Disrespect. It never ends.
In the three years since I first started coming to this message board, a lot of good things have happened.
Last year DH got custody of SS, who just recently turned 18. We did a lot for him this past year and his life has really turned around. He went from having nothing, due to BM using all the child support for herself, to having nice things which include a car that DH bought him. He was mistreated by his mother. He has been treated very well in our house.
He lost a lot of weight, made new friends. He has a close relationship with DH. He says his self esteem has improved considerably.
One thing has not changed at all. SS18 still does not respect me. Even though I have done as much as DH has done to take care of him and help make positive changes in his life.
Recently I stepped back from my friendliness toward him and just observed him. I pointed things out to DH who cannot help but notice now too. Why didn't DH notice until it was obvious? Until after I have spent years doing everything I could to be good to his son? Why was I always considered part of the problem no matter how much I tried?
SS18 does not so much as acknowledge me when he walks into a room. He doesn't make eye contact with me or engage in any conversation when we go out to dinner. He still glares at me, just like he did when he was 12.
If I buy him something or make him dinner, he refuses to accept it. I feel as though it is to demonstrate his complete rejection of me.
Why did I keep thinking these things would get better?
At least, because I have been so head strong, he no longer says rude things to me or leaves a mess all over my house. At least there is progress in that regard. I thank steptalk folks for helping me with that.
What do you do after years have gone by and you have truly had enough?
I don't care to make the effort at conversation with him anymore. I don't want to attend his graduation or buy him a graduation gift. I don't want to go out to dinner with him and DH anymore, not even for this upcoming father's day. I don't care to buy him Birthday or Christmas gifts anymore. None of it would be coming from my heart. I would only be doing it out of a sense of obligation.
I am tired of putting DH's needs and feelings ahead of my own. The only reason I keep trying is that it's the right thing to do. For DH and his son. I am starting to feel that the 'right thing to do' is at the expense of my own self esteem. I never want to be spiteful. But I am feeling more and more angry and hurt by the continued disrespect.
I would like to know what others have done in this situation.
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Comments
Does your DH see these
Does your DH see these things?
My DSO doesn't communicate much but he did finally acknowledge that I knocked myself out for the skids and they shit on me TBH. I announced to him at Christmas that this was the last time I put thought and effort into the skids. They didn't appreciate the things or me for doing thoughtful things for them.
At least he is 18 so you can back off. It is harder when the skids are little and really need adult supervision and help.
No one needs to knock themselves out for rejection. I'm lucky in that DSO finally recognized the way they crap all over me and doesn't give me a hard time.
DH is seeing it more and
DH is seeing it more and more. He has tried to talk to his son about it. DH says he has no idea why his son behaves toward me the way that he does. DH gets upset about it but nothing ever changes.
I am glad SS is 18 now and really doesn't need anything from me anymore. But he still lives with us. I haven't told DH or anyone else but I hate SS18 being here. I hate being around him. I hate being treated like a nobody in my own home. The glaring, not even so much as saying hello to me while he hugs DH and talks to him like I am not even in the room. They carry on as though I don't exist.
I care very much about DH's relationship with his son. I would not want to do anything to damage it. But I don't want to be around SS18 at all anymore.
I keep thinking it would be wrong not to go to graduation and to just avoid my stepson from now on. But how have things been 'right' in any way?
I had a long cry over this.
I had a long cry over this. By myself. Not feel-sorry-for-myself tears. I truly hurt over the way I have been treated by my step-son.
I told DH this evening that enough is enough. I am not doing this anymore. I told him that I refuse to go to dinners, etc. I refuse to keep making the effort to be kind, friendly or thoughtful - which is always in spite of the cold treatment I receive in return. I also told DH that at birthdays and holidays I will no longer give my stepson money - money is the only thing he will accept from me. My daughter is grown and no longer lives with us and usually DH and I each contribute for each other's kids at holidays, etc. I said that from now on I will not give anything to SS18 and I do not wish for DH to give anything to DD any longer.
Well, to my surprise, DH went straight to SS18 and there was an hour+ long discussion. I heard DH tell SS18 that the way he treats me is hurtful and that DH feels hurt when I feel hurt. He told him that his behavior will not be tolerated. That a simple "hello" when he walks into the room is not too much to ask and he expects him to do it. There was quite a bit more that DH said and I am quite shocked actually.
I do not expect thanks for every little last thing I do or that we will be one big happy family. But DH did discuss with SS18 at length all the things I have done for him and ask him why he would be so unkind to me.
DH told me SS18 feels that I get on his nerves. And he just doesn't feel like talking. Those are his "reasons" for mistreating me. So... I am basically like a piece of dirt on his shoe that annoys him.
I have always been fearful that if pressured to treat me well, SS18 would leave. I have feared that DH would lose his relationship with his son. It is sad that. I have been willing to accept this.
I will not accept it anymore. I had a strong feeling that now that SS18 is an adult, we are at a whole new level with this disrespectful behavior. I knew that if things can't change now, they will only get worse.
We shall see what happens.
You guys are awesome. Thank you.