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Am I overreacting?

ksmom14's picture

DH is out of town on a trip with his family (not the issue here, I encouraged him to go).

I've been at home taking care of DD2, DD3, plus the 3 teenage skids.

I took SD14 to a therapy appointment Wednesday at 6pm. With nobody to watch DDs I had to take them with me so we went to the grocery store across the street while we waited. I let them pick out a treat and we bought a 12 pack of mini cupcakes. Since there are 6 of us at home everyone was told they get TWO cupcakes. I only gave my DDs 1 each Wednesday night and was going to save the other two for them to have Thursday. I went to bed Wednesday and there are exactly 2 cupcakes left, I wake up Thursday and there is only 1. Turns out SD16 decided to eat a 3rd one with no explanation as to why.

I know this is just cupcakes and not the end of the world, but I was frustrated that SD would just decide on her own to eat an extra one, and that I would then have to deal with the fallout from toddlers having to explain they both couldn't have a cupcake now.

Anyways, I texted DH Thursday AM and told him what happened, and told him I was frustrated, I saw that he had read the message at 7:30 AM. He never replied to my message...finally at 9:30pm he messaged just that "he was ready to be home". I went to sleep and responded this morning saying 

KSMOM: Me too, tomorrow!

KSMOM: Did you get my message yesterday AM?

DH: About the cupcakes?

KSMOM: yes

DH: Shall I send SD16 a message


KSMOM: I was just venting, I was frustrated. Just wanted some sympathy or at least acknowledgement that it sucked. I got neither

DH: sorry that happened

Then he tried to change the subject, which I've been responsive but short about. Am I over reacting? honestly I think it's stupid that this is about a dang cupcake, but the fact that I was just trying to vent and I just straight up get IGNORED pisses me off. Then when I tell him it bothered me he says something to appease me, but does not apologize for ignoring me at all. I'm not going to fight with him about this over text, but I just don't know if it's worthwhile to taint his homecoming with it either Sad


ksmom14's picture

BM lives an hour away and can't (as well as just won't) do school pickups/ dropoffs for an entire week. She has to request special scheduling on the two days every other week that she does it for regular visits. 

The skids being home isn't that big of a deal to me. They're teenagers so pretty self sufficient, I simply make dinner for the family at night and make sure they are awake in the morning before I leave, that's it.

fakemommy's picture

It isn't about the cupcake even, it is about the lack of consideration for others. Why does SD16 get 3 so someone else only gets 1? She should consider that she's not the only one who exists.

ksmom14's picture

I agree, and that's one of the big things that irritated me. Honestly she's not usually an inconsiderate person, although since she's hit puberty she's changed a lot so I don't really know anymore. But I'm trying to just move past that issue because it's not worth it to me. I'm more just ticked off at DH for ignoring me

tankh21's picture

My skids do this as well. fakemommy is right through it's the lack of consideration of others. I also think that it's because of lack of structure and boundaries because the parents didn't teach them.

futurobrillante99's picture

Sometimes an object lesson is good. Get some other snack and make sure the others get more than SD. See if she notices or says anything. If she does, let her know that it sucks when others take more than their fair share because someone always comes up empty handed and you hope she'll be more considerate in the future and not help herself to snacks set aside for the other children.

ksmom14's picture

Thanks everyone for you input. I guess I wasn't overly clear...I was more so asking if I was over reacting by being upset with DH for ignoring my message about the incident...


Iamwoman's picture

No. You are not overreacting at all. I would be pissed too if I were you. There would certainly be at least one raised voice (me) in my household.

Next, I would go out and buy another 6 pack of cupcakes. These would be ONLY for the toddlers. I would hide them in my room, and give them to the toddlers only.

If I felt particularly vindictive, I would make sure my toddlers ate their cupcakes in front of the 16 year old.

At 16, she is almost an adult. She should not be, literally, taking candy from a baby. She is a horrible human.

As for DH, I would be VERY upset with him too. He doesn't get to take a vacation from parenting. Even while he is away. I would make sure that when he arrived him from his trip, I was out somewhere else, doing something fun with only the toddlers. The message needs to sink in for that guy.

lieutenant_dad's picture

She is HIS daughter. HE should be outraged that she would be inconsiderate of your time and money, and of her sisters' feelings and belongings (since those last 2 cupcakes were theirs).

My response to DH would be:

"I'm upset with you, and I should not have told you that I was just venting. I'm upset that I know you saw my message and instead of being a father and addressing one of your kids taking from their siblings, you left me to deal with it alone. I am taking care of YOUR girls while you are away, but I expect you to still parent when they are being obtuse. No, SD doesn't need to be grounded, but she does need her FATHER to explain why that was rude to both her sisters AND me.

That is why I am upset, because you wanted my permission to ignore your daughter being disrespectful to me and our daughters. The cupcake is a symptom of your lack of parenting causes your girls to think that they not only don't have to listen to me, but that yok silently support it. You shouldn't need to ask my permission to realize that she was being disrespectful. As a parent, it should upset you that your child willfully did not listen to your wife and upset her baby sisters in the process."

ITB2012's picture

I'm sure this is just one of many little things that all have a core theme of lack of consideration/manners by a skid and lack of parenting and avoidance by the biological parent.

Good luck with this. I try to explain to my DH that it's a pattern and I get frustrated that it never ends and I get told that I need to not dwell on the past. I ask him to handle it and he doesn't, then I am frustrated that he doesn't, and I get told I'm making it into a big deal. To which I respond that it was a small deal and his avoiding handling it makes it a big deal. He says he sees what I'm saying and says he will try harder to handle it immediately "next time" (TM) and the cycle keeps going. Sometimes there's the "then you just say something" circle where I do say something directly to a skid but DH jumps on me for how I said it. Which then results in the circular conversation that if he'd parent I wouldn't have to say something but he told me to so that means I get to say things how I say things, he cannot control that, too, and if he doens't like it then be the parent. 

I have told my DS that he's being a shit directly to his face. I think DH would rather have a colonscopy without anesthesia than say anything even vaguely "mean" to his skids.

Simpleton21's picture

I agree with the other posters.  The lack of consideration is the part that kills me and like ITB2012 it is a pattern of this and the non-parenting from DH that makes it more infuriating.  I actually quit going to the grocery before my SD comes for a visit.  Anytime I stock up on things and she has a visit she will devour every snack or sweet that is meant for the whole family.  She will even hide the empty bags in her closet.  This to me is a big issue that DH just doesn't seem to acknowledge or doesn't want to upset fragile SD with.  It drives me crazy.  

I would really love to hide some laxative chocolates that don't say laxative on them and let her devour all those some weekend.  She is the only one that sneaks food and doesn't ask for snacks.  Not that I require the kids to ask me for snacks but mine just usually do and they live there full time.  I hate the entitlement and lack of consideration that SD has when it comes to most everything.  When my YDS has candy (he is 5) she will manipulate him into sharing/giving her some by fake crying and acting upset.  It is really sickening.

ITB2012's picture

You can make a batch of cookies. Two containers. One out when everyone is awake. The other out when everyone is gone/in bed that you know she will steal. You don't make them all laxative cookies. Just one and just one/one and a half doses. Then she will eat it at some point that's not traceable to that night she took the container.

Confession: I did something similar to what I outlined to a guy who was driving me nuts when I was in my 20s.

Simpleton21's picture

Ha, I like this and the sugar free gummies idea.  I know for sure she will sneak/steal them and think she got away with it.  I will get the joy of watching her run to the bathroom in misery!  Love it!

SteppedOut's picture

There are some sugar free gummy bears on Amazon, apparently, if you eat too many you get explosive diarrhea... incase you want to seem more innocent than laxatives... 

notasm3's picture

If for some reason that I cannot possibly imagine I had to be stuck with a f***tard like your SD I would insist on having control over her phone.   Act like an $$? Well your phone immediately goes into lock mode. 

Chmmy's picture

Maybe you should buy things for yourselves and DDs and let the skids fend for themselves as far as treats go.  It is a mini cupcake so who cares but it's the entitlement that she is more special than anyone.  The only thing worse than an entitled child who thinks they deserve a little extra than everyone else is an adult who behaves in the same way.  Usually adults like that cant hold a job or relationships or friendships.  They are just unlikable people.  My skids are very unlikable and very few people like them besides daddddeeee and a few relatives.  Even their mom barely tolerates them.  She won't take them more than 4 days a month most likely because her husband doesn't like them.