How to approach the "stop enabling her" convo with DH
Thank you to the folks who commented on my last blog. DH and I talked, and while he sees that the current financial situation isn't working for me, he sees making changes as just a way to appease me. He doesn't agree with changing how he approaches BM, and I feel like I'm dealing with Guilty Daddy than DH.
I know work is killing him. He makes really good money that he wouldn't make somewhere else, and they just finished laying off a bunch of people. He hates where he is, but is afraid leaving will hurt us financially. I'm at the point where I don't care because the amount of stress that his job is causing isn't worth the extra cash.
When he feels defeated, which he currently does, is when Guilty Daddy comes out. And Guilty Daddy doesn't think or act logically, which is very unlike DH. I can usually have a good conversation with him when he isn't guilt-ridden, but when he is feeling any sort of overwhelming emotion, he just can't see past how it makes him feel.
I need advice on how to approach him. Before, we were early enough in the relationship that I could have just walked. He pushed himself to do better for me, and for himself. He started setting boundaries with BM and not caving to her BS. Sure, he still had moments, but they were just moments. Now I'm watching him slide right back to where he was.
I don't want to get divorced. I have a lot of steps that I can take between now and then, but I want to try one final talk to see if I can get him out of his fog before I start doing those things. I'm usually good with words, but I'm so frustrated by the BS right now that I just want to verbally lay into him for being a moron. That will get us nowhere.
So, how do I snap DH out of his guilty daddy state that he has lulled himself into? Am I past the point of talking and just need to act? Again, I'm not at a point of divorce, but I am at a point where I don't know what my next step or words should be. I didnt think we'd end up back here., but now that we are, I'm at a loss about what to do.
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I just went thru a tough spot
I just went thru a tough spot with my DH about budgeting. Mine knows that me being in charge of the money is a good thing, but had resorted to calling me cheap and stingy, He has some responsibility with a few bills and has an allowance. He got careless and expected me to cover his stupidity. I called him on it and war insued. I decided that since he was so "capable" of making those decisions, that I would put him totally in charge of the money, as in if he can do it better, then do it. I spent about 3 days just repeating that to him, " ok, if you don't like the way I'm doing it, you can do it, not worth the fighting". Realizing that we have money in the bank because of me, his credit rating is rising because of me, we aren't struggling or that I am going into debt behind his back (like BM did) did sink in and he said he'd make some changes that would change his spending. Most of his problem was from using his gas hogging car to do most of the driving and cooking dinner instead of getting takeout , ( that's where he was bleeding money). We shall see if he cooks more, but he has changed his driving choice.
That's how I handled getting thru to my DH. Not sure if it would work for yours. I have also painted a picture of what it would lead to (life without me) if he continued on path that jepordized our security. Money is a hill to die on for me. I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I hate have mountains of debt hanging over my head. You sound the same.
Good luck with this. Money seems like the biggest issue in blended life.
This is one of the things I
This is one of the things I have in my arsenal to do: give him all the bills and let him figure it out. We help each other financially, but I don't think he realizes just *how* much I help him. Even with him making more than me, I still float him, and the boys, more than he realizes.
I don't mind helping the boys, but DH made a comment this weekend that we make 3 times what BM does. I did set him straight on that one, that MY money is not his to play with when it comes to his kids or ex. That I help because I want to, but to never, ever look at our joint income as something that helps BM.
He feels bad that she has so little and has to do it "on her own". Well, she did it to herself. She has squandered every bit of help she has gotten for momentary satisfaction, and it is biting her in the arse, as it should.
Fully separating our finances and me giving him my portion of bills each month (versus having a joint account and "splitting the difference") may make him realize that he isn't nearly as well-off as he thinks.
I'm feeling a wee bit hostile
I'm feeling a wee bit hostile today. But I'm feeling the "shape it up or I'll throat punch you and the b****."
On a more serious matter... I've found if you go to your Dh with the approach of your needs and how it's hurting you rather than throwing blame, it keeps their defenses from going up... Also if you preschedule time... I'm working with DH on fixing some stuff, and it started with me coming to him Friday and saying I know he's busy but I'm really struggling and hurting and I need his help. Then asked if there was a time he's free enough that we could sit down and really chat, becuase I can't keep doing it all. It made him realize I care about his time, so he felt respected, and because I'm going to him with an approach of how I'm hurting and now just going in guns blazing and saying he sucks, that helps too.
We haven't had the convo yet though (I ended up bumping it back because with everything I just wasn't in the mood to fight... I just needed someone to literally lean on), so I'll let you know how that goes. But the approach is already a LOT smoother than prior.
I think splitting finances
I think splitting finances might help a lot - either, as you said, separating yours and giving him your portion of the bills and let him pay them, or the joint account with only enough to cover the required bills and you each put in what's fair based on your income (or however you decide it). Everything left from his check, he can spend as he wishes and you don't have to know about it. Spend away on socks - when the money runs out, he'll have to ask you for some. (If he dares).