bio v. skid
Hi everyone, need some help with something...
I have 2 skids, age 7 and 10 and a 13 year old bio son.
Bio and skid7 get along just fine, she pesters him as a normal 7 year old would at times and he gets annoyed with her, but their relationship is what I would call a typical older brother/much younger sister relationship.
Skid7 doesnt like her sister very much....but knows no different.
My issue is with BIO and skid10. Skid10 is a very annoying girl. I actually think she has underlying issues that have not been diagnosed because they havent yet affected her at school in a visable way so her parents dont think its anything to worry about right now.
OK, bio hates skid10, with an giant passion. She is the ickiest person that ever walked this earth as far as he is concerned. For 2 years I have forced him to deal, he seems to hold himself accountable for his side quite well for about 5-6 months and then EXPLODES into the "I hate her and everything she does and I even hate her existence" phase. This phase consists of him verbally pointing out her shortcomings, misdoings and every annoying behavior she has (and she has MANY). Nothing violent or anything, he would never phyically hurt her, but he is on her constantly about everything.
Her part, he is very annoying, has gross habits, speaks without thinking, talks constantly at times (like she is wound up and cant turn off), is disrepectful to her friends and her family, throws temper tantrums like a toddler (loss of body control and everything)...you get the picture. Her father has tried a variety of tactics with her to no avail....
Skids father recently told me that he can no longer tolerate bio making those comments to her anymore and is going to get on him next time (BYW, I always address it when I see/hear it, ie, tell him to knock it off or go to his room, that its not his concern, etc... and he listens). I didnt have much of a response except that we (me and mine) cannot tolerate her behavior and if he starts defending it in front of her I cannot guarantee my calm reaction.
So, what to do?
I have done everything I can with bio, but he can only seem to "bite it" for about 5-6 months....then becuase he was holding back, he explodes into picking on everything.
It seems to be a cycle to me.
She misbehaves, etc.
Bio calls her on it
I tell bio to mind his business and that the adults will address the problem
Bio listens and bites his tongue for about 5-6 months
meanwhile becuase bio is biting his tongue, skid10's dad doesnt notice her behaviors as much and doesnt correct/work with her on them
Eventually bio cant take it anymore and explodes
skid10's dad get pissy with me about bios attitude towards skid10
I get pissy about the whole thing
Ugh... help?
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Comments
have you thought of family
have you thought of family therapy?
to be honest, this sounds like a typical family, step/bio or not.
This is a constant at my
This is a constant at my house.
I will not raise my BD to be a mean spirited person. I tell her to worry about herself and how she handles the nastiness and let the SD be miserable if she chooses.
I tell my BD that she can only control herself. If physical violence comes into play, avoid it as long as you can. If you can't...put yourself at the top of the list of people they can't mess with anymore.
Our job,as step family, is to keep them; safe, fed and clean. It is their parents responsibility to raise their children however they see fit. (Even if they may grow up to be uni-bombers)
My BD has chosen to maintain distance with the SD and doesn't get involved in her drama anymore. She is much happier now.
I encourage my kids to never
I encourage my kids to never be rude to anyone including ss, 12. However there are certainly a lot of conflict and resentments there. I do think sometimes, a casually worded, "dude, why don't you take a shower?" can be a lot more effective than me harping on ss about his hygiene. Kids can be really honest and real sometimes and sometimes a comment from a peer (or in this case a sib)can be effective in changing behavior.
I think if it is nothing
I think if it is nothing violent you guys (parents) should butt out. Let them work it out. This way, no one is taking sides and they learn to handle conflict.
I don't allow or condone it
I don't allow or condone it when my son starts picking on her every move. But I do understand his frustration when he has followed the rules, held his tongue and nothing changes as far as her behavior goes. What I don't know is where to go from here? Do i repeat what ive told him previously about being responsible and accountable for himself and to not worry about her behavior issues. But the thing is, is that its hard to ignore her staring, sneaking, faces, imposing herself in every conversation and butting in his group of friends, eating (actually taking two bites and wasting)every snack in the house which is one of his pet ppeves. Its hard for me to deal with at times, so I can understand his frustration since he's 13.
Kids are kids. My own did it
Kids are kids. My own did it to each other and they're not step siblings. As I said above, I think it is important that kids learn how to resolve their own conflict, as long as there is no threat of physical violence. The more you two get involved in their squabbles, the more you two will be at odds with each other and the more the kids will play on that.
Instead, I have encouraged
Instead, I have encouraged her to talk about her frustrations about SKs with me and while I reinforce that she has to treat them with respect, I also validate her feelings. If your son can vent to you privately this will probably help him tolerate SD.
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I had a post all written out. But it basically said the same thing as above.
My kids don't try to curb SS behaviour, because I will not allow it, but I do let them vent to me about all of the issues. I feel the same way they do about SS and how DH treats him. BUT it is not my KIDS place to point out any of SS's issues.
I agree with most everyone,
I agree with most everyone, it's a common behavior for kids, be it step or bio. My own do it all day, everyday. I mostly agree with Fabumon and Willow that the most you can do is instill respectful behavior in your own and try to ignore as much as possible.
I do try to give my kids words to better express their annoyance with each other. I constantly tell them that they need to find a nicer way to say what they need to say.
It's just as easy to say "Can you please stop XXXX?" as it is to shriek 'STOP' or spit out some sarcastic comment.
I am always saying to one or the other "I'll handle it, I'm the adult, I don't need your help to parent"
I'm sure I sound like a broken record, someday it'll sink in and they learn. Someday !