Alone
I'm sorry for sounding negative... but I don't have anywhere else I can turn to.
I feel like an outsider or third wheel in my own home. I know a lot of you will think I am petty, jeleouse, and self centered... maybe I am.
a little back story...my sd9 has been staying with her gram most of the time lately because her dad and I have to work and she is doing remote learning. We need to work and can't stay home. Neither of our jobs allows for working from home. Her gram is not comfortable with SD going back and fourth between homes and potentially being exposed to something and bringing it back to her home. We need the child care and we need to respect what makes gram feel safe. SD did come home for her two weeks Christmas break because SO company was also shut down for those same two weeks. There was LOTS of Daddy Daughter time.
SD was originally supposed to stay with gram again this weekend... which I'll be honest I was looking forward to. I was looking forward to time with my SO.
SD did not stay at grams this weekend... she came home. Don't get me wrong... I know it's not grams responsibility to watch her all the time, and this is her home. She has a right to be here.
But I am honestly feeling really alone right now.
He decided to let her stay up late last night cause she won't be able to come home for a few weekends after this. They were cuddling on the couch watching tv together and talking away. I sat on the other end of the couch and might as well been 100 miles away. It's like during "daddy daughter time" I stop existing.
I get they have a special bond that I will never fully be a part of... they are blood... I'm not. SO saw that I was being left out and tried to get me to come over and be with them. I appreciate that he tried, but at that point I had already been being excluded for a while. And Honestly... I didn't want to. I was just going to be a third wheel. It would be forced and fake.
it doesn't help that the last two nights he has spent most of the nights sleeping on the couch... I don't know why. So even when we go to bed, he doesn't want anything to do with me.
it husrts so much. I feel so alone and rejected.
what is wrong with me? Why am I not worth it?
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Comments
Red Flag.
This will never change. A lot of SP feel like the third wheel. You are not the only one to feel this way.
The ball is in your court. This is how it's going to be. Either live with it or leave to be blunt
If SD was maintaining a more
If SD was maintaining a more normal visitation with dad I would be more concerned. That he super dotes on her for the very brief time she has been able to spend time with him in the past months... I don't think that is all that unusual of a reaction.
But, the most important thing is that you and he need to be communicating with each other. He is sleeping on the couch? why.. no apparent fight or issue.. it doesn't make a lot of sense. You feeling rejected when his daughter has visited.. you are allowed to ask for what you want too. It can be easy to become distracted and not realize that someone else may be hurting.
It is a little unfair to sit there and try to mental telepathy your needs to him. Sometimes it just means you have to be blunt.
I know you are happy to see your daughter when she visits... and I know you haven't had near enough time with her this past year due to covid. But, sometimes I can' t help but feel a little pushed to the side when she comes to visit. I know it's not her fault and you probably don't mean to do it.. but I do need to feel loved too.. and it would mean a lot to me if you would make an effort to include me more.. and/or carve out some time for me too when she visits.
**Red flag*** Right after we
**Red flag*** Right after we got married and got a house, SD was turning 8. She would watch a movie with DH then ask "can you sleep with me on the couch?"
I had a private conversation with DH. Letting him know I thought watching movies was okay... but for a maturing girl to "ask to sleep with daddy" as innocent as it might have been, seemed SUPER weird to me. Also, seemed like it was setting SD up to have "daddy issues."
I tried to keep the focus on us for the most part. Saying our time alone in our bedtime was needed and special. How it's vital for a couple and our relationship.
I honestly can say I just think DH was oblivious, didn't really think any of those points through... needless to say, the "sleepovers" stopped immediately. Don't get me wrong, they still hang out. Even now that SD is 10. But their "quality time" now includes walks in the neighborhood, playing games, etc. WAY more age appropriate.
I wish it was that easy. I
I wish it was that easy. I told my SO that I thought our bed should be for just us... no kids and no pets.
I was told that I was rejecting his daughter and don't care about her emotional needs. That she needed to know she would always be able to count on daddy for comfort. If she had a bad dream she could come to daddy. Fuck that! I told him he could go I her room then. He agreed but I think he still holds it against me.
this is part of what makes me feel like a third wheel.
they have their thing but if I want to set boundaries then I'm a cold, uncaring, and heartless
IMO, he sounds VERY
IMO, he sounds VERY insensitive and dismissive of your needs. It's a different perspective with SD not being biologically your child. Would he be encouraging SD to hop into bed with BMs boyfriend? So her "emotional needs" can be met in the middle of th night? Yea, I don't think so. Honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for me. With him being dismissive and showing you his REAL priorities. Unless you're okay with ALWAYS coming in 2nd place, I'd rethink this relationship.
^^^^
THIS! My god, we have to start sending the DH's to this site so they can have some perspective on their super weird behaviors. Support and enabling are not the same thing!
I agree that past a certain
I agree that past a certain age, cosleeping is inappropriate. Also, though, i get the OP feeling excluded. It's one thing to spend a lot of time with his daughter if she only visits once in a while. But - if every time she is there, the husband sleeps with her and not OP, that would cause resentment in anyone.
To me, sleeping with my SO is a big deal. It's a type of rejection to have your bed either violated by someone else or to have him leave your bed to sleep with someone else, even a child. It says on some level that they are a competition. Not necessarily sexually but as a "partner" in other ways. Right or wrong, that's how i would feel. Other people might say it's jealousy but i would not compete for space in my husband's bed with a child, whether that child is 2 or 20. I figured out that it's a hard stop for me.
I understand bc I sometimes
I understand bc I sometimes feel that way, too. SD is 30 but has all kinds of issues and she always takes priority over me and our marriage. My sister, partner to a man with children, told me long ago that the kids always win. Whether it's due to guilt, enabling, whatever - they always come first, last and in-between. Unfortunately, I believe it's true and the options are to live with it & find happiness in what there is or leave. Honestly, had I known this was the life ahead of me, I would not have married him. But I did and I love him and know he loves me. I'll just always be behind SD. Hard truth.