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S/D IS IMPOSSIBLE

Lost Darter's picture

Well where do I start? As some of you may know we have been going through hell with my husband's ex and his ss. Now they have pulled my sd into the caous. Just a quick review. My husband and I have had fc of the two children since we got married. The bm is a disaster, crazy and money hungry. Well, last summer my ss ran away twice just because he wasn't allowed to run all day and all night and do whatever he wanted to do. We do believe in the word NO. BM does not so where would you want to be if you were a teenager. So, the ss ended up at bm and refused to come home and bm refused to send him home. O.K. in December the bm decided she wanted custody of both of the children. We have been fighting it the whole way because this is not a situation that is best for the skids. We even skipped mediation and went with the guardian ad litum because we were confident that she would see our side and that we were the bext parents to rise these chidren. She did not! She recommended that the bm get custody of both the children. We were stunned! Everyone we know is stunned! Our lawyer is stunned! We are going to fight for at least the sd and here lies the problem. The sd is covinced by her crazy bm and her disturbed brother that the best place for her is with her bm. She is 14 and doesn't understand the implications behind the decisions she is making now! We are dumbfounded that she so wants to be with her brother and her bm, especially the way her bm has treated her in the past. She is horrible to her. We still plan on going ahead to court to keep my sd but she just can't understand why we would do this and she doesn't understand why we would not want to put her in a bad situation with her bm. I understand that sd is 14 and doesn't have a clue about how parenting decisions are based on responsibility to your children but we are about talked out with her and can't get it though her head that we are only doing what is best for her. Does anyone have any experience dealing with a confused, misguided, and manipulated child? Her bm and brother being the manipulators. She is so convinced that she will be happier with her bm and brother then she would be here. HELP!!!!!!!

Comments

sparky's picture

I wish that I had better news, but I don't know what to say. When they get to be 14 they start making up their own minds about what they want to do. If she doesn't get her way she is probably going to do the same thing that her brother did and run away. I'm sorry.

Sia's picture

your situation. We ended up losing both SD's to a crazy BM. The problem is that the BM's seem to have total mind control over these kids and it IS appealing to a teen to have total fredom. This is what my SD's were attracted to. You are right, they have no idea about the consequences of their actions. I do believe the best thing for you and DH is to let them go. If you don't, you will be faced with what I went through for a while, total chaos. SD's acted out very badly because BM encouraged it and would undermine everything we said/did. Save yourself the money and heartache! Knowing now what I know, I wouldn't have fought it either. It is just to emotionally draining. I do wish you the best of luck! Smile

Sita Tara's picture

Her mom had just had a physical altercation with her (which CPS determined was a "misunderstanding" and not abuse. But SD was ready to be here full time when we started. Then BM started with the mind control about half way through the case. However, since BM is borderline, she was not able to keep the facade up. We followed the path through everything the court, ad litem, and SD requested. At one point we offered BM EO week, or at least EOW plus her normal days. BM refused to take SD that much (she had NO weekends since the divorce.

So that helped both SD and the GAL see that BM was full of it, since she had counter claimed she wanted custody.

I say ride the ride. Trust that what is supposed to happen will. AND let go of worrying about what's best for your SD. Trust that what is best right now will happen. Perhaps it's that she needs to be with BM to really see for herself who BM is.

My SD likes that BM has no rules and over spends on her. BUT their arguing just came to a head, likely because the money well ran dry (we know BM is in financial trouble.) AND SD continues to become more argumentative here (she is borderline also) which means she's doing it there. Essentially what I'm saying is even the most difficult teen (and your SD doesn't sound like she is) knows deep down who is a real parent. SD is now choosing our more restrictive environment, because getting her own way all the time over there doesn't last. We are at least consistent.

All that being said....I still wish BM would step up. Because right now I'd be willing to let SD go live there full time, rather than have to be the parent dealing with her illness full time.

Good luck. Release it. Fight in the court if you need to, but I wouldn't fight too much. The truth will come out eventually. The kids need to see it for themselves. And if they never do? They wouldn't likely from you fighting for them to anyway.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

leah's picture

I agree with robinson, let her go. If the parenting at BM's is permissive, you are fighting a losing battle anyway. Freedom is very appealing at age 14 and above. I, like robinson, experienced total chaos and hell with skids due to having rules in our home and constant undermining from a crazy BM. I was not willing to let all of the negative crap impact my home any longer, and likely you will experience a very rebellious SD if you fight it. So sad that these kids choose chaos and crazy BM over stable, loving, responsible parenting, but at that age it is truly impossible to change what they believe reality to be. So the high road in some cases is just to let go, no matter what train wreck you see coming.