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Just curious.... Is this normal?

luchay's picture

My blog won't post. Probably a good thing, I may well be pilloried for even questioning...


luchay's picture

Ok, I think that OH is to enmeshed in the skids lives, to the point of it being a bit of a turn-off to be honest.

My kids dad lives in another state, and they go to visit him for 9 days at a time 3 times a year, and then 24 days over summer. This is hard for me, I miss my kids. But I am ok with it, I deal with it, I cope with it. No-one would ever know. I don't call them all the time, I don't wring my hands and weep and wail. I don't even feel the slightest inclination to do that. I know it's what they have to do, they love going, he loves having them and I make the best of it, OH and I get to be "just us" for a while so I look at the positives.

OH. BM is taking the kids away for 16 days (to the US incidentally) So, he won't see them for 16 days. Yes, I get he will miss them.


On Thursday I get a message from him saying he wanted to spend the public holiday Monday alone with his kids as he is really struggling to deal with not being able to see them for SO long. He already spends ALL DAY EVERY Saturday alone with them and we had family plans, so I told him I wasn't ok with it. We all spent the day together.

Sunday we all went out as a family, and on the drive there he is literally weeping in the car while he is driving. I look over and there are tears coursing down his face. Because he won't see them for 16 days.

He was a nightmare yesterday, all puppy dog eyes at them and clinging to them like he is never going to see them again. After he dropped them to BM last night he had to take an hour "to deal with his grief"

AM I BEING INSENSITIVE, or is he seriously going OTT about this? It's a holiday.

When I moved states to be with him he came over to me on the Friday night (saw the kids that afternoon) then came to me. We had arranged for my kids who were moving with me to stay with my oldest DD23 who was already living out of home and staying where we lived. We were going to take the first few days to settle in, set up the house and have some couple time before all the kids descended on us. We get to the new house late on the Sunday night. Spend the night unloading the truck. So we spend Monday starting to unpack, grocery shopping, having a great time really. Then Tuesday he says "I am going over to BM's to spend some time with the kids because I miss them" This was supposed to be OUR time, MY kids were left behind so we could have this time out together and he desserts me one day in. (should have known then really I guess)

So, am I abnormal for missing my kids but not going crazy with grief anytime I am separated from them, or is he is serious need of backing away from the children and letting them grow the f up.

IslandGal's picture

Oh he needs to grow the fuck up and snap the hell out of it! They are going away for 16 days - not 16 months!

No way are you being insensitive - you're handling things like a mature adult while it looks as though the moron is having withdrawal symptons. Tell him to cut the apron strings already and try to prepare his kids for the world. Acting like they are slicing out his heart is showing them how to cling and be scared of everything.

I would be telling him to man the fuck up and if he can't handle it, then why doesn't he get his sooking ass on the next plane and fuck off to them already. I'm sorry if i'm sounding harsh but I have no time for wuss's that are way too clingy to their kids.

If I had the money, I'd send it to you to boot his ass over there - then I'd send for you to come over to drown your sorrows.. I make awesome flukey cocktails!

luchay's picture

So I've heard!! I could use some awesome cocktails right now!

God, I was thinking I was abnormal for not being all devastated when my kids are away for a matter of days LOL

Honestly, when I saw those tears I just about slapped him. Like seriously - it's a few weeks, yes miss them by all means, but jesus. Let them grow up and know it's NORMAL not to live in your parents pockets FFS.

It has me so scared that they will still be exercising visitation when they are in their 20's. He has already told me we won't move out of our big 7br house when they are all grown so they always have somewhere to come visit....


I do want to tell him to man up. I don't think it's healthy for them to all be so clingy, he needs to let them start moving away from totally being all up in his and bm's lives. SD is almost 13 and ss will be 10 in 2 weeks. They need to start developing independence, and he needs to be showing them the way, that's moving on and having their own lives is NORMAL behaviours.

luchay's picture

Yep that's what I was thinking - OH F, he wants them to move in.

He already made noises about it.

Not at this stage, there would have to be major changes if skids were to come here full time.

I said when we get old we won't be able to manage a two story house so we'll HAVE to sell because neither of us have good knees lol, we'll never get up the stairs to clean! He said the kids won't mind cleaning it when they come to stay....

I don't know if he's joking because he knows how much that would freak me out.

To be totally fair to him, he is a pleaser. I love that he is sensitive, and that he is involved with his kids - my ex wasn't bothered about our kids, never wanted to do family stuff and was just disinterested as a husband and father, so being a good dad is one of the things I loved about OH, that he WAS involved in his kids lives, was interested and took the time to go to their activities with them, know their teachers etc.

I just hadn't realised HOW involved he was.

And he does want to make me happy, he didn't go off with them Monday as well, he got what I was saying, and I think he understood when I pointed out that I don't go to pieces every time my kids go away, I cope. I think that is why he took the time after dropping them off to get himself under control. Still think it's ridiculous though.

and I for one am doing the happy dance, no skids until July 2nd. I felt the weight lift from my shoulders as soon as they left last night.

luchay's picture

I don't think there is. I just think he has spent every waking second from the day they were born being totally about them.

They have been his sole focus for the last 13 and 10 years - well until he left BM, and met me. We have been together for 2.5 years, and living together for 18 months, and I thought he would get better. I thought over time he would adjust, hopefully even realise that it's not normal or healthy to be totally kid-centric.

Part of me just wants to walk away to be honest, but I do love him dearly, and I know he loves me. And we do most of the time have a great relationship.

I think he does need counselling though to realise that his focus on his kids to the degree it is isn't healthy for anyone involved.

I am so glad for your responses, because I was honestly starting to wonder if it was me - if MY relationships with and feelings towards my kids were the wrong ones! Should it bother me more - to the point of devastation when I won't see them for a few weeks? I mean, sure I miss them, but I can deal with it.

(And, I will point out here, I have been married twice. My older two daughters from my first marriage and the younger two from my second marriage. My first husband was abusive in every way. After I left him he found where I was living and forced his way into our home one night and beat me, and took our then 15 month old. He tried to take both of them but the oldest was almost 4 and fought back - he couldn't carry them both with me and the older one fighting him. He was MIA with my then youngest for nearly a fortnight. It was the worst thing ever. So - sending my kids away with their dad (NOT the same guy obviously) is VERY hard for that reason. But I still cope with it better than OH is coping - which is what makes me question which of us is screwed up here!! I am ok when sending them, I mean I can cope. The day the are due to fly back I admit to being a nightmare because I have this huge irrational fear that they won't come back. I KNOW their dad isn't the same guy as the first husband, I KNOW rationally that they will be on that plane, but it's the most horrible anxiety and fear until I see them walking up the gangway)

IslandGal's picture

I COMPLETELY get you!! I've been married twice too. First hubby was a gem - I was the bitch from hell (too young to be married) and wasn't ready to settle down at all. Karma came back and bit me sideways with hubby no. 2. He was a total asshole and still is. I have 3 boys. Two elder ones are independent, living away from home. Youngest is 14.

Second hubby is banned from seeing my kids becaue he is worst dead beat dad ever - never pays child support and is happy to just be an emotionally abusive assipe. Used to try and blackmail me by getting me to meet him to "discuss" child support. Meet him my ass - more like, he'd try to convince me to dive into bed with him (I'd rather fuck all the zombies in Walking Dead then spend one micro second with him). Oh, I supported his lazy ass throughout our whole marriage (12 years), 'cos I was a gullible idiot and intimidated by him.

My 14 year old USED to visit him - sporadically, whenever the asswipe would bother to get off his ass and come visit... until I put a stop to it. But while it was going on? I would be stressing so damned hard until the boys got dropped off back to me - and yep, my 2nd hubby also kept my boys and refused to give thm back unless I went back to him. took me bloody ages to get them back and I'm surprised I'm still friggin' sane!

You are strong Luchay - your husband is emotionally weak. the apron strings are still strong and he still looks at them as fragile. This is probably why he's so stressed out. He has to realise that the best thing he can do for them at this stage is to teach them independence. It will be the best thing he could ever, ever do for them. and one day - they will thank him for it.

Aeron's picture

What is this guy going to do when his kids want to go away to college? Or god forbid get married? Is he going to cry and weep all over them?

Does he actually do this in front of the kids?? Cause if he does that's emotional blackmail. If he's so kid-centric, maybe try to reach him through the idea that doing this hurts the kids. It means they start feeling guilty for being away from him,they aren't allowed to enjoy their lives because they know he's in mourning over not being with them. They begin to be required to be the care-takers for dad. This either leads to seriously screwed up kids and then adults who are unable to form healthy relationships or it creates all kinds of resentment and winds up with this kids not wanting to talk to dad ever again because its just so painful to feel all that guilt all the time.

He needs to talk to a therapist, because this is so incredibly not normal. My parents didn't weep and mourn when we went to our grand pants for a couple weeks in the summer. Hell, they went on vacation and lived it up. These kids need to see from dad's behavior and attitude that its okay for them to go places, for them to have lives that don't involve him every moment. Otherwise he's going to not only have very maladjusted children but he's going to be sucking all the joy out of their lives.

Preggo and Resentful's picture

Wow, total turnoff, I agree. If my FDH ever acted like that about my SS leaving for 16 days I would have to roll my eyes and hand him a pair of balls.