying ooh mr & Mrs. He was do quick to explain. He apparently told the school there is no Mrs. The other day he said to me, the thought crossed his mind, wondering why he jumped to conclusions and rushed for divorce procedures. Am I wrong to by thinking that he regrets getting divorced so quickly and therefore there is no Mrs? I am really just trying to figure out what's going on here, before I walk away.