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Questions about family court meeting and crazy BM

LuluOnce's picture

I started writing a summary of the events that led me to this post, but it was pages long and it still wasn't "all the info" so I gave up and am posting this question anyway, knowing that I have not presented all the facts. But here's the briefest summary I can provide:

BM and DH have 50/50 physical custody. DH has 100% legal.

BM has a serious mental illness that leads to her being involuntarily committed to a mental health facility because she is a danger to herself and others. This has happened three times in the six years and two times while they were married. It's is happening presently (this is the third time since their divorce). Her illness is treatable, but it does require monitoring and medication and some self care. She can't binge drink and it's recommended she sleep 8-9 hours a night as lack of sleep exacerbates the illness. 

BM was released from the hospital yesterday. DH currently has temporary full custody and there is a family court meeting with a social worker next week, which BM and DH will have to attend. It's unknown if SD12 and SD7 will need to attend. We know this is not the final say as the judge also ordered private mediation after this appointment.

It is a condition of BM's custody, per the most recent CO, that she receive regular treatment for her mental illness and submit to bi-annual psychological evaluations to maintain 50/50 custody. Additionally, and I'll explain why this matters in a minute, DH pays BM roughly $5,000 a month in combination of alimony and child support. (Yes, I know.) She does not have to contribute even $1 to the girls' medical, educational, or extra-curricular costs -- DH pays for everything -- so that $5,000 is fully for her own household.

We have recently learned that BM canceled her insurance because she "could not afford it". (This was the first thing she cut. She did not try to get a job, or sell her car, or move to a less expensive home, or stop taking vacations or the like. She just decided she couldn't afford health insurance or out-of-pocket medical fees and canceled her insurance and doctor visits.) She has not been taking her medication or being monitored by a medical professional for at least 2 months but it could be longer. We don't know. 

In the past, DH has tried for full custody but because BM's illness is treatable, he's only been awarded extended temporary full custody while she got weekend visitation during treatment (which was miserable, because we had to do all the driving and she got both Sat and Sun for 4-6 hours, midday, so we couldn't do anything on the weekends with the girls) and once she was cleared by her psychiatrists, she was able to get 50/50 custody reestablished. 

And here we are. Again, again. 

Besides the list of issues her mental illness presents (this is the first time her "episode" occurred in front of the SDs, and the fact that she abandoned her pets in her home for at least two days... to the point GBM had to break into the house to take care of them because she wasn't coming back) I have the following questions:

  • Has anyone ever heard of... or does anyone believe there is a possibility that... the fact that she states she "cannot afford health insurance" for only herself when she gets $5,000 a month will be considered in determining custody this time? Can this be seen as an inability to manage her own health and money and therefore a reason as to why she should not be allowed 50% custody? I feel it shows she is not of sound mind and has other priorities besides her own treatment. But can the way CS and alimony is spent ever be a factor in custody hearings? 
  • BM hasn't had a job in a while (because she does not pay taxes and they garnish her wages so she refuses to work) and has been advised by her social worker to file for disability and begin collecting SSI. Again, her illness is entirely manageable (if only she'd choose to manage it!) and that was a factor in the last hearing, where BM got custody again. Can she have it both ways? She's too disabled to work (when she doesn't take her medication), but she's perfectly fine to parent (when she's taking her medication)? 
  • Will her refusal to comply with the current CO be counted against her in any way? Or should we just expect a hand slap?

Again, I know I haven't presented all the facts and so it's hard to answer, but I'm just curious if these things have ever come up for anyone. I will try to finish the story of the events that led up to this next court meeting for anyone who is interested. I try not to leave my blogs up for too long though. 

Thank you for any info you have.

 

Comments

StepMamaBear6's picture

Custody and child support are two different considerations.  Meaning, a person cannot pay child support and still have rights to custodial visits.  In this case, vice versa.  The BM can take child support and spend it foolishly, and still have access to custodial visits.  HOWEVER, if she is not doing what is necessary to take care of herself and presents a danger to the children, then custody can be revoked.  I do understand that her illness is treatable.  My argument would NEVER be that, because BM is mentally ill, BM should not have custody.  My argument would be that, because BM is not willing to STAY on her medication, she cannot provide the girls a stable situation.  The fact that she COULD stay on her medication and provide a stable environment is no longer of any importance.  She, whether due to her mental illness or due to a lack of appreciation for her situation, does not stay on her medication, does not provide the children a safe environment, cannot be trusted to make choices that guarantee that the children will have a stable home environment, and thus should not have 50/50 custody.  Frankly, I would argue for mandatory drug tests to ensure she is taking her medicine.  If she agrees to that, she can have every other weekend and every wednesday night.  If she does not agree to mandatory testing, she can have supervised visitation.

These poor little girls do not deserve to suffer on the whims of a mother who may or may not be willing to continue her medical care long term.  The mother has shown she cannot stick to a medical treatment plan.  She needs her access restricted until she proves she can.

That would be my argument.

Survivingstephell's picture

I'm going to guess she is Bipolar and in one of her manic phases.  They make stupid decisions when manic which would explain her choice to give up the insurance and keep the fun stuff.  

I think if you get another hand slap, I would ask the judge how much are the children suppose to witness before he protects them??  I Think the only way to really win this is to prove she puts the skids in harms way.  Do you have proof that has happened?  

LuluOnce's picture

Yes, I believe the most recent diagnosis was bipolar II with psychosis, but GBM told DH this past week that BM's diagnosis had been changed while in the mental health facility, but she wouldn't say to what. The real issue that we have is that BM has hallucenations and makes decisions based on these hallucenations. Many of her hallucenations are about the devil "taking someone" and so she must save them or find the devil and kill him. She thinks certain people are the devil, including my DH. So would she really try to kill him or someone else? We don't know. So far, she hasn't actually hurt anyone. But she also has to be put under the care of medical professionals ASAP to make sure she doesn't. If she wasn't hospitalized... if DH hadn't known any of this was going on and gone to get SD7... what would've happened then?  

The only potential thing we have this time is that on the morning her episode reached its peak, she drove the kids to school (although she only dropped off OSD12), and both kids sid  she was driving so erratically it scared them. They said she was "talking" to the car in front of them and telling it to "stop throwing pebbles" at her, then telling the kids the car in front of her was trying to blind her. OSD12 said BM was driving incredibly fast on the winding, two lane road that leads out of BM's small town and both SDs were begging her to slow down and BM said she didn't have control over the car, Jesus did. Then she took her hands off the wheel and said that the devil was burning her hands. OSD12 handled that like a hostage negotiator, telling her BM, "I know you think that the Lord is in control of the car, but I need you to take back the control. You can be in control now. Keep your hands on the wheel Mom. Slow down. You are going to be okay."

I feel like this is pretty dangerous, but WTF do I know?! This isn't completely new and the judge didn't seem too worried about it last time. Because again, when she's getting treatment this stuff isn't an issue. Which is why I'm in the same boat as StepMamaBear6. Who cares if she's fine WHEN she takes her meds? What are we doing about the fact that sometimes she decides she WON'T take them?

I don't know what the options are as yet. Can we ask for a treatment plan before she gets custody? Such as requiring her to show proof of insurance and provide doctor's notes of her attending sessions with her psychiatrist? Can she be required to do drug tests? Would the drug tests even prove she's taking the right about of medication for her illness?

DH is meeting with his attorney tomorrow, so hopefully we'll have a few more answers. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Oh my goodness! Those poor kids! That is so scary!! 

Hopeful a GAL will be assigned and will be able to talk to the kids about this. I would think with info like that a GAL would recommend that BM only have supervised visits. 

justmakingthebest's picture

IF she get's $5k per month we won't be granted SSI. People with SSI can't have more than $2000 ever- that includes assests. Like if she owns her house, she won't get it. 

I agree that $5K per month is a money management issue if she can't afford to live off of that. Millions of people make less than that and still support whole families.