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Hard to deal with "step daughter"

Littlelion@1's picture

My SO& I have been together 3 years. He has 1 daughter from a previous relationship. BM is a mess,pure drama, In and out if rehab, from man to man, and SO has primary custody. He didn't tell his daughter he was in a relationship for at least a yr and continued to keep contact between the two of us at a minimal until the last yr maybe. We've all started doing more things together because I finally told him I thought we needed time together to bond. I wouldn't say we've bonded much. She's an only child who's very soiled, very much entitled, &is generally disrespectful to her dad&grand parents. She just had a birthday&had to be told twice to say thank you for the gifts and she complained there was no money in the card. When she's acting disrespectful or saying disrespectful things to her dad, I don't correct or discipline her, I let her dad do that, which is only half the time.I could go on&on about her rude behavior. If she see's her dad showing me affection or attention she stops that fast. I've tried inviting her to go places& doing things with me but she always says I don't know. I just don't know how to integrate myself into their lives. Also, when my SO&I talked about marriage,he says when SD gets older(she's 10)&he doesn't want to RUIN HER LIFE. Not sure if I'm fighting a losing battle&I've made it clear I'm not waiting until SD has graduated HS bf getting married. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Well - at least your eyes are open and you are questioning him as a parent BEFORE you are married, which is not always the case on here.  Some seem to go in with rose-colored glasses and then they are stuck.

He's telling you pretty clearly what kind of parent he is - overindulgent, coddling, permissive, and overly focused on his child.  I have a stepson, but it seems from my reading here, that these spoiled girls only get more rotten and harder to deal with as they get older and smarter and meaner.

I'd rethink whether this is the guy for you - if you want to move forward with more commitment.

Chmmy's picture

She's 10! I thought you were describing a 16 yr old. Ya it only gets worse and they become more and more entitled. If dad tries to discipline her now, it will be your fault that she no longer gets everything she wants from dadddeeee

MurphysLaw's picture

Sorry for your heartache.

This man is telling you STRAIGHT UP & FORWARD You are not a priority in is life, he in fact BELIEVES marrying you will RUIN HIS DAUGHTERS LIFE! 

Wow! The guy cannot make himself ANY CLEARER TO YOU.

This is NOT the man for you, I’m sorry.

AND his daughters bad manners & poor personality WILL ONLY GET WORSE! 

Girl you AINT SEEN NOTHING YET!

Please consider YOUR FUTURE & YOUR HAPPINESS, you’ll find little with this man.

Take care 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

RUN!

Letti.R's picture

^ ^ ^ This advice is wrong.

It should be:  RUN.
BLOODY FAST!
RIGHT NOW!

(I do not normally throw out the RUN advice, but slightly modified, SayNoSkidsChitChat is spot on to me.)

Too much drama going on here and it is not even on telly!

Just J's picture

I have to agree with the others that this is not the man for you. Or any woman really. It will ruin his daughter's life if he marries you? That would have been enough for me to walk out the door! My SD was 8 when I met my dh and that thought never, ever crossed his mind! His kids actually couldn't wait to meet me because they - shocker! - actually WANTED their dad to be happy! They watched their mom parade a line of men through her revolving door and asked their dad when he was going to find someone. He'd dated a few women after his ex but never introduced them because it was never serious, but when he knew it was with me, I met them. I'd never have stayed hidden for a year! I understand not meeting the stepkids immediately, but a year? Wow. 

You are finding out (luckily!) before you marry this guy that he is a crap parent and will not put you first. He already has his little mini wife, and like the others have said, it will only get worse. Please, please think long and hard about this guy. Read up about mini wives on this site and please realize things will not change. Don't marry him thinking it will get better because it won't. 

ndc's picture

As soon as I heard that he couldn't marry me until his daughter got older because it would ruin her life, I would have been done.  A good partner would put you first.  My SO's kids are excited about our upcoming marriage, and SO has been crystal clear that our relationship is his priority.  I would not be moving forward if both weren't the case.  A relationship with this man (and therefore his daughter) sounds like a recipe for distaster.

STaround's picture

No matter who is right or wrong, it is not working. 

SecondNoMore's picture

Please figure out why you would even consider staying with someone who doesn't value you. And FYI.... Kids who are raised like this child often don't make very responsible adults because they are not equipped to navigate the real world, so you will play second fiddle to this kid far beyond the 18th birthday... probably for the rest of your life. Be grateful he's so honest about how little he's willing to give you and move on.

notasm3's picture

When a man puts off marrying you because it might upset someone else - he DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU.

I went thru this with a man whose parents were from the "old country" - Eastern Europe.  They refused to even meet me although they only lived 2 miles away.  My grandfather was BORN in the same country - but I was still not acceptable.  After 4 wasted years I threw in the towel.  He proceeded to find a new girlfriend who he strung along until his father died in his NINETIES.

The daughter (hopefully) is not going to die and go away like an elderly parent.  Cut your losses and move on.

 

shamds's picture

disrespectful and no doubt takes no responsibility for anything. When she grows up she will become WORSE, she will be overly spoilt and entitled and her dad who put her spoiling and entitled behaviour over a relationship with a woman he is supposedly has feeling and love for, will grow old and lonely to the same daughter who abandoned him

putting her above you teaches this girl she doesn’t have to deal with the real world, that its tough and no one is going to be overly concerned about upsetting her over entitled bratty feelings. 

But if her dad chose to marry you, even if she chucked a hissy fit, he’s told and shown her that the world does not revolve around her, that his feelings matter too, that life is tough, things happen that we don’t like but we learn to deal with it.

if the same dad told the daughter her not wanting daddy to remarry, well what if daddy told her he didn’t like her boyfriend who proposed to her and she needs to end it, would she do the same??

pretty sure of course not but there is no reasoning with people like this

in my case hubby had been divorced 4.5 yrs (ex wife remarried days after the divorce), kidnapped the 2 daughters and cut off all contact. That was tough for hubby because she was narcissistic, high conflict golden uterus syndrome vindictive biatch... 

she and the girls though hubbys goid nature would mean he’d be in limbo forever waiting their return (manipulative and guilt tactics), typical with them.

except hubby met me, someone he’d never come across before, who made him see a future, that there are good trustworthy people to settle down with, he fell in love hard and quick because he didn’t want to lose me. Well we’ve been married 3.5 yrs before suddenly eldest daughter aged 22 contacts him telling him mum lied, but get over it and move on, she’s a changed person and we want to be a family, then does a 360 and tells hubby we can’t be a family because mum said you did black magic voodoo crap against us despite then admitting their mums sister and husband illegally entered their home laying dead cats, candles and weird shit!!

they tried to guilt hubby, make him feel bad for meeting someone, marrying her and having 2 kids with her. For hubby he has stated that me and our 2 kids along with 3 skids from exwife are his family, its their choice to not be nice and civil to me but they are only sabotaging their future because hubby is entrusting a major portion of his estate to me to manage should he die because ultimately he does not trust his 3 eldest kids becaus they are brainwashed and controlled by the exwife, he has to nip that somehow. 

They do the fake nice but hubby wasn’t buying it 1 bit

this man is not for you, because he is sabotaging his life and future for an ungrateful selfish daughter who will grow up controlling him and his life 

CANYOUHELP's picture

He is never going to want to get married, it will always ruin his princess' life....she has made up her mind you are the family intruder...never to be family, she will make certain of that....daddeee is playing right in her hands and, you need a decent man, not this one. 

You will be much happier moving on from this sickly enmeshment, he even admits to you.

Curious Georgetta's picture

a  companion. He is not auditioning a wife. He is honest and straight forward.

If you want a partner who is seeking a wife, this is not the man for you.

Appreciate his honesty, and be honest with your self about what you want.It

If you need to be a wife, leave and find a partner who shares your goals and expectations

 

 

 

 

mro's picture

He should have been clear at the onset. I get seeing it his way, I didn't want to bring another SO into my minor kid's life.  So I didn't date.  If I had, it would have been casual only.  I don't agree with his choice of words, and now his situation has become a self fulfilling prophesy: he introduces the GF to his kid, she starts bonding, or tries to, but his actions cause her to leave.

hereiam's picture

He should have told you when you first started dating that he was more interested in being a father than being a committed partner.

It's fine that his priority is his daughter but he should have made that clear up front, so that you could have made an informed decision about how much time to waste, or not.

That's why, in my opinion, the waiting a year to meet her and then rarely being around her the next year, was a mistake. You could have learned all of this a long time ago. I mean, he didn't even TELL her that he was dating for an entire year? And really, him marrying someone and being happy is going to ruin his daughter's life? That's a little much, and a clear red flag.

The daughter may be hard to deal with, but he is certainly no prize, and is, in fact, the cause of her entitlement.

Littlelion@1's picture

He did tell me from day one that he was a devoted dad bcuz her mom isn't around. He wanted to be sure it was serious between us bf introducing us. I'm not sure if it ACTUALLY came from him or his daughter that marrying me would ruin her life. Either way, its a point of contention. I've made it very clear there's a time frame for getting married..if he doesn't then I will walk. He over compensates too much for her absent mom. I plan on having a very clear convo with him about this very soon..and he knows it. 

tog redux's picture

I think you should consider whether you want to marry him at all. Her behavior will likely get worse when you do, and spoiled kids don't just launch at 18 and disappear, read on here for many stories about adult stepchildren continuing to make the SM's life unbearable.

He's not a prize to be won - think twice about this one. No matter how much you might care for him, his daughter will be a HUGE stressor for you.

Littlelion@1's picture

Most definitely true!! Some days she's receptive to me&other days she doesn't say a word to me. I mentioned on here that I recently bought her a Valentines/birthday gift bc she was born on Feb 14th. She looked at my gifts&walked off. Had to be told twice by her grand mother to thank me. Then she saw the card I bought&got upset there was no cash in it. Wasnt it enough I thought&cared enough to go out of my way to buy those gifts?? Its all mixed messages. Thanks for the advice though!! 

Littlelion@1's picture

Thanks for the advice everyone! Definitely needed to hear some of it even though I've known. Its tough when you really love someone but has a child that doesn't like you&has mommy issues..not to mention lack of manners. 

SteppedOut's picture

Sometimes love is not enough. There is a lot more to a marriage. Is it important, of course. But just because you are in love does not necessarily mean you should be in a relationship or married.

Littlelion@1's picture

True! Its a hard pill to swallow that youve probably wasted 3 yrs on someone who bases his life decisions about his own happiness on a 10 yr old's logic. Will it ruin her life if we married? No but thats her excuse&knows her dad already feels bad that her mom has been in&out of her life for many years. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Man has been  your lover, companion, and friend.  You have learned this about  him in the process that have given you pause to think. That is a good thing. It slows you to make an informed decision.

This man may himself have no real need or desire to be married. Not every man who is seeking a partner is looking for a wife. You were seeking a partner to become a husband. This just be a situation with different goals - not bad people  just different needs and goals.

Do you really want to be   married to a man that you have to coerce and to whom you have to give ultimatums? That is not exactly an auspicious beginning to a happy marriage.

It seems that the 2_of you disagree on many important issues. Maybe this is an indication that you are not as compatible as you should be.

Good luck. It is never good to settle just to be married. The things that bother you now will only magnify once you are married.