I know I have no right to ask
After my last shameful display of total judgment (and believe me, with recent events I get the point of this website...to vent so that you don't say horrible shit to the skids or BM) but I could really use some advice.
In order to do that though, I have to give some background. I have been dating SO for a while now. We were set up by his BIL (brother to BM) who works with me at the office. BM is a client of our office due to legal trouble related to drinking and domestic violence. My friend is representing her. She was a client before I started here and so we also have her newest charges.
For the entire time of our relationship we have been quiet about telling BM (including all of my co-workers) that we were dating. I have met BM only in passing and have never spoken to her. I have no involvement in her case other than the information that BIL likes to share with me about her continued excessive drinking.
BM has supervised visits and limited supervised contact with the children by phone. I have repeatedly told the children they are not required to lie about me, my identity or anything else because that just isn't fair to them. She pumps them for information and they don't share any (again their choice I assume but because I am criticizing her for pumping them for info, I don't ask them anything about their visits).
Yesterday BM tells BIL that she thinks they will get back together. He drops the bombshell that he is dating someone (she knew that) and that we are serious. She cries of course and then goes on a multiple email pathway of destruction trying to get SO to come back. In between emails she is calling everyone she knows who has access to his life and pumping them for information. She is also telling them what a POS he is. Fine, I can handle that. I can even handle the emails. So far SO has decided not to engage. I can handle that too, that's his choice, even if I am nervous about her finding out and going red level psycho on me. I have nightmares that she is going to call my boss, my family, the bar association and everyone else she can think of.
Today BIL intimated that last night she started cutting on herself. This morning she tells SO that she's going to commit suicide (she won't and probably didn't cut herself either). I am tired of living in a stressed out state wondering when she is going to find out and what the fall out will be. But that's not even the worst part.
I am worried my friend is getting into a quagmire of her own by continuing to represent this person. I think there is a conflict there but she says she doesn't see how considering that she is getting information from both me and BIL and in either case it would be a conflict. I have offered to have SO tell BM, and my friend said not a chance. Offered to send email saying I am in a relationship and it's serious...not a chance.
I feel like I am coming unglued at the seams. Part of me wants to email the crazy BM myself and tell her that I am seeing her ex and that I don't want to infringe on her relationship with her children. I feel like that is the classy thing to do, but then I have never dealt with a crazy person that can't be gotten rid of because of the children. Any help anyone could offer would be so greatly appreciated. I don't cry often, but the last three days I have been in tears at the drop of the hat. Part of that is PMS I am sure but part of it is sheer exhaustion regarding this craziness. SO says he will handle it however I choose and will keep the damage control on high alert. I think he feels terrible this is happening. I don't think I am doing anything wrong as I don't know her, and when I met him I had a vague understanding that we represented her but was under the impression it was all but settled (until she picked up new charges). Any ideas? Should I email her? Should I have him handle it? Should we continue to say nothing and let her figure it out on her own? And why do I feel so much like I am the bad person in all of this?