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I can't do this thing with the ex anymore!

marigold156's picture

He can't understand why I can't be part of this "functioning dysfunctional family" as his ex so smugly put it the last time I stepped foot into her house. We've been together 5 years and married for 2 and things haven't changed. He can't understand why can't I embrace his ex and doesn't stick up for me at all. The times I've been around her, she made snide remarks, took him aside to have a private conversation, they reminisced about the past in front of me. He wants to blame my sensitivity on my depression. My depression has gotten worse I feel because of this unhealthy family dynamic. I have to leave this situation. It's so hard but this is what my gut tells me. I'm already dreading the holidays because of his insistance of somehow including her. I don't think he'll ever let her go, so now I've chosen to go. Forgive if this entry is so negative, but it's been so difficult. The best to all of you.

Comments

Nymh's picture

First, I want to ask - do they have any children?

I'm sorry that things are so hard for you. I'm assuming that you've tried to discuss your feelings with him several times from the feeling I get when I read this entry. Obviously he doesn't truly understand how you feel if he does such things around you. It sounds to me like the ex likes to rub herself in your face and is proud of the fact that her actions and presence get to you.

There is no reason for her to be included on your holiday functions. Your family and hers can (and should, in my humble opinion) have seperate holiday functions. Even if they have kids, it's normal for kids with blended families to deal with two sets of holiday functions. Most kids in this type of family expect this anyway. What I see as abnormal is his insistence that she be present at these things.

It's a really tough situation that you're dealing with, but it sounds like you've already made up your mind. I'm sorry to see a relationship fall apart but you know your own limits much better than any of us (and obviously better than your husband).

Have you considered marriage counseling before you make the final decision to go? Perhaps if you could have an unbiased third-party tell your husband that these things are ruining your marriage, he might get the picture and make an effort to fix things. What's most important in my mind is that the two of you are on the same page when it comes to the ex, and I feel like he's in a completely different book than you.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

happy mom's picture

Do what will make you happy, if leaving him because he can't make your wishes come true then so be it. I'm with you 100%. I can't be w/a man who cannot satisfy my wants & needs. Sounds like he is still so much attached to his ex. Why is ex involved in your outings? But anyway, I think you made a good choice in leaving him. Be strong, move forward w/your life and forget about him & his ex all together. You'll find the right person. Be happy and do everything possible to make you happy!

-happy mom

Candice's picture

I think that sometimes we neglect what is right for us, sacrificing ourselves to make marriages/families work. I think you are taking on a lot with someone who doesn't even want to defend your honor. I've experienced that before, and I can tell you it is heartwrenching to know your dh doesn't stand up for you when he should.

If he isn't going to change, you must absolutely do what is best for you, and your future. What good are you being depressed? I think this is a very hard decision, my best to you, and I hope to hear an update on this situation.

Bests,
Candice

mamaceta's picture

I know what it's like to be in a situation that makes you so miserable. It's awful to be trapped in a marriage where you aren't respected and then he blames your depression for the problems, when it's the problems that are causing your depression. You deserve to be healthy and most of all you deserve happiness. My thoughts are with you Marigold.

happy's picture

I am no expert on the situation and no expert on marriage, I am on my second marriage.. But I can tell you maybe you should not give up so easily.. Play there game for just a little longer or simply go to him and tell him that its either you or her.. he has to choose.. He has his cake and eating it too.. Which is totally unfair to you.. Yes they may have a child together and that will not end until that child is old enough but he took vows with you.. YOU need to tell him whether he thinks you are being to sensitive or not I think I would put it to him that its me or her.. You have every right.. And whether you are depressed or not the situation alone could make anyone depressed..
If you really feel you are done just remember that not every situation or man is like him.. And if the roles were reversed..

marigold156's picture

My husband's daughter turned 30 and the party just so happened to be at his ex-wife's house. I told him I wasn't going and he went anyway! I told him I want a separation. His mother is coming over soon (she just had a triple bypass and I'm sorry but she's still a meddler) and he had the nerve to tell me "this would be a good time to visit your sister in Maine"!!!! I am currently unemployed, on disability through unemployment, going through major depression and I am so confused. Soon I am going to an outpatient depression program. I don't know if I can continue on this way. I can no longer do anything with my husband and I am just going nuts. This is not my first marriage so I feel like here I go again--another failed marriage. It's so hard to think that I have to try to make it on my own again. I have to come to a decision. I don't know if this man will ever change. Sorry for venting but I just had to get this down.

Peace and love

jenny's picture

I think perhaps the first thing is to try and work on your health, and do things for yourself, to get away from the house. Woman support group ect. And stand up for yourself. Tell him thats your house and he can go to Maine! A long time ago I was in a bad divorce when I was much younger, and I planned for 2 years before I let him know. Mainly money issue's and I socked money away, and made myself more independent which thankfully was a good idea. So don't make any rash decisions, heal yourself and when your ready let him know your done with this ex in your marriage. If he chooses to continue this unhealthy relationship with her, then I would say it would be time to move on. Myself I'd rather be alone then be in a sick relationship.

In the meantime just get all the support you can, and get yourself set up emotionally and financally in case you decide to make some changes. Perhaps when he see's your serious and are making all these changes, he may decide the ex isn't worth losing his marriage over. Good luck.

lovin-life's picture

Funny you mentioned socking money away.....I did that too, for about 2 yrs before I left my marriage. I stuck money in the pages of a huge thick book every week..so I would have damage deposit, 1st months rent etc.

I thinks its always a good idea to have 'options'....especially when things aren't going right. Smile

Anonymous's picture

I was a stinker myself. Took some classes and then dropped and refunded them for my escape plan. Not a bad idea to start a new life with a big wad! And I won't tell you my other ideas, you guys would really think I was bad.....