Where do I draw a line re: monetary contributions?
DH and I had a squabble over the weekend while paying bills. He has a CC that he has been paying down slowly over the last three years. His credit was crap, so he was doing this to show a history of making on time payments.
Last time I had looked at it, he was close to having it paid off. I asked him to open up the account to see how much longer he would be paying towards it so I could redo the budget.
There is $1,000 MORE on the CC than should be there.
I turn to DH and we have a chat about it. Some is work-related expenses that he got reimbursed for but spent. The larger chunk, though, was paying for OSS' trip to Disney next year for band.
Now, I went on the usual "I am tired of us paying for EVERY GD THING and the kids not doing anything extra to contribute to their extras". DH made the same points that he has before - BM barely makes enough as it is, has no extra to help, he doesn't want to tell OSS "no" because he earned the privilege to go (which is very true; OSS is an all A student taking college courses and performing in the highest level od band usually reserved for second-semester Juniors and Seniors), he has the money (again, also true), etc.
DH isn't wrong in what he says. We also have separate accounts and separate CCs. The $1,000 doesn't really hurt us; it's affordable. And I benefit greatly from DH's income as he does from mine in that we share household expenses and I make budgets for us.
He isn't going to NOT pay for this trip. He can afford to pay for it. BM effs up the kids enough as it is that it's nice to send them to do these things they earn even though they are eff-all expensive.
So...WHY am I grumpy? WHY do I argue with him? Do I have a right or reason to? At what point am I allowed to say "no, WE have things we need to buy/do, and I'm unwilling to sacrifice anymore"? It's this weird place where none of our needs aren't being met (and not really any of our wants, either), but I don't *like* this.
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Actually - if he's putting
Actually - if he's putting the trip on a CC and then not paying off the balance in full before the end of the billing cycle, then he CAN'T afford that trip. That's what every single financial advisor on earth would tell you.
Maybe that's why you feel upset. Because intuitively you know you're living above your means in order to make up for someone else's poor life choices...lack of a good job...whatever else you want to call it...
We have the money set aside.
We have the money set aside. We could easily pay it off.
It may be more of an issue of him just NOT doing it despite having the cash on hand. It's literally sitting in his checking account. He coukd pay it off now and we'd STILL have thousands left in the bank.
Hmmmm. Yeah. Then my issue
Hmmmm. Yeah. Then my issue would be with having a stated financial goal (paying down the card) and feeling like he was going back on that without telling me.
In the grand scheme of things...maybe not such a big deal this once...but if he makes a pattern of it...
Was he going to tell you
Was he going to tell you about paying for the trip at least? And BM "barely makes enough as it is" with $12,000 in CS a year (aka tax free income) and no extras like school supplies/ clothes and haircuts? That's laughable. Does she still have her job as far as you know? And what does college look like for the boys? Sounds like BM can't contribute, especially when CS ends. If she can barely do it now, what will she do when OSS ages out and she's used to that extra $500/ month?
I knew he had paid the
I knew he had paid the initial payment on it, but the plan was for he and BM to talk about who was going to pay what. Then again, that was when BM was working her higher-paying job and not this new one making way less than before.
College is a combination of the boys getting scholarships/loans and 529 accounts from DH and FIL. Plus, DH's VA disability rating gives the boys free or steeply discounted tuition, so their college is far less worrisome. OSS will graduate with an Associate's Degree worth of credits, so there is little to no worry about that.
When CS stops, BM is screwed. Royally.
That's awesome about
That's awesome about graduating with the associate's degree! What would these kids do without their dad? As far as the trip, I guess he already knew BM would cry poor and he'd be to blame when SS couldn't go. Did he not have the option for fundraisers?
You have a right to be
You have a right to be irritated that he hasn't told you. If he had said that the deposit had to be paid now and he was putting it on his credit card, you wouldn't have been irritated. It's the fact that he did it and didn't say anything that is the irritant.
If he has the money in another account, he needs to put it on the credit card bill now to avoid the extra interest, and then resume his pay down of the card.
The issue is probably not the
The issue is probably not the money itself. It's that there was no discussion. He just decided that it was easier to put it on a credit card and be sneaky about it rather than make a plan with you. That's being a selfish coward.
But is he being a selfish
But is he being a selfish coward IF he is paying for it with his own money and can afford it?
That's what I'm trying to figure out - what part of this situation should I be annoyed at, if I even have the right to be? Again, it's HIS money and HIS CC debt, so why do I feel like I get to say anything? We have separate money for a reason, and this is partly that reason.
I feel like I did the right "second marriage" thing by keeping finances separate to protect myself, yet somehow that solution ALSO causes me grief. Does that make sense?
I don't think you can stop
I don't think you can stop him from doing things like that. DH paid half of the expenses for SD14 to go to a Costa Rica trip with her school mates. There was a cheaper trip to WA DC (both "educational" - right - trips). But SD14 just HAD to go to Costa Rica. DH could not afford it. Put it on credit. Against all my protestations and suggestions. SD14 was to pay for one month of the payments (she had 6 months to get the money, plenty of time to do odd jobs). SD ended up not paying a cent. DH is in more debt. He regrets it now and maybe, just maybe he'll start coming around with his spending issues based on our last discussion the other day about his use of our joint account to cover one of his other credit card payments.
I do not pay anything for SDs unless I want to. I do not front him $ for SDs. I know that my support is indirect via coverage of more groceries and sometimes paying more on a bill. However, DH knows exactly what he owes me and I've always made it clear we have a partnership and I don't support someone who has the ability to do so himself.
I think what's probably
I think what's probably upsettin is just that you were blindsided... It's less that it's super hurting you financially... It's that you didn't know extra expenses were there, he neglected to tell you. Being blindsided can really hurt.
I feel the same with my DSO
I feel the same with my DSO and skids. We are finally out our hole when we got skids full time and DSO had to work part time. While we don't have thousands in the bank, we are fine and can handle an emergency if needed.
My issue is that BM has not contributed barely anything to help in the support of her kids (SD17 is the last minor thankfully). In my case, it just burns my ass when the skids are hitting him up, even BM has hit him to loan her money for car repairs. BM lives off of SSI, IDk how the hell she got it at age 40, lives in subsidizes houseing, subsidizes insurance and food stamps. I feel that DSO and I pay twice when he gives the skids money.
I think you were just surprised!
$1000 is a lot of money to some of us and its a bit shady that he left it there and didn't tell you.(only a bit since you can afford it and there is a papertrail and he can pay it tomorrow id he wanted. also SSearned the trip)
Annoyance is normal however in the sense that you both have worked hard to erass that debt and now he adds to it just as it is paid off( is this a habit if his- going into debt over skids?)
I'd say weigh out what matters more having him not add to the cc or having a papertrail for every penny he spends on them.(I like the papertrail route as going into debt over skids might be a habit harder to change)
It seems like you are more
It seems like you are more aggravated that he didn't tell you; you were left out of the decision making process and your feelings are a little hurt because you thought "y'all" had a plan and he was going to stick to it. It's okay, just recognize the hurt for what it is. You are already half way there by recognizing that it is his money, he has the money and can afford it, and it doesn't take from your income and the kid deserves it. I can also understand the little level of annoyance that you have that the BM has this ongoing excuse of not being able to make ends meet to help out. That is obnoxious. Just know the kid will love your DH for it.