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We did it all for nothing

libbie's picture

I didn't sleep at all last night and I am heartbroken and hurt. I'm mad as he//! Dh called bm last night to set up summer visitation for sd. Bm wants the month of July which is when sd would be in band camp for band. She has to be there the last 2 weeks of July to get the marching and parts of the routine down. It is mandatory to do this to be in band. If she doesn't go she doesn't get to be in band. We have to send her for visitation and the Co states bm gets to pick 4 weeks and she won't budge. When dh told her it interferes with band she said she knows and sd can try out for band there. If sd doesn't get to do band here she will stay with bm and do band there. I know she will. Any ideas on what we can do? Sd wants to stay here and do band. Dh isn't going to let her move. What can we do before we spend more money on lawyers.

Comments

AshMar654's picture

When I was younger I refused to go see my Dad all the time and my mother never forced me, my dad never did anything about it either. She even moved me out of state and he still never did anything about it.

Have SD talk to her BM and explain to her what is going on and document all efforts that you, DH, and SD are trying to make to come to a happy medium. If it comes down to BM refusing and than taking it to court on her end you have proof to show what you all did and how she did nothing. I would also just get a consult onyout end do not take action just be informed.

I get that the CO states she can pick any 4 weeks she wants, I also know courts will do what is in the best interest of the child and honestly I think the courts would laugh at her and things she is being a selfish manipulative child.

She is using this as a ploy to get what she wants. She does not really seem to care what is in the best interest of her daughter. That is kinda sad.

AshMar654's picture

I know not all people are like my dad. Let's face it you really do not think a court will see through what she is trying to accomplish here? She is simply trying to manipulate her daughter into living with her. She is not caring about her daughter she only cares about her needs.

AshMar654's picture

I agree BM will do anything to make sure she gets her daughter to live with her. Honestly thought if she wanted her daughter that badly maybe she should have considered not relocating with DH and try to stay where they were.

She is a grown woman who chose to move away and yes I get she tried to keep her daughter with her from the start but when she did not get her way from OP's past posts sounds like she acted like a child about the whole thing and is exactly what she is doing now. I hate to see kids put in the middle and unfortunately I think both bio-parents have done that to some extent. The BM needs to live with her decisions about moving and understand that her daughter wants to stay where she is. As much as it hurt and I am sure she is really sad about it sometimes as adults we have to look beyond our own desires and see what is best for others.

From OP's post it seems like SD14 is doing really well and is happy where she is at.

AshMar654's picture

A court may not decided that I agree with you. Let me ask you this is though. If both parents can provide the girl with a happy stable home why can't she choose where she wants to live? It sounds like she has two parents that love her and care about her and want to see her grow up.

I get military my brother was in it and I have plenty of family in it as well. I forgot that part. When you were 14 and was told to move across the country but didn't have to because you had another alternative would you want to go. This is girl is provided for and taken care of obviously or the courts would not have allowed this arrangement to begin with.

Also BM's DH is in military who is to say he will not get moved again in another year maybe two or three and she would have to switch schools all over again.

I do think this BM is caring more about what she wants and less about her daughter and what is best for her right now. Yes missing band camp is not the end of the world or that huge of an upset but fairly certain she is just trying to use this situation to get her daughter to live with her.

AshMar654's picture

I know you have posted on my things before about my SO and my situation. Superjew will make any man look absolutely terrible no matter how much you explain or point out things on the positive.

AshMar654's picture

According to OP her son is doing better because of the the daughter being there. The daughter is happy too. You do not know all the background information about him. Please stop assuming he was a dead beat dad. OP has not divulged much info pertaining to his past involvement. If you go back to her original post he has been involved enough to know she passes out when given shots.

Absent lazy fathers do not know those details. Please stop assuming things about people who post one here.

AshMar654's picture

I am all on OP her DH's side on this one. BM had three kids with current husband so I see for BM what your are purposing was not an option really for her.

AshMar654's picture

I am not saying that about military families at all again you twist things. I am just saying this girl had the option so she stayed behind for reason that only mattered to her but she is 14 majority of teens think that way. If I am right in what I have read it was the daughter that chose and the dad made it happen. The daughter agreed to the allergy stuff so she could stay. It was the daughter from what I can tell that decided all this. She chose to leave her siblings, this 14 year old girl made the choice.

I never said he was a knight in shinning armor it sounds like he was always a part of her life and this is his only bio-child. I can not say I blame him for wanting to see his only child grow up. So when she said she did not want to move he made it happen and the courts agreed.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

She may not need band to graduate but band can demand that she attend the camp to learn the marching. If she doesn't learn them she would be unable to play. Been there done that. Football was the same way.

Yeah They can't absolutely make a kid be there but then when the kid can't preform the first week they are kicked off the team.

You're going to have to take this to court of you CO does not allow you to deny her these dates. Let the daughter explain that she wants to continue in band. If her grades are good and she's not in trouble messing with this just so BM gets those exact dates could be harmful in a way.

What is BMs excuse for having to have those exact dates? If she doesn't have one court should support you guys on saying no.

Just J's picture

You don't know that. It's mandatory at my daughter's school. If she doesn't attend band camp this summer, she can only be an alternate in the marching band and would only get a spot if someone quits. It's important to learn the music and the show as quickly as possible and that's what they do at band camp.

BM is being selfish. What she wants is more important than what her daughter wants. That's bullsh-t. My daughter loves music and is SO excited to be in marching band next year. She's been playing the clarinet since 5th grade and I can't imagine being so selfish as to not let her participate because of something I wanted. She's been working for this for years and it's important to her. She's really talented and is going to major in music in college. I can't imagine taking that away from her. So while it may not seem important to YOU, it might very well be that important to the OP's SD. To trivialize it is very short sighted of you. The BM can pick any other time during the summer and she purposely picked this time to f-ck with the camp. This screams of wanting to win over wanting her daughter to be happy.

BSgoinon's picture

I'd have SD talk to her and tell her exactly what she wants. She's old enough to communicate with her mother.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I also faced the 'mandatory' summer practice. Sure they can't 'make' you but then they just kick you put for not knowing the marching patterns. It's not uncommon. I also did basketball practices on the weekends. Oh you missed ok you don't play. Extracurricular aren't mandatory but most people do see them as good for the kid.

Again why is mom demanding that date. Why must the child miss the camp she wants to go to. Why can't mom change the date. Why does it matter that mom sees the kids two weeks earlier? How is that harmful to mom's ability to bond with the kid?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

This one time, at band camp...

I'm sorry, libbie, but BM is holding the winning hand in this situation. She does not have to budge one millimeter in this situation and it sounds like she is sticking with that plan. Sad

twoviewpoints's picture

I did not read all the comments, as the ones I did were just bickering ...so if already suggested, sorry to duplicate.

Offer BM two visits. She can take a two week followed by a second two week. Example, two weeks first of June and the first two weeks of July. I don't think I read which party is responsible for transportation cost. If it is on BM , Dad pays for second round trip, BM only first one. If the cost is ordered split, Dad splits first ticket and pays all himself for second ticket or offer her extra time, example as much of June as she pleases and no more than the first two weeks of July.

It seems ridiculous to me that this is the first week of May and these two are just now thinking of summer visitation. My GS's summer where, what and when has been scheduled and set since January. Odd that while the parents were fighting over all this back before BM moved that a more detailed outline was not laid out and in language leaving no room for this big 'oops'.

It is as important (actually, more so) this teen see and visit her mother as it is SD believes the band stuff is. At fourteen, sometimes it is hard to realize that fact. Kids can be self centered and think me me me. SD can talk with her mother and plead her case (the band), but if BM wont work with her daughter on this, SD needs to suck it up and get on the plane for the month of July.

If SD wants to be angry at somebody she misses band camp, she can be angry at BOTH her parents. They are the ones who singed off on the stupid loose wording of four weeks.

Livingoutloud's picture

Sd will need tons of therapy dealing with spiteful and argumentative dad and SM. It's terrible to suggest that because of stupid band kind shouldn't see her mom. Dad and SM are PASing this kid big time. This is high school band not metropolitan opera orchestra. Ridiculous

Livingoutloud's picture

I don't understand families that insist that extracurricular activities come before family. It is going to backfire. This is high school not Harvard. My DD is very successful highly educated professional, she was never encouraged to choose silly things over building close relationship witj Family. Decent CP encourages relationship with NCP, not goes out of his way to be spiteful and emphasizes unimportant stuff.

Livingoutloud's picture

Maybe she just wants to see her kid. Not every BM is evil with some agenda and not every dad and SM are angels.

Livingoutloud's picture

Maybe she just wants to see her kid. Not every BM is evil with some agenda and not every dad and SM are angels.