So. Here we are, going into month five of full time custody… and I am losing my mind with SD12.

SD12 and I have almost always gotten along well, yet I wouldn’t say we’ve ever been super close. BM considered SD12 her "BFF" and always has, so since I've met her, OSD has been very loyal to her mother and it’s been much harder to “bond” with her the same way I have with SDnow8, who loves BM, but also has a difficult and less happy relationship with her.

Right before school got out this year, as BM began her downward spiral unbeknownst to us, SD12’s attitude towards DH and I started changing. She began lying to her friends about us, stupid small lies, like telling her friends her dad didn’t allow her to even touch her phone at our house but her mom always let her be on her phone and talk to her friends, unlike her mean (DH is the one who bought and pays for the phone, btw) and other untruths that made DH out to be a really unpleasant, strict parent who never wanted her to be happy, have fun, or have friends.

As the summer went on, it became apparent that BM had started Parental Alienation 101 with both skids, telling lies about DH and making him out to be really scary and unsafe, but for some reason YSD wasn't buying it while OSD was eating it up with a spoon. (OSD was already slated to start therapy before BM even went crazy, because we wanted to try to address some of the lies BM was telling her. But then BM lost it and the lies became a less priority.)

During the time BM was still manic and wasn’t exercising her supervised visitation (August through most of October) SD12 became a different child. It was like she relaxed. She started joking with DH and I, and we were both shocked to see she had a sense of humor. She began to share things about her day and her preferences. She was chatty and pleasant. She started getting straight As and asked for a chore chart to earn money. She still expressed sadness about BM and asked questions about the situation, but she was pleasant in a way I’d never seen her before.

Then BM started to exercise visitation, and almost overnight, SD12 started acting like a real a**hat. She lies. Lies! Lies about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Heck, you could ask her what time she has lunch at school, and she’d lie about it. Even DH has started privately referring to OSD as “my lying liar child”. DH has talked to her about this and she cries. Of course. Then basically tells DH that our house has too many rules and it was much better BM’s house was because she “never had to worry about anything”.

DH told me this the other day and I flipped my lid. Is this child insane? Her mother drove her to school with her eyes closed because “the Lord was in control” of the car. SD12 had to stay up all night with BM, babysitting her while she walked around the house with a butcher knife cutting invisible fruit, because SD12 was afraid BM was going to try to kill SD8... but BM’s house is better??? And this is like, the 6th or 7th or 8th time your mom has done something like this in front of you... but there’s nothing to worry about at BM’s??? Someone help me understand!

It is absolutely true that BM had no rules. No homework, no bedtimes, no baths, can be on the phone/TV all night… it was a total free-for-all at BM’s. But it’s also true that some nights they ate dry top ramen and olives for dinner.  And some days they wore dirty underwear and socks to school because BM hadn’t done laundry in weeks, and heaven forbid they do anything for themselves at BM’s!

This is seriously just the tip of the iceberg with OSD12. There are so many other things, but most of them are all about BM and how magical and important BM is. She has started telling everyone (behind our backs) about that she comes home and cries every day over her mother (she doesn’t), that she stays up all night crying (she doesn't) and that she’s going to live with BM full time in April (what?!). She’s built a shrine to BM in her locker as well, just pictures of BM all over the locker door, and she’s now a champion for mental illness and yells at other kids at school for using the word “crazy”. No matter how many times she's heard otherwise, she seems to believe that DH is keeping her away from BM and this is somehow his fault and once the restraining order DH has against BM drops, everything will go back to how it was. DH has told her, I've told her, the therapist has told her, "No. The RO is for your dad. Your mom has to get well before you can live with her again." And it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. 

I personally feel like this is next-level denial and refusal to really see that the situation as it is now, is completely and entirely due to her mom's actions, and she's desperate for it to be not her mom's fault. But why? Why can't she love her mom and know her mom is sick? Why does it have to be someone's fault? And how does lying about everything make any of it better? I don't get it. 

She has therapy this week and DH is emailing the therapist a few things privately and then also going to address a couple of the lies she's told in the last 2 weeks during the “parent check in” portion of the session. I don’t know what will come of it.

I know I’m being a b*tch because I just want her to realize BM is a piece of work and move on. Love her, yes, because BM is her mom and mom's are important and all that jazz, but also stop with the lies and denial about all of this! (Does that ever even happen for these skids?)

Phew. That felt so good. LOL. Thanks to everyone who read this far. I just needed to get all that out in a place where people (might) be slightly more sympathetic to me than to OSD. And I acknowledge she's going through a lot, but so am I. Full-time skids is no joke!