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OT god he's a drama queen

lillfiredog's picture

My DH works long hours, and has to be up at 345 am to get to work in time.... he is 45 years old. My father is 76 years old, gets up at 4am every day to walk his dogs, then works his 10 hours.
My b*tchy moment? EVERYTIME I say I am tired, or I have to get to bed etc, he makes a snarky comment about how he is tired. He gets up early...blah, blah... So I am up at 6am, work my 8 hours, do the running around, make dinner, do laundry, all the household chores. He does none, he is "up at 4am"
I don't want this to become more of an issue, I need to fix this, I am becoming resentful. No, he won't change jobs.
I need advice on how to tell him without being a c u next tuesday that I am also busy and tired, and his FIL is twice his age and does the same hours, my SM doesn't hear him complain every darn day!
**trying really hard not to curse, although I really want to!!


sunshinex's picture

Sounds like for some reason, he's resentful of you. Have you sat down and talked about everything that needs to get done in a day - and how you're splitting up the work? My husband and I both work 9-5 and I used to often do a lot of chores after work around the house. I started feeling resentful until one day, we sat down and talked about it. I realized he didn't even know all of these things were being done. We split them evenly now.

I find men don't realize how much goes into keeping a household running efficiently and maintaining cleanliness. They don't realize that we spend an hour or even more every day just doing little things - a load of laundry here, tidying the kitchen, picking up groceries, whatever it is, it all adds up and we feel like we're doing a lot but they don't even realize they're not contributing. Men are often used to their moms doing all this stuff and they just exist in a nice clean well stocked house lol

Maybe it's worth sitting down and explaining everything that needs to be done? If he works 10 hours and you work 8 hours, maybe he feels he's working harder and getting up earlier because he's not realizing everything else that's happening.

Boymom's picture

I dont think people understand the demands of being a working mom/wife, and also doing all the house work, dinner, errands, etc... My fiance does not say this stuff, and he better never start (lol), but I can understand your frustration. I am divorced and my ex was like that. I was a stay at home mom for two years when my youngest was born. It is hard work and you never truly get a break from it. I would hear that I should not complain because I was home all day while he was working. There was such a lack of respect. I went back to work because it drove me insane. Its not what broke us, but I wish people would understand the demands of working and taking care of a home/children. I am up at 5am everyday - work 8-9 hours and then go home, cook, laundry, run my kids where they need to go and sometimes not getting home until 9PM after a sports game or practice. By Friday I am exhausted! I wonder when this cycle slows down - and I know I will miss it someday so I really don't complain. Its definitely a struggle! Hang in there!

z3girl's picture

Totally this!!

My DH complains CONSTANTLY about having to wake up at 6 am. As if 6 is an insane hour...nothing like the one in the OP! I have rarely spent the entire night in our bed because I know he needs his sleep, so I end up sleeping in our toddler's room when he cries.

He gets home late, but most of his time is spent sitting on the train. He does NOTHING during the week when it comes to the house. We have 3 young children, and he has NEVER gotten up for any of them at night. I asked him once if he could put the boys to bed when I had something scheduled and he refused. He said, "I don't know how to do that". Seriously. He doesn't feed them, read to them, play with them, change them, nothing. He does give them a hug good-night.

So I am fine with handling the errands and housework, and taking care of all 3 kids by myself. The only thing my husband has to take care of is mowing the lawn on weekends because I don't have enough time to keep an eye on the kids while mowing our large yard. I already pay someone to take care of our pool because that was more frustrating to DH than mowing the lawn. I also work from home, and I'm very lucky I work with my brother because I honestly don't deserve the pay I receive for the amount of time I put in! (Hoping this will change a little this year when 2 boys will be in school during the day for the first time.)

A few weeks ago, DH got angry at me and called me lazy. He claims he does all the work around the house which is absurd. I do the best I can without stressing out over the house not being perfect with 3 boys ages 6,5, and 2. I am so tempted to literally not do anything for a week just so he can see how much really does get done, but knowing I will have to clean up even more scares me.

I've only gone into my office (not at home) without my children once since I had them. Those few hours were the most peaceful and efficient in my entire life. To think my DH can work in that kind of environment everyday makes me jealous compared to my limited brainpower with all the interruptions I have trying to work from home.

I know my DH must have other issues going on at the moment because there are other times he says out of the blue that he thinks I'm the best mother to our children and that I do so much for them...not the same as someone who snarls at me that I'm lazy while I'm putting 3 children to bed at night.

Relationships are not easy!

Veritas's picture

Communication is the key're annoyed with his comments so you need to understand his intent.

Instead of comparing different people to prove the equality of the situations, why don't you ask him, when he makes a remark, why he said it. Point blank. He should explain how he views the statement you made and the reasoning behind his.

Encourage him, sincerely, to talk to you...give him the space to explain. Let him know that talking about his concerns is supported but snarky comments will be shut down. That is a boundary YOU set to prevent crap like this from continuing to be pointless and antagonizing pieces of your relationship.

lillfiredog's picture

I will do this, I don't want to be angry at him. We are finally in a really good place in our lives, all the kids are gone, we are now homeowners, things are all falling into place.

Cutter's picture

What time is he going to bed? I wonder if he is getting enough sleep? Next time he complains, tell him to go to bed earlier.

lillfiredog's picture

Yes I have tried, he just gets annoyed. 99% of the time, he falls asleep on the couch. Sad

lillfiredog's picture

Hahaha! yes, I would try that, but I can't stand a mess, I would be the one who ends up cleaning it up!

AJanie's picture

DH is the same. He does more labor intensive work (granted he was out of work for AGES and still found reason to be tired) and I do office work. It is like I am not allowed to be tired or run down because I am not working outside in the elements. I call it his favorite "pissing match" ... who is more tired.

I do everything. Of course, he doesn't see it that way. Yes, he pitches in and cleans... but I do the real cleaning. I am sure you know what I mean. I also remember and keep track of everything -- mental exhaustion, anyone?

So basically they are tired and resent us because they don't get it, and we are tired and resent them because we do get it. Blum 3

thinkthrice's picture

Most men see only the "big picture." If it isn't some huge, miraculous transformation, they don't notice it.

They don't see you picking up the dishcloths, dish towels (or for the UK folks "tea towels") and putting them in the washer on a sanitize cycle, they don't see you tidying as you go along, they don't notice the bed that is made; all the organization that goes into paying all the bills on time, setting appointments, remembering the dates for vehicle inspections, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, making a list of anything we are out of (Chef is really bad at this; he overbuys stuff we already has and never mentions stuff we are out of--the "our groceries" app goes unused on his phone--bah woman's work)

If it were up to Chef, he would just walk out of the house, doors unlocked window blinds open, lights and stereo on, pets unfed. Magic elves do all of that. The other day I noticed he was going on the "why don't we get a maid" routine.

Are you SERIOUS?? He would be TOTALLY insulted if I hired a handyman to do jobs he has no time for.

I'm with veritas. Stop him in his tracks by saying: "That's interesting, tell me more? or "Why do you say that?" Let him flounder around for a bit.

thinkthrice's picture

yep. "our groceries" you can synch up to other phones. the idea is that everyone pitches in and adds an item you are out of. then the person doing the shopping can check it off the list.

I heard about the app from RAGS! Even if the other person doesn't cooperate, you can still use the app yourself. I do.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

My DH and I had a similar conversation a few years ago. I pointed out that while he spends more time at the office, I am completing more tasks and have to multitask more often. He only has one job to do when at work. I have many at the my own job, at home, with the kids, at the grocery store, driving places. He chips in a lot more now either because he understands or because he's tired of me complaining. Either way, he benefits from a much more affectionate wife and way better dinners being served.

lillfiredog's picture

I tend to get cranky, and then he will do things. It's not the right way to deal with it.

lillfiredog's picture

I tend to get cranky, and then he will do things. It's not the right way to deal with it.

moeilijk's picture

I recently went through a rough patch with my health, and my DH took over doing the meal planning and cooking. Just one thing that I do for our family. Granted, it is a major thing, but still, just one. And I had a cycle of almost 30 recipes to choose from, all family favourites, all but 4 take 30 minutes or less....

It's been a month. We've had three different meals from that list of 30 (about 4-5 times each) because meal planning is harder than he realized, so he just makes the same ones. I do about half of the actual cooking as I put the crockpot on in the morning - he takes the 'work' out of it by choosing the meal and leaving out the recipe and ingredients.

I can't complain about DH not doing things to my standards (he's not careful enough about meal planning around sales, and I'd like to have more variety again, lol) because I am happier having that free time for myself than having him do everything MY way. That being said...

I wonder how your DH would adapt if you asked to him to take over something for x amount of time, and left him with instructions for how you do it.

lillfiredog's picture

I hope you are feeling better. I could try this, I don't know what he would be willing to do.

moeilijk's picture

The thing is, if he's not willing to do things that are 'family' chores, then you might have to be willing to stop doing them. You aren't the only one in your family, and resentment builds if all the family responsibility falls on your shoulders.

I know some feel that money balances work, but I don't agree. It's more about time in my home. I'm a SAHM so I have more time in the house to take care of family responsibilities. My DH works full-time and we live off his income - but does that mean he's off the hook in terms of contributing time and effort to his family? Not to me, and, fortunately for our happy marriage, not to him either.