New to Step Talk - seeking support & wanting to give support - 17 years experience in stepfamily
I am new to this forum - in fact - this is the first time I have joined any forum. I hope to hear from anyone. I can see that there are a lot of people here who know this pain and who have much to offer.
I am 56 years old and am still experiencing my 27-year old stepdaughter's unwarranted resentment, loathing, and manipulative behavior. I have a very wise therapist who, one week ago, told my husband during a couple's session, "You do know that this is not really about your wife right? There are many other complex dynamics taking place in your daughter's psyche related to the divorce that having nothing to do with her stepmother, and until she can see this she will always see your wife as the enemy."
Wow! After 17 years of being in my husband's life -- to hear this -- and for him to hear this from a very well respected professional is mind blowing. I feel like I have been in prison for 17 years for a crime I did not commit and now, ew evidence has been presented and I have been exonerated!
The elation of this realization however has been brief. A few things my husband has said has made me wonder if he really "buys" this perspective. He has a heavily embedded default button designed to protects his daughter at every turn - even if she is 27 years old and no longer needs protecting. I honestly believe this "addiction" to protecting her is conversely related to the level of guilt he STILL feels about the divorce.
I have asked my husband to join me in more couple's counseling to finally address and hopefully begin to resolve this situation. Of course, if he is unable or unwilling to to the work that he needs to do then our marriage will remain stagnant and could possibly end. Regardless, I will continue the work I am doing to see myself clearly - through my therapy, women's group, etc.
I am a guardedly hopeful. If he could make progress and gain more clarity and speak this new truth to his daughter it just might be the impetus for her to question the way she has seen things for a long time. It wouldn't only benefit her and our relationship but could prevent issues with her soon to be new husband!
All I can do is continue to look at myself - with the help of many wise people.
I cherish honest feedback!
Lanette
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Comments
Sorry it has taken so long
Sorry it has taken so long for you to come to realization. I hope your DH does too. I am fortunate because from get go, DH and I have placed each other first. We WILL NOT rescue our children (yours, mine and ours) or give excuses for them. Welcome to step talk and I hope you get some good advice.
My advice---stick with the therapist. Sounds like he/she knows what talking about
welcome! this is a great
welcome! this is a great place to find information and support. glad to have you here!
Lanette, you have no idea how
Lanette, you have no idea how much your story describes my situation! My step-daughter is older than yours so I have been going through this for a bit longer but this IS still the problem. My SD came to visit with her hubby. They like to play games like 'Let's have conversations in low volume so noone can hear what we're saying. They do this repeatedly in the car, while we're watching TV, etc. I asked them to please speak up and got hammered for it. My gutless husband walked out, said he didn't want to get in the middle. But like you, I've been the target of my SD's wrath for over 20 years and it's getting tiresome. Thank you for giving me some validation becasue I was told I make THEM uncomfortable - my fault again! C
Thank you "prayerhelps" -- it
Thank you "prayerhelps" -- it is comforting to know that there are couples out there that put each other first... I will stick with this therapist as you suggest!
And thank you grayskies for your support!
To sandye21 - thank you for sharing your experience... there is great comfort in knowing someone out there knows the pain of this experience. If we can bring sanity to an insane situation - let us do so by supporting each other in owning that which ours to own and giving other's theirs. YOU are not the problem... the complex dynamic between a father and daughter is at the crux of the situation. Unfortunately, they don't get it -- and you are the "scapegoat". But we don't have to accept this as reality! We need a voice of wisdom... we have to reach out for help -- in these forums and particularly finding a good therapist. Finding the right "fit" is essential... we NEED the wisdom of a professional... but one who "gets" this dynamic.
Right now, the temptation is to get my husband to see how this alliance with his daughter is not only damaging us but damages his daughter and her ability to form a healthy functional relationship with her future husband. But I know if I wait for him to see the "truth" then I am making my chance at clarity and healing dependent on his... I have done this far too long and it simply doesn't work. I can only do my own work... and regardless of whether he continues his journey I must continue with mine. So sandye21 YOU matter,... YOU are not the problem... YOU deserve to take the path of healing and clarity... for your own sake!
You described it
You described it perfectly....in prison for a crime I didn't commit. It has worn on my self esteem. I have good intentions and I'm not a mean person. I just have a ss that hates me....for all the good things I do for him, he hates me. And it hurts.
I love what you said about this not being an issue about us as sms. It does make a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing that with us!!
Welcome to the site. I've found a lot of sanity in these pages. Its my 2nd week here and I love being able to commiserate with all of you!
It sounds like the therapy is very useful.
Lanette, I printed out your
Lanette, I printed out your initial comment and asked my husband to read it - he did. He finally admitted it is something he needs to work on with his daughter. And he seems to finally understand it would not matter if I were the Queen of England, I still would be the 'enemy'. Whether he "takes care of it" as he says he going to or not this will be his decision and his responsiblility. You have taken a big load off of my shoulders. I will also seek therapy to figure out why I allow myself to be used as a scapegoat. Thank you so much for showing me the reality of the situation. C
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your support. Seventeen years ago this type of on line community was nonexistent. I can still recall my feelings of isolation. I hope no one else ever has to feel this way.
Oh my gosh, sandye21... I am so grateful my story helped you and has caused your husband to consider another perspective.
Let me support you in taking the step toward finding the right therapist for you. It takes courage to journey within to better understand ourselves. For me it as become an act of respecting myself.
At 10:00 am today I will be sitting with my husband and our therapist, and I will try to describe all of the feelings of sadness, anger, and helplessness that I've been living with for seventeen years.
I am definitely nervous. But I have got to start making the outside look like the inside. I cannot continue to not speak my truth! If it wasn't for the therapy setting this would be just another vain attempt to expressing my pain and frustration. I've tried before with just me and him but it always ends up with me crying & getting angry, and he then withdraws into a deafening silence -- for days and days! Which, as I think about it, is a way of being left. It is my hope the therapy setting will change this pattern. We will see. I am impatient for change - and that will be a challenge because I know this type of stuff takes time!
After sleeping on yesterday's
After sleeping on yesterday's fiasco, I can see that not a lot has changed. He invited some of his friends over for Christmas Dinner so now I have to go back to the store and buy more turkey. I told him I do not want to be talking about the SD at dinner, to warn his friend ahead of time. He has taken on the persona of the poor, poor victim of a mean, bitchy wife. He refuses to go to a therapist. I think he is afraid to hear what the REAL problem is which will mean HE has to take responsiblity and quit using me as a scapegoat. So the thing I need to do is go to therapy by myself. I am ready to make changes on me now. If it means without him, so be it!
Well... sounds like we are in
Well... sounds like we are in similar circumstances... my husband hasn't quite said he doesn't really buy the idea that my SD's negative feelings are more about the divorce and all the drama around that -- he did say -- after therapy that "maybe this is right". That is the best I can get from him right now. But at least he is willing to go to therapy for now.
In the last 24 hours I have realized that this dysfunction has gone on for so many years and unless something changes then nothing changes. I must be that something that changes. My part in the dysfunction has been not being able to do something different. Right now I think doing something means: #1 individual therapy regardless of whether he continues with our couples therapy and #2 continue to speak my truth (with the help of the therapy process).
Prior to this latest SD drama I had been in therapy for a year -- mostly dealing with my own 27 year old daughter (a whole other tragic story - she is a drug addict). So when all of this drama arose -- and when I talked about it with my therapist - the support & validation I got was like taking a deep breath of pure oxygen after being held under water to the brink of drowning. With her help I will be able to continue to speak my truth & stand up for myself.
I told her in couple's counseling that I am scared my husband will be angry and not want to stay in the marriage now that I have opened up. She walked me through it to a place of understanding. I realized that this fear is not just about the present but also my past (Dad stuff!). This is the type of help I have needed for so long. Yes it is true that I could lose my husband but if I am not conscious of the unconscious fears related to my past I tend to react in ways that actually cause the thing I fear the most! Does that make any sense?
The other thing that I think I tend to do is to tell myself that until my husband "get's it" then I cannot rest. I hope he does -- but I cannot make him -- although I do keep talking about it & I can tell he doesn't want to for now...which drives me crazy. Thank goodness I am housesitting for the next 9 days - otherwise I wouldn't be able to be around him without talking about it -- and pushing and pushing him. I must stay focused for now on me and celebrating the fact that I AM NOT A WICKED STEPMOTHER NO MATTER WHAT MY SD OR HER FATHER THINKS!!
Yes, you are right - we are
Yes, you are right - we are in similar circumstances and we are in the same 'place' as far as getting understanding, action, compassion, validation from our husbands. After Christmas I am going to make an appointment to go to counseling - for myself. He is adament he will not go. Fine. He DID say it was not me but like you, I am not convinced. He said he will talk to his daughter after everything has setteld down. This may be a stalling technique - again. I told him I was very disappointed in him because he ran off instead of defending me as the step-daughter's husband did. What I REALLY want to say to him is that he is a coward. One thing in my favor - I own this house and have said they are not allowed in it until they can stop playing games. He can't do anything about it. Otherwise he can leave.
You mentioned "the unconscious fears" and I truly understand as I've also had past issues with my father who was not emotionally there and an ex-husband who deserted me. I know my husband doesn't want to talk about it either. Usually I go want to keep talking about it too. But this time it is different. I am still a bit numb. Last night I told him I felt like I had been beat up. He said he understood. There is a silent calmness, and I think it actually scares him a bit. This time I have had too much validation from both you and his family, he has read it, and can no longer say it is all me. He can not say this is my imagination as in the past. He does not have a leg to stand on.
He may never take steps to resolution but then, as I told him he can go to visit them where they live or visit them in a motel nearby. It's his choice.
Tomorrow one of his freinds is coming over for dinner. I suggested he inform his friend ahead of time not to ask about the SD.
Niether one of us is a wicked stepmother - we just came along at a convenient time to take on the burden.
Cheryl
Your strength feels pretty
Your strength feels pretty darn solid - it inspires me to stay strong and centered in what I know is the right thing to do for me -- and honestly our marriage.
I wonder what your husband plans on saying to his daughter? I doubt he can convince her any differently. My therapist told my husband that his alliance needs to be with me -- not with his daughter -- and that every time she talks to him about you she is creating an alliance with him in an effort to create a "split". As long as he doesn't set a boundary by telling her he will no longer participate in that kind of talk and energy he is permitting an alliance with the wrong person.
If he doesn't truly understand & accept this dynamic the conversation with her probably won't be successful. If the conversation fails maybe he will be more motivated to seek help. Men do not typically seek help in this way. I think they believe they will get ganged up on by the wife & therapist. Perhaps he might consider individual therapy if things get bad enough. That would be a good beginning but of course we can't make it happen either, huh?
You mentioned your SD's husband defended her. So was the scene three against one basically?
Yes, it was three against
Yes, it was three against one. Mostly SD and her hubby yelling at me while my husband ran out the door. He would not utter a word in my defense. I agree - knowing the SD that he will not be able to convince her to think anything differently, that speaking in low tones so we can't hear what they are saying is rude, or to stop the games she has been playing since the day we got married 20 years ago. He just can't seem to bring himslef to show any alliance with me in her presence. Actually I am wondering why I am still with this man? He says he will not go to counseling so I am going to make an appointment for myself. Maybe a trial separation is in order. Cheryl
Good for you that you are
Good for you that you are focusing on taking care of yourself. My experience with therapy is to give it 4-6 visits or a bit more to see if it is a good fit. I hope that is helpful. I will be thinking of you and your journey.
I just talked to a counselor
I just talked to a counselor on the phone. She said I have no control over the behavior of others - only my own. She told me he should not have to be put in the position of making a choice between his daughter or me. She also said she doubted after 20 years that the situation would change or get any better and suggested, if it is OK with DH he go visit them and leave me out of it. She added it's just too negative for me to deal with. HD agreed. What a relief! Cheryl