You are here

In Shock Disneyland Dad

Lillywy00's picture

So I get a call from the dudes brother (he was the majority owner of the house) and I told him while I deeply care for his brother, I moved out for a multitude of reasons

The dude called up my mom crying and saying how he felt blindsided yet how much he loved me and never tried to hurt me during the relationship (I assume to absolve his guilt around looking like "the bad guy" so me leaving while he was at work could be blamed be all on me...whatever)

He told her that he and his brother selling the house (I guess it's too much work having his kids help cleaning it like he expected me to do after those messy lazy ferals every weekend ... interesting how he's now able to offload the housework to those bumps on logs when it suits him) and because he's too sad and lonely being there anymore and that he would give me a portion of the proceeds and give me the engagement ring to do what I want with it/sell it or whatever. 
 

My mom was like take this money now before he changes his mind or his family talks him out of it.

On one hand I do want compensation for dealing with the quality of my life decreasing every weekend due to his sh*t show Disneyland parenting operation, his beastly ex wife using her kids as tools for remote manipulation, and for him wasting my time/youth promising to be a spouse but actually being incapable 

on the other hand I don't want to accept that money if it has strings attached plus he might need the money more than I do. 
 

Im enjoying my peace sans disrespectful skids and can't wait till next weekend when I can truly experience a quiet weekend of freedom. 

Comments

Lillywy00's picture

We were supposed to sell it a year and a half ago but he got comfortable because it was convenient for him to exchange those kids bc his breeder (when she moved her beastly tail back in town) moved like 7 minutes away from us. 
 

And when he does school drop off/pick ups (during her parenting times because Disneyland parents overcompensate for their lazy breeders) it's just a few minutes away

The house was supposed to be sold a while ago (another reason for me leaving without him) and I was tired of living in that area of town (high crime) and was not waiting for him to cut the umbilical cord from his failed prior family. 
 

A lot of times he talks with no action but his brother is ready to sell and get the money out to reinvest. 

dragonfly878's picture

F***k that. Sounds like a desperate attempt to get back in front of you (or if in a private setting potentially do harm). IMO no amount of money is worth your peace (and safety). I'd let it go. He's trying to stay relevant. Nope.

la_dulce_vida's picture

You said you do pretty well financially, so don't take the money or the ring. They are things he will use to manipulate you. It's a trap. My XH2 did this but not because he gave a shit about me. He cared most about managing his image and being able to tell others that "he did right by me" and I left him.

Lillywy00's picture

Yeah that's what I was thinking. Taking the money might be a way for him to try to entice me to get back with him and/or make himself look like the "good guy" 

For some reason he seems to think I left him because of financial reasons. 
 

While I wished he made more money (and pressed him to get a higher paying job ... which he FINALLY did) it was the overly kid-centric lifestyle/kids as mini spouses/I wasn't feeling like an equal partner (then his 2-3 times a week sex quota) that ruined it. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Lilly, he knows FULL WELL why you left. He's avoiding the REAL issue by making you look like someone who left him because all you care about is money.

He's playing dumb. He knows what he did. He knows what you SAID. He knows the boundaries you tried to set. He knows.

StepUltimate's picture

My exH also did this: claiming to any and all that I divorced him over a car... conveinlently ignoring his rage-outs, betrayals, gaslighting, financial insanity. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree. The money and ring could be used to keep you tied to him. Best to make a clean break. His baggage just made life with him miserable. It is what it is. Lesson learned, move on. He could be the greatest guy in the world but if living with him sucks, it's a deal-breaker. 

SMto3's picture

Maybe make a clean break of it. You're okay without this money, it'll speak volumes if you decline his monetary offer. 

Rags's picture

You are placating, and making excuses for this moron.  This pathetic POS .... CALLED YOUR MOTHER!! for F-sake.

Do not give a shit about his financial needs or if he "needs the money" more than you.  There are no strings, It is over, take the money, and stay your course to your new adventure.

Block him. And make damned sure this POS never contacts your mother again.

How can you possibly give a shit about this dumbass? He is beyond pathetic and has zero discernable redeeming qualities. Not one thing ever mentioned about him is remotely positive. He is violent, he is a sex addict who manipulates to get his needs fulfilled, he takes money from you to give to his spawn and his X, he is a shit man, a shit parent, a shit partner, and he is now targeting and manipulating YOUR MOTHER!!!

He is also not incapable of being a spouse. He chooses not to be a spouse and instead chooses to be a user. He is an entirely self serving, manipulative, pathetic POS. He chooses to not man up because he is a user.  He has marked you as his territory. You left.  Now you have to destroy him and make sure he does not harm you, your DD, or your mother.  Feelings have no place in this. Stop letting your feelings get in the way of reality.

If denying him funds facilitates that destruction, take the money.  I would also advise a RO or PO against him. He is a sleeze ball and you have already feared violence, etc... from him as you were building your escape.

Recognize him for what he is, that you developed feelings for him is irrelevant. He... is a complete and total POS. Do not give him one  fiber of a get out of jail free card for any reason.  He is not worthy and he is an asshole.

HE CALLED YOUR MOTHER!!!!! Re-read that over and over again for as long as it takes to sink in.

Take care of you.

AgedOut's picture

I'm w/ Rags. The thing that jumped out to me was He CALLED YOUR MOTHER. That right there isn't a new red flag it's a damn building sized banner. 

Lillywy00's picture

Yeah when we first got engaged and moved in together my mother generously furnished home goods such as dvd players, cookware (that he used weekly for his kids meals), taught his daughter how to tie her shoes, bought groceries ans cooked meals for him when she was in town

Then when she left out of town she told him he needed to move his family to a safer area and he got offended (guess it challenged his manhood but hell that was the truth and imo he needed to hear that). When her birthday rolled around I told him to at least text her. He "forgot" 

Now all of a sudden he remembers her number and how to call her. 

grannyd's picture

Lilly, like the song says, ‘I’d Rather Be a Hammer Than a Nail’ and it’s tough to be the one who’s left rather than the one who leaves, particular when the abandoned one is a male. It’s humiliating. Instead of admitting that he failed as a partner, the dude prefers to portray himself as the wronged party whose evil woman ran off with no advance warning.

Chump Lady, an expert in the field of relationships, refers to this behaviour as ‘image management’, performed by a guilty S.O. in order to save face after having behaved badly. His willingness to return the ring and share the proceeds from the sale of the house you shared does not spring from genuine altruism. The guy’s a cheapskate; let’s recall the fact that he stole money from you to give to his daughter then failed to repay you as well as having you cover more than your share of the bills. 

The dude is hardly able to paint you as a money-grubber when you left the ring and, even more so, if you decline profits from the sale of the house. I agree, completely, with Rumple and SMto3; best to make a clean break.

I made the mistake of trying to be kind by accepting phone calls from my uncompromising, bullying second husband, after I bailed, and was rewarded by having him hammering on my apartment door in the small hours, refusing to leave until I threatened to phone the police. I wish that I’d been aware of Rags’ 3-day rule back then! It’s always best to make that clean break and it appears that it will have to apply to the dude’s brother and other relatives as well.

Hang in there, Hon, you’re doing great! ♥️

la_dulce_vida's picture

I'm with the "clean break" philosophy. My XH2 and I bought a house together after 5 months of dating. I now know that's a narcissist's game - get the victim LOCKED IN so it's harder to leave. After 4.5 years together and barely two married, we split and sold the house.

He was terrible with money. Couldn't spend it fast enough to buy the love of his 4 sons. He literally would pay down a credit card balance just to spend the credit he'd just paid off. He also took out a HELOC (Home Equity Line of Credit) for $10,000 in his own name (his debt) but I had to sign off to allow him to do so. When we sold the house, he had to pay that $10,000 off and the closing company said it would come off the top and they'd cut a check (one check) for the profit on the house. I didn't trust him, so I said to cut two checks but they would only cut two EVEN checks, not subtracting the $10,000 from his share. That meant my check was less $5000 of HIS debt. He swore he'd reimburse me. He never did.

All in all, I was out about $15,000 in losses on the sale of our home vs. what I put into it. But being free of him is 100% worth losing $15,000.

 

Rags's picture

I ahd a somewhat similar experience during my divorce. It was over the lawyer bill. We started and ended with a single lawyer uncontested divorce.  I do not recall the details but following the divorce she met with our lawyer first and got money that was in escrow with the lawyer.  I went in the next day. My "half" was less the attorney's fees so I got screwed out of a few $thousand. The lawyer did not take half of the fees from her distribution and took it all out of mine.

It was cheap at twice the price to be rid of her.  Though I should have nailed the attorney for it.

Lillywy00's picture

Instead of admitting that he failed as a partner, the dude prefers to portray himself as the wronged party whose evil woman ran off with no advance warning.
 

Yeah this is what it seems to me

 

Elea's picture

Give him a PO BOX to send the money and ring to and run! Lol You DO deserve compensation for time served. 

You're not about the money, HE IS PROJECTING. He is about the money. But, you still deserve the money, take it. IMHO 
 

thinkthrice's picture

LOL!!!!

There's a song that Chef luuurves by George Jones called "The Grand Tour" about a guy who is "blindsided" by his woman "running off."   I'm NOT  a country music fan although I like bluegrass but the lyrics are all self pity bc the little woman bolted.

When I hear it I think "I wonder what HER side of the story is?"

Yep this is a blatant attempt at manipulation.   Oh it's EASY to "see the error of their ways" (yeah right) after all their mistreatment when we no longer put up with it. 

I personally can think of HUNDREDS of events that Chef was absolutely rotten to me over the past almost 19.3 yrs after initially professing his undying luuurve for me to reel me in (bait and switch).  Any SANE woman would have bolted decades ago but this is MY house and I will stand my ground. 

Block the bugger and his relatives!  Say to yourself ENOUGH!!  Tell your mom to block them too!  You have no mutual blood relatives-- you didn't breed with him (thank goodness!)

ESMOD's picture

If you were truly a legal co owner of the home.. and put significant funds into it for renovations.. take your legal share.  If not... thank the brother for the offer.. but no thanks.. 

And I say this because when women break up/divorce.. sometimes "we" just give too much away.. because we just want out.  And not to minimize the "safety" issue of it. but if you would truly be entitled to some amount of the house proceeds?  then you should take it.. and it can be done in a way that you aren't fully entwined with them.

The ring? THAT I would stop.

If you don't feel you really are due proceeds from the house.. you should also recognize this may also be an attempt to keep lines of communication open.. not for a nefarious purpose necessarily.. but because he doesn't want you to walk away.  Flattering... but if he really felt that way.. he should have done more previously right?  too little too late comes to mind.

 

Lillywy00's picture

Yeah I talked to the therapist today and she said since I didn't put any money into the house for renovations (and of course since I wasn't married) then I wouldn't need to take profits with them. 
 

Flattering... but if he really felt that way.. he should have done more previously right?  too little too late comes to mind.

Exactly

Yesterdays's picture

I would send a clear message to him that you do not want to be contacted through any means moving forward, including through other people. After you send the message then you and your mom block him. Dont give him a chance to respond.. It's what stalkers do.. It they can't contact you through one means they try another.. If he continues after that I would contact the police for a restraining order 

 

AgedOut's picture

Dear Ex,

I find it very worrisome that you chose to contact my mother and am telling you that doing so will in no way change what has occured between us. I prefer you stop trying to contact my friends and family and that ask your family to not contact me and mine again. As for finances and the ring you gave me, I am not interested in either and am telling you to cease your manipulations.

 

Thank you.

woman who dumped you.

 

ps: if you weren't a fit for me then, you will never be one now or in the future. 

Yesterdays's picture

Due to the nature of the dude I would not entertain the house offer... He's doing it as a creepy way of keeping in touch with you 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Call the waaaaaaahm-bulance! Now he's manipulating your mother. Tell her to block your ex and all of his family members. Tell your mother WHY YOU LEFT. 

Lilly, you don't need the money and you certainly don't need this little song and dance. I think he's doing this to keep a connection with you and get you back under his thumb. Lace up your b!tch boots and tell dud and dud's brother to stop calling and leave you in peace. Send it in writing. Better yet, have a lawyer send it, stating that further communication will be considered harassment and Restraining Orders will be filed.

Cut them off.

wolflady's picture

Cut them off.

​​​​​​Is that a double entendre? Biggrin

Harry's picture

You much sigh paperwork at the closing.  So I wouid figure out what % of the home I own. And take that  % of profit .   It's your money. Don't let him take..do that to you.   Of course he going to look good to him mother.  Just get him out of your mind 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

The guy is trying to hoover you back into his life using money.  He knows it works on his ex and skids so why not give it a try on you.  Block him on your phone and your mom's phone and move on.