You are here

Am I a hypocrite?

luchay's picture

Or is it just different?

So. I always believed that teaching my kids to have personal integrity, to not automatically jump in and support each other if the other was doing wrong - ummm - for example if one of my kids was being mean to someone else or causing fights, stealing from etc another child and the other child complained - I would expect the sibling to do the right thing not support or defend their sister if she was doing wrong. Does that make sense? I mean if there was a situation where one was being attacked for no reason then of course I would expect them to have sibling loyalty and to stand up for each other, but NOT if they thought their sister was in the wrong. It had been a point of contention between ex and I - he thought it was great that his kids supported each other and were loyal no matter what (so when SD would steal from, attack or otherwise be horrid to mine or when SS threatened to punch my dd in the face) they stood up and defended the sibling and he thought that was good and I thought it showed a complete lack of integrity.

I was just watching a TV show "Married at First Sight" or whatever the heck it's called (Aussie version) its the first time I've seen it. There was a couple on there and the woman got a bit angry at another woman and was quite aggressive, and her new husband offered her no support, no show of being there for her, no asking if she was ok or defending her to the others. And I thought, "yes, he should have showed her support, he should have been more on her side and talked to her later away from the others, she's his wife and she deserved his loyalty and support no matter what, this is what I never had from ex...."

DING DING DING the lightbulb was going off like crazy!!!!!

Am I a hypocrite? Or is it different?

Comments

No saint's picture

I don't support anyone, friend or family, in a situation I know they are wrong. I may try to "mediate" or to calm things down, but I don't stand by someone who's acting wrong just because I love them.

moeilijk's picture

I think it's more a public/private difference, personally. I know my DH has my back in public as I have his, but if there's something we actually disagree with then we talk about it privately.

For kids, the line between public/private often gets a bit blurry, because you are still teaching them while out in public. For example, if I was out with DH at a restaurant and I objected to some form of table manners (how to eat edamame, for example lol!), then I might chat with him quietly if we were alone, but if there were others in our group I wouldn't say a word. If I was out with DD in the same situation, no matter what I would be correcting her manners/supporting her learning good manners, doesn't matter if the Queen was sitting next to me.

Ninji's picture

I agree, it depends on the situation.

If my SO was being a jerk to someone, I would say something to him in private but I wouldn't call the person and tell him/her what a jerk my SO is.

Now if it was Skid (don't have bios), I would say something no matter where we were and insist they apologize.

luchay's picture

Wink I'm always deep Sally!

I don't know that I agree with you, though. I don't know that I want my kids to walk away if they see someone doing wrong to another- I want them to have the courage and integrity to stand up and say NO, that's wrong don't do it/say it whatever. (not put themselves in danger - but if they see someone being bullied etc then I would like them to be the kid who would step up and defend the kid being attacked)

But I want my partner to stand by me in public whether he agrees with me or not. And yes, to discuss it with me later no problems, but to stand behind me in public.

I guess it does come down to the difference in the parent/child v partner RS.

luchay's picture

Makes perfect sense. I think we are saying the same things. ex - He expected his kids to stick up for each other no matter what, whether they knew what happened or not you stand by sibling, I do not teach my kids that - same as you - if you don't know then don't comment, break it up without taking sides etc. but step in if you KNOW it's wrong no matter who.

And Switzerland, yes we say that too - be neutral, like Switzerland during the war.

Monchichi's picture

SO's father publicly/ in front of his children will stand by his wife. No matter his views. Privately however he will tell her he disagrees. I think that is the difference. I am the same with my SO. If he does something where the children are concerned I completely disagree with (non abusive) I will take it off line when the children are not around and disagree. In front of them or anyone else my SO has my support and I his now a days. I also think the circumstances count.