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Neverending lies

Lulale's picture

I once thought I had a great relationship with my SD up until I found out she was berating and downplaying me to her mother. When she first started living with us I empathized with her and figured how her mother raised her poorly based on her behavioral problems and the stories my SD and husband would share with me. She berated her own mother constantly up until I kept reminding her that woman is still her mother and needs to respect her. I tried to have a mutual relationship with her mother for the sake of the child but it ended when she would berate my husband to me (her ex). 

Her mother lived with her new husband in a different country and would only visit once or twice a year. They would speak on the phone or FaceTime 4 or 5 days a week. Her new husband recently died from plenty of illnesses including HIV. Is the mother considering on moving back closer to her only daughter? No. During those visits and phone conversations there was a lot of manipulation going on. The mother is a master manipulator and would have adult like conversations with this child. Living with us she's a child, plays like a child, and sounds like a child. With her mother she's a gossiping, tale telling, girl who sounds like a teenage. Her mother even promotes her disrespecting us. SD lies pointlessly and downplays her father and me. It's sickening how SD will bold face lie to us while looking us straight In the eye.

After having a heart to heart conversation and constantly teaching her right from wrong she does the same thing over once she has alone time with her mother or mother's family. I have proof of this and this is not an assumption. I am really fed up with the drama and lies and I can not continue to live in my own home walking on eggshells and not having any trust for another member in my home. 
 

How do I move forward with this without all this anger in my heart? I feel deceived and my husband is so passive with it all. How do I even treat SD? I don't even feel comfortable around her at all anymore... yet alone my own home. 
 

 

Comments

tog redux's picture

She's not a sociopath. She's a kid trying to please her mother, and her mother wants her to hate you, so she obliges. Don't take it personally.

Lulale's picture

I figured this. But the lies are getting really bad. SD literally makes up stories about me. I just wish it would end and she will learn morality, loyalty, and respect.

Felicity0224's picture

How old is she? This is very common, and probably not an indication of pathology. I know it really sucks, but the best thing to do, in my experience, is to let SD know in an age-appropriate way how much it hurts you when you find out that she's been lying about you. And then don't go out of your way to find out what she does or says in the future. It will only cause heartache and resentment for you to know. 

I always had a very loving relationship with my SDs, from the time that they were 2 and 4. Then they hit their pre-teen years and the lies they told about me to their mom were outrageous. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Eventually I just came to accept that they were doing what they had to do to "survive" emotionally with BM. She punished them by withdrawing and being cold towards them if they said nice things about me. If they badmouthed me, they were rewarded with affection and material things. All of this was openly admitted to in therapy. Of course a child is going to take the path of least resistance to earn favor with their parents.

Over the past few years I've just taken my relationship with them at face value - we're happy and have a good time together, it's all good. And I try not to think about what they say to BM. I also started limiting what I tell them as far as sharing anything deeply personal. It's made everything a lot easier on me.

Lulale's picture

SD is 11. After hearing what i heard i told myself i don't want to know anymore thats being said going forward. It's heartbreaking. Recently i havent been spending alone time with SD and just leaving all the parenting to her father. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

"SD, I know you have lied about me to your mother, and I don't appreciate it. I'm very disappointed in you."

Then you disengage and don't spend any time with her alone. When she lies, call her out on it nonchalantly. Put everything on Dad to handle.

Your SD's mother is poisoning her, and your DH needs to step up and put an end to it. If he won't, there isn't anything you can do - or should do if she is spreading lies about you.

I'd also consider putting some nanny cams up around the house so you have proof of what happens and what is said.

Lulale's picture

This is exactly what I did! She then cried to ger father telling him that everyone thinks she's a liar and no one believes her when we have a recording of her and know the truth. I was the only one that listened to the recording and just shared the details with her dad. 

I've been very disengaged lately. It feels wrong but right at the same time. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your DH needs to confront this hard and fast. He needs to inform BM in no uncertain terms that pushing her to lie and gossip stops. Whether that be a strongly worded letter from an attorney, him telling her to knock it off, him sitting in on their conversations - doesn't matter. Once BM crossed over into blantantly damaging SD and causing her to act inappropriately, this morphed into your DH needing to take action.

Your SD is 11. She has anywhere from 7 years to another decade of needing parented by her dad. He cannot let this go.

Iamwoman's picture

It's really hard to put a label on a child such as "sociopath" or "psychopath" because children are not yet fully functioning human beings. 
Their brains are constantly changing, etc.

It DOES look like your SD is being alienated against you and DH by her mother.

This is a common thing many of us are dealing with here at STalk.

My stepsons have told countless lies about me, DH, and DD to please their mother (the Maggot Queen). The Maggot Queen grills them after every visitation with us. If they don't tell her something, she gets paranoid and mad at them, so it's easier for them to just make stuff up.

These kids have to survive with the alienator. The easiest way to do that is to play the game.

The real tragedy comes when the kids can no longer tell fact from fiction, and the possibility of them never seeing the truth do their lives looms. There is nothing we can do about this though, but be willing to be there for them if they ever want facts or if they ever want to show remorse and finally have a good relationship with us (the target parents).

Check out the forum topics on alienation.

Lulale's picture

Yes that title child sociopath is over the top i agree and we can't label children this early on. However i do believe if this behavior continues and isn't corrected, it is possible for a child to grow up as one. 

It seems to me SD is struggling with her identity. She doesnt know who to be or how to be becauss she doesn't want to hurt any feelings and wants to be loved more by her mother. The mother is toxic, yes. But SD lives with us and we constantly show her right from wrong and explain to her to be honest with herself and others. We are the adults and love unconditionally and whatever her truth is that will hurt our feelings we can get over, all that matters is she's being honest. 

tog redux's picture

Lying doesn't really make you a sociopath - they are different. She will likely grow up with depression, issues with lying and trouble with her identity from being enmeshed with mom and having no sense of her own thought and beliefs.

My SS lied to BM about DH, not me - he's now almost 20 and still has a limited concept of reality - he lies to himself most of all. But he's not a sociopath, he does have empathy and care about others, he's just messed up in the head from BM.

StepUltimate's picture

That sounds a lot like my SS Tog - I could have written EXACTLY the same about being almost 20, engaged in unrealistic thinking, dishonest with himself & others, caring and empathetic, but "messed up in the head" from BM. 

 

Felicity0224's picture

Unfortunately, it seems like all the good parenting in the world can’t overcome the desperate need that kids have to be loved by their mothers. There are people on this site whose stepkids have been abused and abandoned by their BMs and raised by loving SMs, and the kids still jump through hoops to get BM’s approval. It’s such a sad reality, but there it is.

Deep down your SD probably does know right from wrong, and she maybe even feels guilty for what she’s doing. But a loyalty bind is such a difficult position for a child to be in. 

Harry's picture

And she thing she can get away with it,  she will be lying to everybody.  What going to make her look bad in her normal interaction with Other people.  This is going to make hrr unpleasantly to other people like her teachers, future bosses, her friends.  
That why you or DH must come frown on her. To stop this.  It's called parenting.

Siemprematahari's picture

Disengage completely! If your H is not shutting down this behavior and wants to be passive about it he can have fun raising her. I'd do absolutely nothing for her and wouldn't feel bad about it either. If your such a sh!tty SM than allow your H to do it ALL. Be cordial but other than that I'd do my own thing and whatever she and BM do is of no concern or relevance.

If you don't give her attention, SD won't have the power to get under your skin. Treat her accordingly.