made a good comment i think this is a good idea

but if it makes you uncomfertable then i wouldnt invite them after all it is your big day

how does your H feel about this ?? if he wants them there maybe you should make that sacrafice,

hard hard situation if you feel comfertable with it use your friends idea i also think you and your h should maybe go visit them before the big day to relive the tension it will cause

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

and invite them.

What about delivering the invitation by hand and letting them know they are an important part of your lives and you would like to have them there.

If they decline, you'll know you were the grown ups and the ones who made the attempts at reconciliation. If they accept, you'll be able gauge their attitude and your DH can fire a low level warning shot about behaviour across their bow if necessary.

If you don't invite them to your wedding, I don't see how you can possibly build a relationship with them in the future.

P.S. If they accept and attend the wedding have a 'Plan B' in case they play up. Ask a sympathetic yet tactful older friend or relative to be prepared to escort them (with minimal disruption) from the premises if they cause problems. Do not engage in any arguing on the day. Simply give your friend the nod if it becomes necessary for the MIL & FIL to leave, and then carry on with your fabulous day.

And leave it at that. If they don't RSVP or send a gift so be it. At least you were the mature/gracious ones about it. Be forewarned though. My BIL and his sister have made mean comments about my niece inviting him to things like her high school graduation and her 21st B-day party saying, "You only ask him when you want something." My niece was heartbroken. So if MIL and FIL say something snide about gifts I would tell them their presence would be gift enough and let it go.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I am a parent and I have parents, so I know for a fact that all parents make mistakes. Sometimes even HUGE ones. Whatever their motivation for doing as they have in the past, no matter how misguided they may be, I say pity them for their ignorance and send them an invite. I wouldn't send a letter with, just the invitation alone. It's pretty self-explanatory, I think. Start out your new marriage on the right foot. If your future in-laws cannot support your marriage, then cut them off. But for now, with the counseling and all that, extend the olive branch. As you say, you will be related to them and will have to have some kind of relationship with them. They will be in your family until they die. That could take awhile!

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

I agree.. Invite them.. if you dont, that is not a bell that can be unrung in the future. You need to show that you want this to work for EVERYONE. I think your inlaws will realize that you arent taking him away from anyone.. that you are still willing to share him (to some extent) w/his family.

Extended families are so freakin difficult. If we dont call my inlaws back IMMEDIATELY they flip out. We were on a 4 night cruise and then on a land portion for a couple of days. We decided to leave the cell phones at home, Everyone, and I mean everyone (his parents included) knew we were on vaca.. .yet when we got home there were nasty messages from his parents all over our phones demanding we call them back and WHAT WAS OUR PROBLEM!!

So.. I guess what I am trying to say is dont give them any more ammunition than they need, if they are anything like my inlaws, they need to be treated w/kid gloves.. and thank god they live in a different state, as do mine!!

Congrats on the wedding!!

Just think.. perhaps they will say no! Keep your fingers crossed. Then at least in the future if they express any regrets.. its only regrets on their side.. not yours!

Just think.. perhaps they will say no! Keep your fingers crossed. Then at least in the future if they express any regrets.. its only regrets on their side.. not yours!

I do feel your plight.

If they say anything about it being in your home state, I would point out that TRADITIONALLY the wedding is in the Bride's church and hometown.

Have your dh call and make the invite known verbally with a comment like, this will be followed up by an invitation in the mail.

Dont let anyone rain on your day!! Have a great wedding day!

I would just have your ceremony the way you want, with the people there who support you. To invite the people who are causing the problems regardless of them being family seems to me to be asking for trouble. Hopefully I am wrong but if they don't know where and when they can't cause any problems.

This ceremony is brief but important and lots of people don't invite everyone to their wedding. If they want to extend the olive branch, they can do it to both of you as a married couple after you get back.

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

If they don't speak to you and your FH doesn't want them there, well I guess I would say they've made their bed.

If someone's not speaking to me, they will not be at my wedding.

When DH and I got married I was on another site, similar to this one, but with just about 8 real life theatre friends. We posted about issues in the paper, or if someone had an event going on, or if we wanted to get together, check out this website etc etc.

Because the posts were not usually very long (occasionally they were several paragraphs) I refrained from posting tons of personal details in length, but occasionally, because these were real life friends, I would say personal stuff about the wedding plans, then about my pregnancy.

Now other people did it too, like "Hey I got a new job!" Or, "My wife's not doing well" or "I'm very ill and went to the hospital" etc. So I didn't see any problem.

Until one day I got on the computer (after puking all day) for some cheering up" after not feeling very well due to my high risk pregnancy.

There were 3 emails from this "friend" of mine, a high maintenance control freak evidently. She told me off for boring them, (people I had known for YEARS) with personal details, because I had just posted about my ultrasound and no news on the sex of the baby yet, but healthy. It was literally a 3 or 3 sentence post that pissed her off (and all of you KNOW I'm not a brief writer.) She complained that I used the site like a blog (not true- I looked back and most of my posts were only a few sentences) and if I couldn't come to something she didn't care if it was because I wasn't feeling well, or the kids were sick, or my inlaws were in town (other people stated things like this all the time when giving regrets about a party or attending a play, but when I did it she was PEEVED.) She ended the first email with "... I thought it would end with the wedding but now that you're pregnant I don't want to keep hearing it over and over. As far as going out with us say 'no thanks' and leave it at that, as for school- tell us when you graduate-if then! As far as the baby let us know when it's born. I am NOT the ONLY one in the group who feels this way, but EVERYONE else is too nice to say it."

I sobbed. There were two additional emails, one stating she didn't mean to send it and she was mortified, then the third one retracting that apology and stating that her BF (a REALLY good friend of mine) told her that a good friend tells the truth so maybe that's what she was doing.

I'm telling you this because she came to my wedding with my other friends (I found out later that she wouldn't rsvp because she didn't want to come, she brought a card and no gift and I think the BF brought the card. He did our invitations cheaply so I didn't mind about the no gift at the time, but...now I know that it's because this "friend" didn't want to give me one.)Her BF drug her there because he was happy for me.

I emailed the group moderator, a very good friend of mine because I knew he would give it to me straight. He was calm about it, said he knew how she felt but the rest of the group had no problem with it. Later it came out from other friends in the group that they were all pissed off that she did it, were tired of hearing her whine about me well after she told me off and I stopped posting at all, or coming to any of the gatherings, she would go to them and still bitch about me. This woman and her BF started out as an affair, at the same time I was going through mine. They made it through and I was so happy for them. But more than one friend told me that she is now very jealous that I got over my affair, and found love, got married and had a baby (she's in her 50's and is going through empty nest and menopause, and the BF won't get married to her.)

When I look at my wedding pics and see her there it makes me ill. I had the guests sign the mat around my wedding pic, and her signiture on it makes me ill too. To know that she was sitting there seething throughout my ceremony, and reception...I hate that.

So...even though in your case it's your inlaws and of course they get more consideration than an acquaintance, after giving it more though, I would say if FH doesn't want them there, then you have no obligation to invite them. It may mean the door is forever closed, but it's your day and I wouldn't chance it being disturbed, even by evil thoughts, for the world.

Goodluck!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

After reading this line: "Right now I get a stomach ache and near panic attack when I know we will all be in the same place." my simple bit of advice would be to not put yourself in the position of feeling that horribly on your wedding day. It's not fair to you or your new husband.

Good Luck!! I hope everything goes smoothly and you have nothing but wonderful memories to look back on.