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What would you do if you found out your husband had another child out there?

LittlePanda's picture

This is my worst fear..and it's legitimate.

My husband had an affair with a married woman when he was in his very early 20's. She was in her late 30s and married with children. During their break up she claimed that she was pregnant. This was later proven to be true when he ran into her in public with her baby son and husband and family. This was 5 or 6 years ago.

About 8 months ago this woman's husband contacted my husband. I was not there and I don't know what was said other than this woman's husband being very upset and basically just needing to confront my husband. I guess the woman had let it out that she has an affair.

So my husband has one daughter with BM, 1 daughter with me, I am pregnant also. . . He is super fertile and he also had nothing but unprotected sex with the affair woman. So the way I see it, there is a 50% chance that this kid is my husbands.

I just can't seem to let it out of my head. What if some kid comes knocking on my door some day asking for his dad? What if this lady decides that she wants support or a dna test from my husband? My husband says that she is very dramatic and attention seeking...so what if she tries to do something like this? Has her husband already wondered if the kid is his? If he knows about the affair, how could he not?

What would you do? I want to contact him and suggest a dna test..but I am not going to...and when I told my husband that's what I should do he got really, really scared. What if there is something else that I don't know. I don't think I would have the guts to start all of that drama..but I almost can't live knowing that there is some fucking kid out there who is surely going to come around. It is enough to make me disgusted with my husband and completely un attracted to him. I am very pregnant and hormonal and nuts right now also..so this is just really getting to me.

Comments

myspoonistoobig's picture

I would slap the shit out of my husband, but I don't know what you know. I guess it for you maybe it will depend on how he handles it (responsibility-wise, not emotionally) if it ends up being his.

PeanutandSons's picture

I would leave him. I know its not fair if the child was conceived before we met and he honestly didn't know....but I am at my absolute limit with the two skids I already have.

I can't have more kids of my own because of the skids....so I am certainly not taking an another that isn't mine.

LittlePanda's picture

If anything comes of this, or if I find out that the kid is his, I will leave too. I couldn't do it. I would be sick.

oldone's picture

Not sure what his options are legally.

In many cases a man who is on the birth certificate cannot get out of being the "father" even if DNA says otherwise.

I don't know if the reverse works and a man can force being accepted as the father because of DNA.

Thank god my dh got snipped 2 weeks after he found out SS was on the way from a ONS. If he has any kids out there they would have to be in their late 20s.

step off already's picture

I know in the state of CA any child born into a marriage is legally the husband's child.

LittlePanda's picture

From the phone call my husband got the impression that the 2 were no longer together. So is it best to just let it be??? it would be wrong for me to start drama to find out the truth if the people directly involved have never done so...right?

LittlePanda's picture

How would I leave? We have a very young child together an another due in 2 months. How could I leave? And without knowing if the child is his or not? I want to know for sure...

Starla's picture

I have thought about this before but for different reasons. I feel that there should be a DNA test and go from there. Would the other guy be willing to adopt should the results come back that your DH is the bio parent? Looking at it from the kids point of view, would you want to know who your real bio parents are even if they are not a part of your life? Also for medical purposes down the road, knowing family history, illnesses that are hereditary, possible transplants if the blood type is a match, and just know where you came from.

Its a hard pill to swallow and I can only imagine all the lingering questions there must be, do you think your DH would want to be involved in her life if he is the father?

LittlePanda's picture

I don't want to think about any of those things you mentioned....and if he is the father, I would not want to be with him any more. But should I persue finding out if he is the father or will I just stir up the very thing that I fear? Of course, maybe they already know who the father is..or maybe she is going to go crazy one day and start contacting my husband..wth.

Starla's picture

"About 8 months ago this woman's husband contacted my husband." I hate to say it, she is making noise and your DH might not have a choice but to take the test if the BM pushes for it. Not sure about the legal end of it but I would ask a lawyer and find out your rights first.

It can get messy if your not careful or if you don't know what your doing. I honestly hope it turns out in your favor, just take it one step at a time.

princessmofo's picture

I couldn't take it. I would walk. One bm is enough. I can't imagine dealing with two.

herewegoagain's picture

What state was this in? You need to find out FIRST what the laws of that state are before you go trying to get a DNA test or not. If the state has laws that would make your husband liable, I would probably get a DNA test at this point...no point in not knowing and then being hit with back CS. If your state has laws that state the one she was married to at the time CANNOT come after your DH for his money or the witch can't come back for CS, then it is up to him if he wants a DNA test or not.

Honestly, if the kid was his, I would leave. No way that after going through all the crap with one kid I would now take on having to deal with another I didn't know about. If he told you there was this chance when you met, that MIGHT be different...but if you are just finding out, run for the hills.

nothinforya's picture

"paternity in yourstate"

"adultery and paternity in yourstate"

"failure to use common sense in yourstate resulting in years of heartache for many other people"

"being a fucktard in yourstate"

herewegoagain's picture

PS - you need to research the laws in the state BM lives...not your state...

Anyway, I would look for paternity laws, child support paternity, retroactive child support...you can also use questions such as "am I liable for child support if I dind't know the child existed?" or similar...Some states, like in Texas, have not just the website for the standard child support stuff, but the actual LAWS online...ie. Texas has Texas legislature online site with ALL of the Texas laws, including Child Support...if you can find something similar for the state, that is best...

Elizabeth's picture

The only way I would leave is if I found out the child was conceived while we were dating/married. That would be a dealbreaker for me. But SD20 was an accident when DH was well into his 30s and old enough to know better, so I wouldn't be surprised if there was another one of those out there somewhere from when he was younger.

I frankly think him having another child that is not mine would help because it would take his attention away from SD20 and she'd have to share him with another adult who wants his time and, I'm sure, money.

LittlePanda's picture

I think in my state, if the mother is married to another man at the time of conception, and has been for 10 months, the husband is presumed to be the father, HOWEVER, if it comes to light that there was an affair, and genetic testing proves otherwise, the bio father becomes legally and financially responsible.

somedevilishbeauty's picture

You know everyone has a past, sounds like your DH was stupid in his, but if this lady never told him about this kid I wouldnt blame or punish your DH. SOunds like this woman is mostly to blame for her bad decisions. I wouldn't go looking for drama with this lady unless your DH wants to know for sure if this kid is his or not.

LittlePanda's picture

He doesn't want to know. Im just so stressed out. After her husband called I have been just worrying and wondering what is going on..will there be more phone calls? What if she calls next time....

somedevilishbeauty's picture

Screen your calls, check with your lawyer if you have one to see if anything could happen legally. Try not to stress yourself out ( i know its hard at times) but you said your pregnant and thats not good for the baby. if things do arise with paternanty with this kid chances are it would be a long process with custody and this couples divorse.

Hanny's picture

I would do nothing! This is up to this woman and her husband, not you. Don't get involved in this. You need to relax and stop worrying about this, it does not seem to be an issue for anyone involved other than YOU.

oneoffour's picture

I wonder if they found out the kid has some genetic heridtary problem that was ruled out of the mother and her husband. Who knows how many other affairs she has had or how many kids with dubious paternity.

I would not hold my husband accountable for his behaviour prior to meeting me. That is unfair. However if this child wanted to be part of our family that would take a DNA test before they crossed my doorstep. And all the same rules would apply to her/him that apply to our other kids. I would not encourage DH to be an active part of this adults life but if nothing else learning about possible medical issues would be the least he could do.

LittlePanda's picture

Thank you for telling me this...I think that my husband knows that the kid is his..and I think that maybe when this lady's husband called something was brought up about it all, but I just don't know. I say there is a "50%" chance that it i s his, but I think the odds are much higher. The womans husband is military and would be gone for weeks at a time..and though MY husband claims that this lady was screwing them both..how many women have an affair and still continue to have tons of sex with their husbands? This kid has to be his and he just wont admit it. It makes me sick to even think about and I don't want to see his face.

I already know that if/when this kid comes around it will ruin my life.

Anon2009's picture

1. I'd tell DH he better get another job.

2. If he decides to have a relationship with this child (I hope he would at least try), we're going to be discussing boundaries for the BM and rules for the sk. And HE will be the one enforcing them. Not me.

3. We'd be discussing CS- a lot. We'd probably just pay it through the state so we can tell BM to talk with them if she hasn't received CS on time.

LittlePanda's picture

The thought of him having any contact, for WHATEVER reason, with this woman..it makes me so upset. I cannot imagine having to deal with her and their fucking offspring for the next 13 years. I will soon have 2 babies by this man..how could I let myself get stuck in a situation like this.

Anon2009's picture

If he wants to be involved in the child's life he can and should go through a third party. He can pay CS through the state as opposed to writing a check out to her directly.

herewegoagain's picture

By the way, I don't know what your DH told you about the conversation, but it seems to ME that he is not telling you the 100% truth based on what you have told us. If he gave you more information than you gave us, then maybe I am wrong...but if my DH told me "this lady is a trouble maker, the man called me to chew me out for having an affair" but didn't tell me EXACTLY what that man said, I would not trust him...

LittlePanda's picture

Yes, I am now starting to think that something else is up. Why would her husband call DH YEARS after the fact to chew him out?

katietome's picture

I personally know 2 couples this has happened to.

One couple, my cousin and her husband ended up getting royally screwed. They started dating about 3 months after he broke up with the BM. The BM never told the BF that she was pregnant. She moved one state over to live with extended family and applied for state aid. In that state they are notorious for going after the BF for every little dime. Fast forward several years, my cousin and her husband are married and have two girls. The first child is now 4 and needs a bone marrow transplant. "Suddenly" the BM figures out how to contact the BF....never mind the fact that his parents lived in the same house for 20 years AND had the same phone number the whole time (they were high school sweethearts). My cousin and her husband lived in his parent's house until the kid was 2 1/2. They are contacted because a) HE has a child who has been receiving state aid for the past 4 years, b) STATE paid her medical bills, and oh ya... c) child needs to see if his half siblings are a match to the First Son.

They were hit with all of this from a bully of an attorney from The State (not the state they lived in, but BM's state). The bill from the state was HUGE. One part was for back CS. BUT, they issued the back CS at his current-at-the-time income. He has finished his medical residency and was only making 6 figures for 4 months at that point. He was netting about $7000 a month and they ordered CS to be 20% of his income, about $1400 in CS. Multiply that by 12 for 4 years and they "owed" almost $70,000 in BACK CS. The second part was for aid that the state gave in the forms of medical, food, and housing. THAT bill was over $150,000. It was NOT FUNNY in any way shape or form. My cousin spent almost 2 YEARS proving that there was ZERO reason for the BM to not know where the child's father lived. Once that was proven The State dropped the Aid portion of the bill; they never went after the BM for it though. For those 2 years that she fought his wages were garnished for both CS (they didn't fight that after the paternity test came back) and for the arrears. Half his paycheck went to CS. Thankfully, once they were seen before a judge and it was accepted that the BM should NOT have withheld the information regarding the father the judge was amenable to reevaluating the CS arrears. The final amount "owed" was based on his residency pay of $35,000 (give or take) which was much much better than the pay he was newly making. In the end, he overpaid the arrears by over $10,000 and he was told to be thankful.

Today, that child is 15 years old and they've only seen him 2x's. It took 4 years to even get visitation honored and by that point the kid was so PAS'ed that they both gave up. I actually feel *really* bad for the kid. My cousin's husband is an amazing man and a great dad.

The second couple I know of this happening to was similar. They had been high school sweethearts and after graduation they went off to different colleges. After the first few months they broke it off. The guy transferred to her school for his Sophomore year, wanting to resume their relationship. They finish school and move on with their lives nice and happy.

Fast forward several years.... they get a phone call. A friend of a friend was able to locate them. While they were broken up the guy was seeing other girls. No biggie, they both dated and weren't dating each other anymore. Turns out that one of the girls gets pregnant and keeps the baby. Didn't want the baby's daddy in her life and didn't want child support. Her baby, she would deal with it. Child is now 6-7 years old....and mom has terminal breast cancer. By the time my friend and her husband were contacted the mom had days left to live. They flew out to mom's state and she died 5 days later. The paternity test wasn't even back yet. The grandparents took custody, I got the impression that they didn't even want the Daddy found. BM left everything to her son AND his half-siblings from his father, over $5 million in trust with the boy's father being custodian.

I'll never forget the look of shock on my friend's face. Not at the money, though that was a hard thing to comprehend, but at suddenly having a SS.

I'm personally of the opinion that any mom who doesn't tell the father of the existence of his child is as BAD as the dead beat dads who just bail. My friend's SS's mom was a good woman who raised her son well.... BUT.... she was wrong in not telling them about the kid. He lost out on so many years.

Kate

Gabriels Mom's picture

My mom never told my biological father about me. He died tragically when I was 2, she never told his family. She married my dad who was a kick @ss dad so I never really thought about finding my biodad's family. Then my son was born premature and I had all these questions about medical history that I couldn't answer. So I started questioning my mom. She wouldn't tell me anything. I called her bestfriend from HS my "aunt" she told me it wasn't her place to tell me but she slipped up she told me his family lived down the street from her parents (her parents lived on the same street for 50 years) and I had a picture of my aunt's wedding with my mom and bio dad with my mom's name his bio dad's first name and last initial written on the back. I knew this guy was italian so I searched property records on that street and found one with a very italian sounding name. I wrote to them. It was them. After DNA test it showed I was infact related to them though once I met my aunt there was no question I look just like her! I talk more with my bio-dad's sisters than I do his dad. He's really grumpy that they didn't know about me until I was 30. *sigh* It's not right to not know where you come from.

Second story: 2 years ago DH received an email on facebook from an 18 year old girl claiming to be his daughter. He freaked out so bad I had to leave work to calm him down. We clicked on her mom's profile and DH said he never slept with her. He said he didn't recognize her at all. He contacted the girl and talked to her a few times We were going to do a DNA test until she told her mom's sister that she talked to her "dad" and she clarified that it was not my husband. There was another guy with the same first and last name in their graduating class. Never did I think I would leave my husband over this. He didn't know. Your DH couldn't tell you what he didn't know. Instead of freaking out why don't y'all find out what's going on and then go from there?

J123456's picture

This one is a tough one but you need to know what is coming your way. First, you nee to ask yourself what "YOU" can realistically accept in this marriage if that child is indeed your husbands son. Only you know that. You must prepare yourself for the worst, that this child is his. You need to know the truth because it will haunt you for the rest of your life and marriage. If this child is his, will you be able accept this child? Will this child be a nuisance for you? Be honest with yourself. Only you know the answers to these questions. Remember this happened before he met you. So,there is nothing to forgive on his end cause you were not in his life. He didn't cheat on you and that't the truth. He was some dumb 20 year old guy having sex with a 30's something year old woman who is more to blame cause she was married with kids and knew exactly what she was doing. He was very young and used poor judgement having sex with a married woman too, he messed up big time! But she took a vow and she broke it.

This child has been born into something that they could not control nor ask for. This child is to blame for nothing. All they did was be born. You need to remember this when you are angry. You need to find out if it's his son. You just have to.

What if he is your husbands son the only father they have ever know probably doesn't want him anymore, or treats him differently. If this child is indeed your husbands child his real father doesn't want him either? But you have the power to turn this around. If you truly love him you accept him when shit gets real. No one is perfect and we are all sinners, but what we do after is the real test.

That child will grow up soon and be a man. Depending on what happens now, will determine all of your's future. Whether you want it or not you are involved now. Just the simple fact that you fear him coming to the door one day and "fucking" up your day and life leads me to believe you are not ready for this. But then again you are in shock and upset. Give it time and think rationally, logically. This is your LIFE and if you truly love him you say shit happens and we will figure this out together. Do you leave him cause something really bad happen? I guess you could, but bad stuff happens all the time, do you run from them?

If this child is in fact your husbands child, he has an obligation to do the right thing, a moral obligation. If he doesn't do the right thing then you have to ask yourself Is this a man I want as a husband?" A man that can just not care? Ignore it happen? I guess he could and so could you. But you know now, its different.

I have a friend who's husband cheated on her and conceived a child in that affair. It was brutally painful for her. She left him and got a divorce. But, she was still madly in love with her husband and he was so regretful for what he did and also was in love with his wife. But, he was a father to that child and owned up to the mess he made and tried the best to make the best of it. Most men don't do that. They reconciled and she forgave him. They have gone through so much, but he has been a stellar husband since and a wonderful father to that child and now an even better father to their own child. She ended up accepting that child little by little and now that little girl is 21 years old and loves her just as much as she loves her own mother. Because she was kind and loving and never blamed that child for something they couldn't control, being born. It takes YEARS to get there. Not all woman can do this, and most don't. But, this did not happen to you. This is not your story, he did not cheat on you. This happen years before he even met you. Do you give him your back now because shit just got real? You only want your husband with no DRAMA? Good luck cause life is full of drama and what we do now and our true colors will forever show. Maybe support and unconditional love will make him an even better man and having an amazing woman by his side will enforce your marriage even more. You don't leave someone cause things got complicated. You need to ask yourself these questions.

Reality is No one will judge you if you leave him. Most will support you if you did. You have the right to be happy and if you don't want that drama you don't have to accept that, but if you stay with him, do the right thing, maybe you might be surprised maybe not. But love is not perfect.

My very best to you both.