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Why I face problems head on rather than ignore them. No matter how much you ignore an elephant in your life, its crap still sti

LilyBelle's picture

I am a "grab the bull by the horns" kind of person. Have been as long as I remember. For people who are more passive in their problem solving approach, I can be difficult to understand. I saw a blog today about marriage, but in my opinion, it applies to almost any situation in life. I thought of so many here on ST that want to address issues head on and are married to people who want to ignore them.

"If there is a problem in our marriage, let’s face it head on.The problem is not the fault of our parents, the government, the education system, or any other external force you can muster up. Denial and wishful thinking will not get the issues and problems corrected. Failure to confront the issues leads us down a path toward destruction of the marriage, the family, and can create emotional scarring from which an individual may never recover.

We lie to ourselves to avoid pain. The reality is the pain of not facing and handling the truth is greater than the pain of facing it. We probably understand that but we lie to ourselves because we allow our emotions to override our intellect. Next time we’re confronted with a problem in our marriages, let’s face it straight away; force ourselves to get to the root of the problem, stop talking about it and take action. By doing so, we’ll be able to continue toward that great future we promised our spouse when we stood at the altar with them."

In my opinion, avoiding conflict is never the best way to approach a problem. Avoidance only leads to further pain, further misunderstanding, or at best prolonging the discomfort by taking longer to come to a solution of an issue. Conflict is not a bad thing. Conflict is when people who care about each other or a situation have differing points of view. Avoiding conflict means not communicating, being self centered, not hearing or understanding the other person's point of view, not coming up with a positive solution, continuing to suffer with a problem rather than solving it. Working through conflict means communicating, being positive and solution focused, being "us" centered and hearing the other person's point of view, solving a problem, dealing with a situation, and usually results in strengthening bonds between people.

I have never known of a problem or situation that went away on it's own, without some kind of intervention or guidance. And sometimes, a little problem, like a baby alligator, can grow into a big problem if ignored.

Most people I know who avoid conflict do so out of fear. They fear hurting the other person. They fear losing a relationship. They fear rejection. They fear being wrong. So they ignore the problem, pretend it doesn't exist, hope it will just go away. I am reminded that the scriptures are full of the words "fear not."

Some people are much better at ignoring issues than me. I'm simply not good at ignoring a big pink elephant walking around in my life. I take the elephant by the tusk and move it where it belongs.

For the people who are able to happily ignore whatever pink elephant happens to be in their life, that is wonderful! I wouldn't presume to tell them that their method of solving problems is not right for them. And I truly appreciate the people who don't judge me because I choose to confront problems rather than ignore them.

I do know this: Once I get the elephant out of my life, I am not walking around in or smelling elephant crap. No matter how much you ignore an elephant in your life, the crap still stinks.

Comments

3familiesIn1's picture

You are right, but that doesn't help me figure out how to find the shovel to dig myself out.

I am trying to find my strength to stand up to DH about his kids - but the guilt kills me.

I have only mild skid issues compared to many on here. But my main issue today is watching DH and BMs kids for them way too long and way too often. I feel DH has taken complete advantage of me as has BM - and I am building resentment.

I feel too much guilt to address it directly with DH. i am guilty because I have no reason other than I DON'T WANT TO watch them.

That is my only reason.
I am home, my bios are here, the skids and bios get along like real siblings. When the skids are here I feel out of place in my own home, I dont' feel quite as bad when DH is here, the feeling is stronger when the skids are here without him and so very simply, I just feel stressed and I don't want them here when he is not.

No matter how I slice it - it makes me feel guilty that for no reason I just don't want to watch the skids for DH and BM. I feel that the skids have just as much right to be in their home as do my bios as do I. So I am guilty when I think about telling DH that his kids can't be in their home unless he is here too.

LilyBelle's picture

3 in one..... hugs to you!

Please try not to feel guilty about how you feel.

And realize that you're not wanting to keep the skids out of their home.... you are feeling that you are being taken advantage of. Maybe what you really want is not for the kids to be gone, but for their parents to be providing their care. Nothing wrong with wanting that.

How old are the kids?

3familiesIn1's picture

That is exactly what I want. I take care of my kids, when I can't, I make arrangements with XH first and alternate care second - I don't dump on DH. I don't mean running to the store, I mean this 3-4 days a week afterschool til dinner for the last year (which I am trying to resolve but its taking time)

My bios are 12, and 7. The skids are 12 and 6. SS6 acts as if I don't exist - which I am disengaged from his as well - but I am civil and provide basic care, obviously I feed him and such, he is 6 - so I am disengaged as much as you can be to a 6 year old.

By being disengaged, I am not accountable for the skids. I just want BM and DH to be responsible for the children they brought into the world, not me. I am responsible, I have no authority and I am not accountable - but I don't want the responsibility. I have my own 2 bios to be all of the above for.

It seems like its too much to ask BM and DH to care for their own kids these days.

EDIT:
You know the stupidest thing of all LB? I am not really a weak person, in fact, I run teams overseas and teams of directors, I manage complex stressful projects with ease, I make decisions and that includes pissing off some high end powerful people - this doesn't bother me in the least. But to make DH sad breaks my heart and I struggle.

LilyBelle's picture

If the issue was resolved, I wouldnt bother bringing it up!!!!!

Exactly. Last time SO said something about me bringing it up I said "I didn't bring it up, it happened again because it hasn't been solved."