O/T: need advice about constant adultery paranoia
Before I start this, I have to explain that I'm pretty sure my constant paranoia is rooted in my absurd childhood. My mother was constantly obsessing over who my father was flirting with or sleeping with and how it was totally obvious he was cheating on her, etc. They never got divorced, so my brother and I lived through pretty much 18 years of my mother's nonstop talk about how my dad was a promiscuous cheating bastard and how he would probably give her HIV someday (never happened).
To this day, my mother is still obsessed with the idea that my father is sleeping with other people and regularly tells DH and I that my father is out sleeping around. Last month, she tried to convince DH and I that my father had cheated on her with some random guy in the men's bathroom at the hardware store (seriously).
I have known that I have unreasonable fears of being cheated on. I've had these feelings in every relationship I actually cared about. Now I am starting to have extremely vivid nightmares about catching DH cheating on me, and I am emotional for days afterwards. DH knows and is very sympathetic and understanding, but I don't think it is fair to him when he has never given me any reason to feel this way.
He always wants me around and never makes excuses to be away from me. When we are separated for some reason, he is texting and/or calling me to see how I am and exchange jokes. He gave me the password to his email accounts, facebook, etc. He lets me go through his phone whenever I want to. He has been completely and utterly transparent with me, but nothing he does right seems to get through to me.
DH put up with a TON of crap from me during the beginning of our relationship. I was extremely uncomfortable with the whole ex-wife situation, and protected myself by acting like a jackass in order to push him away. Regardless of how poor my behavior was, DH has proven over and over again that he wants to be with me and that I am important to him. And my knee jerk reaction is still fear and paranoia.
Has anyone had experiences with this? Advice?
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I know how you feel, as not
I know how you feel, as not only did my father cheat on my morher twice (physical one time things) but FDH had been cheating on his then GF when BM got prego. My friends also often hook up with guys even when they have boyfriends so it is something that's very familiar to me.
I also feel the occasional paranoia, like when I got drunk and my friend kept going into my bedroom to check up on him because he was passed out from too much alcohol, but I work through the paranoia by understanding that it is something that happens, and it is how I will deal with it that defines me. I will not stay with anyone who cheats on me, and if they do I won't be hysterical, I will just quietly take my leave. I also know that no one, not even myself, is immune to cheating, and over the course of my life, I may fall in love with someone else. This is something that I can try to prevent, but like I said, no guarantee.
I do not look at it as I am undesireable or not good enough for him, instead, if it happens, I simply think he made a mistake because HE wasn't strong enough. It is not a reflection of ourselves.
I will tell you, talking to FDH about my fears on adultery helps, getting his perspective on why he did what he did, how he would feel if that happened to him, and steps you can take to make it easier all work towards prevention. For example, one of our promises to eachother, as friends, is that if we have the desire to cheat, we tell the other person before we do it. Even if we don't love eachother anymore, we should still respect the other person. Theis way, maybe it can be worked out before it happens as sometimes the inclination to do so is because of some relationship issue, and if it can't then we break up.
This is just how i've dealt with it. FDH fears I might cheat because he is the only one i've ever been with and I might feel like I missed out. So everyone has these fears. Ever as how your DH deals with his fear? It might be good to try. I wish you the best of luck!
not2sure, thanks so much for
not2sure,
thanks so much for the detailed response. i was worried I'd get ridiculed for this blog, but I've really been having trouble with this lately.
DH was not entirely faithful to BM before, during, and after both pregnancies (he actually divorced her during the second pregnancy). It's one of my big fears about getting pregnant. I'm worried he will want to start cheating. I know better. I know that he'd been trying to leave BM for ages and that their marriage was basically a financial arrangement at that point. They went on separate vacations and everything.
So I get why he did it. If, for whatever reason, I ever ended up in that situation, I would not feel horribly guilty about cheating either. I'd probably leave to avoid the misery of living with someone I hated first . . .
And I agree that it is not something that most people are immune to. I have been tempted in past relationships that I was not fully committed to, and I did (and still do ) feel bad about it.
DH has promised that if he ever feels the need to cheat, that he'll tell me and we will take it from there. But he also said it would NEVER happen, which I find a bit unrealistic.
DH very rarely seems to be afraid that I will cheat. I'm not sure why that is, because otherwise he is extremely jealous and the one time he thought I was flirting with another guy (I don't even know how to flirt) he blew up entirely. But he never talks to me about his fears or concerns in that area.
Socially, I am totally surrounded by cheaters. It is not a big deal in this town for some reason. All the girls I know cheat. All the guys I know cheat. The only person I know who is solidly against cheating is my own brother, who I think is so against it because he had to go through my parents' adultery circus. Even my best female friend who got married recently is sliding into the cheating scene. It's sort of caused a rift in our friendship actually.
I have never been cheated on in the past that I know of, so I really have no reason to be so paranoid except for what I saw my parents go through, and the fact that DH has a sort of shady history with BM. But, to be honest, if I'd been with her I would have had alot less resistance to temptation also.
I'm just getting really fed up with myself and my ridiculous nightmares.
Funny, I feel like I'm you
Funny, I feel like I'm you talking to FDH, as FDH also told me he would never do that. In my case though I think he learned his lesson, it totally F***ED him over.
Yup, socially I am also surrounded by cheaters so I feel slightly weird when I'm the only one who is solidly against it.
Talking it out is good, but maybe there's been a trigger recently. I know my paranoia increases if I come across something BM wrote to him (he documents everything to keep on record) or if someone flirts with him, especially on Facebook.
I had nightmares that my FDH won't stand up for me and I walk out of the relationship. Literally had nightmares that I am at BM's house with him, visiting SS for the first time and BM or BM's friend insults me. I walk out of the house, he notices too late, and by the time he chases after me I'm already in a cab back to the airport. Multiple times. I found out the trigger was that FMIL was saying certain things that FDH wasn't standing up to her about them. Once he started to put his foot down, the dreams stopped.
Find the trigger and see what you guys can do to fix it.
Okay... I can understand a
Okay... I can understand a lot of what you are talking about, but not in the manner in which you are talking.... I understand the paranoia but mine was/is about abuse, not cheating. So, I will tell you what I have been through, and how I have gotten to where I am today with my DH, maybe it will help, maybe not... but...
Over a 10 year period I was in 3 relationships. All of which were abusive. either extremely physically abusive... Meaning the man almost killed me by strangulation... Had his elbow wrapped around my throat, lifted me 6 inches off the ground from being behind me, i passed out... woke up with a bloody nose, broken glasses, unable to say a word... bruises from my chin to my chest, from my elbow to my armpit, my armpit to the bottom of my ribs.... one was physically abusive, punched me in the jaw... fired a gun 2 inches from my temple... the third was mentally and emotionally abusive... thought it was funny to hear his 14 year old son threaten to slice my throat from ear to ear, because I told him the DEA was watching the group of friends he was hanging out with.... then he took said child out back by this fire pit we had and smoked a joint with said child...
Well, I packed 2 weeks worth of clothing and walked out the door. Damaged... well, I managed to ask my self ... Are these relationships my fault... Did I deserve to be put through all that I have been? What did I do? Maybe I am just imagining everything that has happened....????
Anyway, I ended up putting my self through counseling for a year and a half to get the answers. Yes, a lot of what I have been through has been caused because of my up bringing... It is now my job to figure out if I want to life my life because of my upbringing, or live for what I have right now...
I had a heck of a time remembering that I need to act on the here and now, not react from my past. I have since found a man that has accepted me the way yours has you. He, to, has an ex wife... I am also a step mom.... But this man has been able to look me in the face, hold my head in his hands and tell me "I AM NOT YOUR PAST"... over the last 6 years, he and I had become the best of friends. (We have been married the last 3 of the 6) I am not afraid of this man, this person. of my PRESENT! I am more afraid of my history, then I am of my present.
In my opinion, you really need to work on living for the here and now and not reacting on what was or what could be. Do I feel your actions are warranted?... Yes, but ONLY BECAUSE of your up bringing. The man your with has done the same things my DH has done, I have all pass codes, phone records, text messages blah blah blah.... The reason you have them, is because that man has nothing to hide from you. Take his lead.... GIVE INTO HIM.... LOVE HIM... not what might be....
dreaming, I am so sorry to
dreaming,
I am so sorry to hear what you went through. You are an incredibly strong woman to survive so much abuse and dysfunction and come through to a better life. I'm really amazed at what you've conquered.
I'm glad you mentioned counseling. I've been thinking about going to counseling for this paranoia issue. It's really affecting my life at this point, and I have such important reasons to feel happy and safe instead of confused and paranoid. Before I met my DH, I did not think it was even possible to for people, especially men, to not want to cheat on each other. My mother had me convinced that men were no better than dogs when it came to sexual urges.
But DH is such an amazing guy and he is my best friend on earth. We have a really great relationship and I feel safer with him than I have with anyone in my life. I am just terrified of finding out it is all a lie. I am afraid I will find out I was living in some sort of fantasy while the love of my life was just using me. Which is absurd. Like I said before, he has taken a ton of crap from me and has proven over and over that I'm important to him.
My mom played the victim when I was younger, and she rewrote this bizarre history where she'd found the love of her life and given him everything and he (my dad) had simply tricked her. He was the master of manipulation and had enslaved her through love and now she's doomed for all eternity to be his doormat.
And I think, even as much as I know it was a complete lie, somehow that story is stuck in my head and some part of my brain is convinced that if I love someone I will end up like my mother.
Yes, my dad cheated. Yes, he was manipulative and mean. But my mother always had a choice, and she did not need to write her adult problems into her children's lives. Even though she said she had to stay because she couldn't support my brother and I on her own, now that both of us kids are grown and out of the house she is still with my dad.
So I think, like you said, I can make the choice to trust that I am safe and happy and stop relying on fear to protect myself from the trap of becoming my mother.
I appreciate the apology...
I appreciate the apology... I appreciate the concern. I appreciate the acknowledgement (That is the first time I have PUBLICLY announced what I have been through... LOL). What I have been through has not been an easy road, and neither has yours. Counseling will only help, if YOU WANT THE HELP... If you are going to try counseling to have some one else give you answers to your issues, you might as well stay home. Counseling is to help you overcome and learn about you.
I was truly not prepared for counseling. I was stunned when I walked in there went complete circle with my emotions and let everything out on the table. Showed all my cards in my hand... Then and ONLY then was I able to process techniques on how to change me and my self. I can not change some one who does not want to change, but I sure can view the situations I am dealing with in an entire new light. I can learn how to handle my misconceptions and my lack of trust.
When you boil your entire situation down to one problem... it boils down to trust. You do not trust anyone or anything. You doubt yourself, hence the reason you are paranoid. You doubt your relationship, hence the reason you are paranoid. You think that no matter what you do or don't, it is reason for a man to cheat, hence the reason you are paranoid. Trust and believe in you 100% without any doubt in the world... You will be absolutely amazed at the out come. Show confidence in you and your abilities, and you again will be amazed in the out come.
I am strong because I did not allow my past to define me. I am strong because I have reason to value me and my life and my decisions. Not because I look to some one else to give me the strength, the confidence, or the mentality to believe.
.
.
I am paranoid about cheating
I am paranoid about cheating because almost every man I've ever been involved with has cheated on me. Some I did not know about until years later. I was engaged to a man who truly was crazy about me - I tried to break it off for sometime before I finally got out. Even he slept with my roommate - but I didn't know about it until a decade later.
Another man eloped with someone else TWO WEEKS before our wedding. I could list a half dozen other hideous experiences with men. I've told DH that I trust him 99% but could never trust him 100% because he is a man. And men can make some really, really, really stupid decisions based on the little head.
I trust DH - BUT and this is a big, big big but - he has a second son that was born a decade after the first (married her for a few years when she got pregnant as a teen) because after many, many, many years of seeing each other except to exchange the first son but NO involvement they have a one night stand with no protection and the 2nd crotch dropping appears and he remarries her.
I've told him a million times that just the sight of the second son is proof to me that they cannot keep their f*(*ing hands off of one another. And they were both stupid as shit to have a SECOND "surprise" pregnancy. Really how big of a surprise is it when you f*** with no protection and get pregnant????
Plus he stopped by to see her (in MY car) when I was recuperating from surgery last summer and he tells me that he still loves her.
I have him on such a short leash he can barely go to the bathroom without my supervision. If he doesn't like it that way he can leave. I've been left before. I know how to survive on my own.
And the second son just like the first is truly a waste of humanity - homeless, drugs, alcohol, lives with crack whores.
Why is he going to see her if
Why is he going to see her if his children are grown? Why would he tell you he still loves her? That is awful!
He tells me that he still
He tells me that he still loves both ex-wives, but is not "in love" with them.
He is a very nice kind person who never says anything bad about anyone. To him (so he says) loving them means that he still cares about them and their happiness.
I am SO different. My exes I would like to see writhe in agony. I HATE their guts and wish them nothing well. Of course he is an nicer person than I am. I would NEVER cause any physical harm to anyone, but damn if I wouldn't enjoy it if someone else did. The ex who married someone else right before our wedding had a heart attack (major) recently - my first thought was "Shame he didn't die". I am not kind.
He says that he went by her house because their younger son was there. I don't believe him. I think he just wanted her to know that he was back in town. He's friendly with her DH.
In reality I don't think he will cheat with her - she finally remarried (ex-heroin addict), she looks like a warthog not like the teen she was when they met 40 years ago, he was married to another woman for almost 15 years and never once cheated on her.
But I am still paranoid beyond belief. All I can imagine is that they could not help but f*(* when alone which is how SS24 (the crotch dopping of all time) arrived on the scene.
He jumps when I say jump. He really does try to please me. He know not to ever mention the name of either ex with me. But I still wish she would drop dead after much suffering.
I think after what you've
I think after what you've been through, combined with your DH's history, it would be EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to be relaxed and trusting. I know I wouldn't be.
I'm fairly positive my last ex cheated on me quite a bit. I never caught him, but he routinely refused to give me information about where he was or what he was doing. He was also a compulsive liar. I do remember one time he showed up with a hickey (on his stomach) and told me that's all that happened. I was an idiot and chose to believe him.
So, I think I have some baggage over that nonsense even though I brought it on myself.
One of my main concerns is that my DH is a complete idiot when it comes to women. He always thinks they are just trying to be nice, and then he's totally shocked when they try to sleep with him or try to push me out of the vicinity.
It also does not help that he sees his stupid ex EVERY SINGLE DAY. He has to pick the kids up from her house at 6 in the morning, and then she comes to our house to pick them back up around 5pm.
I feel bombarded by the constant physical evidence that he had an emotional and physical connection to another woman . . . every day.
She also tries to flirt with him periodically (depending on what's going on in her love life) and even though she is pretty overweight it still really gets to me.
DH is really understanding and mellow about it, but I am just sick of feeling this way.