You are here

Stepmonster on disengaging

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

To disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.

*They are not your children.
*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.
* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.

Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.


MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

Reviews on Stepmonster.

Couldn't have said it better myself

I find this review hit the nail on the head.


"Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.

Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."

bi's picture

i loved that book. i highlighted parts that really hit home with me and asked fdh to read those parts. he did and i think he seemed to understand a few things after that.

i love your name, btw!

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

I've ordered the book and am anxiously awaiting it. Just reading the reviews brought me to tears.... just like this website!

FINALLY! There really ARE people out there who are going through what I am!

Oh how I wish I would have had this book 8 years ago!

Seasons's picture

I am going to get the book! How perfect and fitting all of these great validations are to our lives. I spoke with BM the other day as the skids are getting older and
do not want to come over on their scheduled visits first it was the bedroom
situation now it is their age SD16 SS14. I explained to BM that we want what is best for the skids
If they don't want to be here then that is ok DH is of course taking it personal
my BD 21 says yes mom I told you this would bite DH in the ass for not
Setting boundaries and being consistent, I totally agree we both did this
Because of guilt and just wanting to make everyone happy...

Madam Hedgehog's picture

This is one of the books that I am SO GLAD I bought a real copy of rather than just downloading it onto my kindle. Whatever way you can, just get your hands on a copy, start reading, and don't stop until you're done. It makes a huge difference, especially when things are bad.