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Well, I am Going to be in Sh*t Tonight

lillfiredog's picture

I have been going insane thinking about the SS's moving back to our place, which will likely be this weekend if they didn't end up doing as their BM told them to all week. I have not been able to muster up the courage to talk to my DH about it, he gets so f*&king defensive I just feel sick thinking about talking to him.
So I texted him, this morning. Here's what I said. (( I know, I am a coward.... but you know what? I am literally losing my mind thinking about those two returning to our house.))
"you know we are going to have to discuss the rules aroudn the boys living at our house. I ma not bitching or giving you a hard time, so don't defensive. But they both need to be paying rent, going to college full time or they cannot live at our house for free. They are adults and they need to contribute. I know you don't like it when I text you, but we can talk about it tonight too.
I am not going to fighting with you constatnly about them anymore, the last year and half was very hard on our marriage. We fought all the time. They will have to be forced to follow the rules, pay their share and be courteous, or its just not going to work. I am sure you know what I mean.
I would do the same with my kids. Don't think I am being a bitch or anything, but when you work all day, it doesn't seem right to talk to you about stuff that makes me stressed. I just really need you to understand where I am coming from. Yes, you have been with my kids all their lives, but my kids had to follow rules, I won't tolerate rooms that stink they are so dirty, or the laziness with picking up after themselves and most definately not drug use in our home.. I am not mad, just try to get conversation started."
Ugh, it's gonna be ugly at my house tonight I am sure.


DaizyDuke's picture

Hooray for BM for having the balls that your DH doesn't. I know that BM's recent growth of balls sucks for you but this is what these boys.. no ADULTS need! A freaking wake up call, not another enabler.

Geesh.. good luck tonight! Sad

lillfiredog's picture

BM is just as much as an enabler, she suspects he is a drug dealer!!! That's were he gets the $. F M L
When you ask him where he gets his money to smoke pot, he says he has friends.
And hey, get this, she is a social worker/counsellor..... !!!

Willow2010's picture

Dear DH: These are the rules that I want to discuss with you and hope you agree to.

For any person over the age of 18, to live in our house, they have to go to college full time and work part time. (If they do this, I would not charge them to live there.)

No food in rooms. (If they follow that rule, then just close their door.)

They will keep common areas free of clutter. (If not, DH takes care of it. He either gets them to clean it or he cleans it.)

Once a month each kid will dust, sweep, mop and vacuum common areas. Once a month each kid will spotlessly clean a bathroom.

No overnight guest. No guest in house, during the day, unless you and DH are made aware before hand.

No drugs. (First time offense and they are out of the house.)

There will be a curfew. If DH balks at a curfew then tell him that the kids need to stay gone all night if they are not home by 1:00AM. (You always want/need, to know when someone is in your house at night.)

Merry's picture

I feel badly for you that you can't speak to your own husband about something that bothers you so much. That is not healthy. Is he like this about everything, or just his kids?

lillfiredog's picture

He is a little difficult to communicate with. When I talk to him about money, let's say, he will just say "you got it under control" in other words, don't tell me. Every time I talk to him about anything, he calls me dramatic **NOT** or he doesn't respond. It's actually a fu*ked up situation. I take care of all house chores, budgeting, planning, organizing etc. and work FT. Also, I try like hell to have a bit of me time. Ya, right. It only happens because he falls asleep on the couch and I take my dog for a walk or I sit in my room reading. Seriously, when the hell did this happen?
I am a ball-less wonder.

hereiam's picture

Your SSs do not follow BM's rules, what makes your DH think they should be able to move in with you guys?

I am guessing they have lived with you before and pulled the same crap that they are pulling at BM's? So, is that their plan, to just keep going back and forth?

I think you need to stress to your DH that this is going to affect you mentally, not to mention, what it will do to your marriage.

Why is your DH not telling his sons that if they don't straighten up at BM's, they will have no place to live? The only option he should be giving them is to grow the hell up.

lillfiredog's picture

Yes they did, yes they do go back and forth, it almost ended us last spring. He has been texting them asking "when are ya coming home bud" so no, he doesn't give a f*ck that I will be a mental case.

hereiam's picture

Just based on some of the things you have stated, you might be happier on your own.

kathc's picture

^^^^^^^^^^Agreeing with all except the anonymous call to the cops. Tell them who you are and that you're scared. If it's anonymous that skid might take you down with him, claiming you knew (or, worse, they're yours). You need them to know that you are not tolerant of drugs in your home and that you're willing to press any relevant charges.

Merry's picture

It all sounds intolerable to me. If your DH won't discuss this rationally or take your concerns seriously, and the boys do move in and you have the same situation you had last time, what will YOU do to take care of yourself? Can you get your own place and still maintain a marriage? Is counseling an option for both of you, or just you if he won't go? The "boys" are a problem for sure, but you do get that your DH is enabling this terrible behavior and doing them actual harm?

I think the suggested rules Willow posted are very reasonable (and common sense for any adult).