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lawyergirl06's picture

After my last shameful display of total judgment (and believe me, with recent events I get the point of this vent so that you don't say horrible shit to the skids or BM) but I could really use some advice.

In order to do that though, I have to give some background. I have been dating SO for a while now. We were set up by his BIL (brother to BM) who works with me at the office. BM is a client of our office due to legal trouble related to drinking and domestic violence. My friend is representing her. She was a client before I started here and so we also have her newest charges.

For the entire time of our relationship we have been quiet about telling BM (including all of my co-workers) that we were dating. I have met BM only in passing and have never spoken to her. I have no involvement in her case other than the information that BIL likes to share with me about her continued excessive drinking.

BM has supervised visits and limited supervised contact with the children by phone. I have repeatedly told the children they are not required to lie about me, my identity or anything else because that just isn't fair to them. She pumps them for information and they don't share any (again their choice I assume but because I am criticizing her for pumping them for info, I don't ask them anything about their visits).

Yesterday BM tells BIL that she thinks they will get back together. He drops the bombshell that he is dating someone (she knew that) and that we are serious. She cries of course and then goes on a multiple email pathway of destruction trying to get SO to come back. In between emails she is calling everyone she knows who has access to his life and pumping them for information. She is also telling them what a POS he is. Fine, I can handle that. I can even handle the emails. So far SO has decided not to engage. I can handle that too, that's his choice, even if I am nervous about her finding out and going red level psycho on me. I have nightmares that she is going to call my boss, my family, the bar association and everyone else she can think of.

Today BIL intimated that last night she started cutting on herself. This morning she tells SO that she's going to commit suicide (she won't and probably didn't cut herself either). I am tired of living in a stressed out state wondering when she is going to find out and what the fall out will be. But that's not even the worst part.

I am worried my friend is getting into a quagmire of her own by continuing to represent this person. I think there is a conflict there but she says she doesn't see how considering that she is getting information from both me and BIL and in either case it would be a conflict. I have offered to have SO tell BM, and my friend said not a chance. Offered to send email saying I am in a relationship and it's serious...not a chance.

I feel like I am coming unglued at the seams. Part of me wants to email the crazy BM myself and tell her that I am seeing her ex and that I don't want to infringe on her relationship with her children. I feel like that is the classy thing to do, but then I have never dealt with a crazy person that can't be gotten rid of because of the children. Any help anyone could offer would be so greatly appreciated. I don't cry often, but the last three days I have been in tears at the drop of the hat. Part of that is PMS I am sure but part of it is sheer exhaustion regarding this craziness. SO says he will handle it however I choose and will keep the damage control on high alert. I think he feels terrible this is happening. I don't think I am doing anything wrong as I don't know her, and when I met him I had a vague understanding that we represented her but was under the impression it was all but settled (until she picked up new charges). Any ideas? Should I email her? Should I have him handle it? Should we continue to say nothing and let her figure it out on her own? And why do I feel so much like I am the bad person in all of this?


lawyergirl06's picture

God, that makes so much sense. I hate that I feel like I am living a lie and living in fear. My stomach hurts constantly. Do you think he should tell her who I am, or just that he is dating someone and that it is serious? Without the gory details?

stepmisery's picture

It's almost like you are the pawn in this brother's scheming against his sister. It seems like ethics don't mean a whole lot in your office.

I hope you do not end up losing your job, your license, your reputation. I have no idea what you should do except talk to your boss and get the hell away from BIL. He keeps throwing his sister under the bus. It sure as hell wasn't his place to tell his sister that SO was seriously dating someone when it is more than likely going to be your job on the line, not BIL's.

Jsmom's picture

Stay out of it...You are messing with something that could ultimately destroy your career, not just your personal life. The best marriages on here, seem to be the ones where the SM has no contact with the BM at all. They leave everything to the DH.

As for your job, do not discuss her in anyway with anyone. Including the BIL and her lawyer. I work in banking and what you have going on is referred to as a chinese wall. You need to not discuss this with anyone. It is a conflict of interest and can set yourself up to a lawsuit.

As for the kids, do not discuss BM at all, let her find out on her own. She will and she will come unglued. My life changed drastically when we moved in together right before the wedding. Everything was fine with BM until that point and then lawyers and everyone was involved.

Read lots of blogs on here to see how others handle this situation and a preview of your possible future if you communicate with BM in anyway....Biggest mistake I made was thinking I could reason with her...

lawyergirl06's picture

Well, I talked to the ethics commission and technically I haven't violated any rules of ethics as long as I don't cover her case in any way and don't ever appear with her in court (which won't happen, believe me). I don't share any of her information about her cases with SO and he doesn't ask so that's good. I told him that he can never ask me about her criminal matters, and so far he has respected that. Besides she broadcasts it to anyone who will listen anyway so that's on her. I am not afraid she will do anything meaningful to my license, I'm covered there, but I am terrified she will show up here and make a scene. I talked to my boss who told me that I don't need to be worried about my job, but still the embarassment of it is awful. Thanks for all the advice. I think I am just going to stay out of it and let him handle the fall out (the SO).

stepmisery's picture

Good. Glad that's covered.

Now, hopefully BM won't use this as a weapon in a custody battle but I, for the life of me, would have no idea how a family court judge would view your involvement and/or proximity and availability of information that you could "pillow talk" with SO.

I'm sure you know better than any of us how judges use their own perceptions and I would be concerned that BM might try to use this mess against SO as long as you are part of the picture.

And then being dragged into that... idk how your boss is going to feel about it either, especially because you have left him in the dark for so long.

I guess if she tries anything you better 'fess up to the boss and pretty quick but if BM doesn't pursue anything, you probably dont have anything to worry about.

You know she is going to flip her lid when she finds out who you are and if she discovers you work in the same office. Wouldnt' be surprised if BIL accidentally let the cat of the bag.

bi's picture

i'm very resentful of this entire post. i'm gonna find sd19, whom i resent, and take my resentment out on her and then she can resent me. oh wait. she already resents me. there's enough resentment here for everyone! Biggrin

bi's picture

oh, i'm resentful. i'm resentful of assholes. like my sd. like people who don't know me or anything i've had to live thru, but want to judge me anyway. yeah, i'm resentful.

BSgoinon's picture

I resent that win. I resent this blog, I resent myself.

Actually, I don't even know what we are talking about. I resent that.

twopines's picture

>>>And don't sweat it. This is a community of resentful women, for the most part... judgement happens daily<<<

Of what am I resentful? I'm interested in your assessment of my life. Go ahead.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I guess I don't see the hoopla over the "resentful" comment. She did not say every single person that posts here is full of judgment and resent. I think people are going a bit overboard with her comment.

BSgoinon's picture

I just thought it was funny. To resent a statement calling people resentful... it just took on a life of it's own.

twopines's picture

>>>I guess I don't see the hoopla over the "resentful" comment.<<<

And I'm OK with that. Wink

hereiam's picture

She does not need to know who you are, as you personally, are not the problem.
She now knows her ex is in a serious relationship, she will just have to deal with it.

If anybody engages with her (positively or negatively), it will encourage her to continue. She needs to be ignored. She needs to realize no matter what she says or does, it is not going to change anything, she is not getting him back and nobody is paying her any mind (she just looks like a fool).

My husband's ex threatened to hurt herself if he didn't go back to her. He ignored her. She tried other things, he ignored her. She eventually got the message. There are some crazy women out there and they cannot be reasoned with. Don't even try.

She will probably find out who you are eventually, just ignore her then, too. If you start any type of communication with her, it will just open doors you don't want open.

My husband's ex even tried calling me one day to let me know why I should dump him, ya know, like she was my friend and doing me a favor (I didn't even let her finish what she was saying). I told her if she EVER called me again, I would sue her. She didn't.

I would also not be discussing her at all with your colleagues while she is a client.

lawyergirl06's picture

No, she has some criminal cases and while I have done some brainstorming on defenses with my co-worker, I have never asked for specific facts or asked for police reports or anything like that. I never tell the SO anything but her brother calls him with constant updates. After a long lunch, he and I decided the following. He is not going to engage her. I am not going to engage her. I told the BIL after lunch that he is under no obligation to hide any information and if he feels like I am asking him to do that, let me make myself clear I am not. You may tell her whatever you would like to and I will not hold you responsible for that, however, SO and I are not going to engage her in anyway. I also sent her parents and email saying basically the same thing (although they assured me when I met them that they are really happy for SO considering the hell he went through) and was very nice about it. So, now I just sit and wait. She finds out, she doesnt, whatever. My conscience is clear now that I have at least let the "innocent bystanders" (however, they did raise her so they bear some responsibility) off the hook for feeling like they have to hide it.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I find the whole introduction to your SO strange. Your co-worker/BM's brother set you up with his former brother in law knowing that is sister is a nut job criminal? Did I read that correctly?

In any event, you have no obligation to tell your coworker's sister anything. You are not a party to her case in any regard. If anything, I would think her brother might say something to her like "Hey sis, I set your ex husband up with a hot girl in my office...just so you know." I find it weird that he would keep that from his sister. Just my opinion though...I have a criminal brother but I'd never set him up with anyone Smile

lawyergirl06's picture

I agree. At the time he introduced me I had just taken the job and just moved here. I didn't even know he was setting me up. Said his brother in law was joining us. Didn't even know they were going through a divorce. I had just ended a relationship with a horrible alcoholic myself so we started out as friends just comparing notes. Then he got me to attend Al-Anon with him and as time went on our friendship changed to more. I also met his kids while we were friends because sometimes I would come hang out with them if he needed to go to a meeting. I didn't think, when I first met him, that this is how things would turn out. It's been a long strange road....and I kind of resent that.... Smile