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Just NOT "feeling the love" for DH

KittyKat's picture

Hi, all....

Thanks so much everyone for all of your input/suggestions/common experiences regarding my past week with the nasty adult SDs. I found some time to finally read many of YOUR blogs, too, and it's uncanny how much we all have in common and how much we've "survived"!!

Anyhoo, since DH expected me to just "disappear" on Sunday when witches wanted daddy's time and attention, after I hit the roof, I was determined that I would just BE INVISIBLE for a few days (due to work, etc. I haven't been around him much) just to prove a point, but the problemm is, I am LIKING this. He has called me several times today (this is the third day that I am just being as cool as a cucumber toward him; hey, if I'm not GOOD ENUF when SDs are around, then maybe I just shouldn't BE AROUND and SO EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE all the time), and I just have NO INTEREST in talking to him. I honestly think I could walk into a lawyers' office tomorrow and just calmly file for divorce.

Of course I'm not going to do that, but I was wondering if any of YOU every feel this way??? I don't know if, after SAFELY venting to YOU ALL things I've wanted to scream about for YEARS, I have this cathartic "calm" about me? Or, if after years of being pushed around, I'm reaching "the straw that broke the camel's back" point? He wants to plan something for the weekend, and I know intimacy is part of it, but the thought of being "close" with him right now just turns me off.
I know marriage has its ups and downs, but these situations aren't TYPICAL of other marriages. One minute this man is telling me I am the love of his life and his best friend, the next day he treats me like garbage just because he's afraid of SDs. What kind of "best friend" does that?

I guess Ijust am not feeling "close" to him, and certainly not like a "best friend". In my heart, other than the wimpiness, he IS a great husband. I WANT TO stand my ground and stay 'cool" for a couple of days, but what if this feeling never goes away???

Comments

TheSaneOne's picture

Keep in touch - I am right here with you today - u would think the fact that i put up with all the BUllshit that fat beast he was married to dishes out - the fact that i have financially taken care of HIM and all his baggage would be enough to step up to the plate and do something. I am tired of being the one to fix all the f-in mess in our life - which right now i am so pissed that i see all this mess as being created BY HIM or because of him. I didn't have the problems single and i got by just fine for 30 years

SHIT OR GET OF THE POT DAMMIT!

TheSaneOne's picture

sorry - my past comment was directed towards my hubby not you - i am tired of hearing "I am trying to change - I know what I need to do to fi this" and I want him to just do it. I mean it took me two years to get him to just say it, before ignoring everyting was good enough - now just saying he's going to do something about it is enough for him.

ColorMeGone2's picture

KittyKat, I lived with that exact feeling for several years for different reasons. I was feeling more and more apathetic to my husband until I finally just couldn't stand to be around him and vice versa. I had my mental bags packed for two years, ready to pick up the kids and go at any moment. He was in a pretty bad place with his PTSD and was having serious anger management problems, was getting verbally and emotionally abusive, etc. Like you said, I wasn't feeling like the love of his life or like his best friend, anymore. He sure wasn't treating me that way. And yet he still expected sex! WTF?! He'd throw one of his "tantrums" and in my head, I was silently screaming to myself, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, drop dead!" It didn't last. He got better. I got better. I don't feel those hate thoughts for him, anymore. In fact, I can honestly say that I've fallen in love with him all over again. As for the loss of desire, that came back, too, and then some.

These are the things that helped us... he got into a treatment program for his PTSD and went through the Relationship Rescue program twice and still refer back to it. In the meantime, time, patience, acceptance, communication and perseverance did the rest. But the biggest contributor was time. I used to get so mad at him for knowing there was a problem and not doing a thing to try to fix it. I just decided to make some changes on my own and somehow, after that, everything started clicking into place.

Hang in there. I promise you, it can get better.

________________________________________________________________

ANNE 8102 | GEORGIA

sparky's picture

"but what if this feeling never goes away???" You know the answer to your question and you know whats going to happen if it never goes away.

stepwitch's picture

I too ended up not going thru with it. It to me was just too damn complicated. I'm glad now though. Through counceling and just the grace of prayer, got hubby and I thru some really difficult times. Or maybe it was that damn nimbus 2007 broom that crue lent me, if you need it, just ask it's yours next. Smile

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

stepped-on's picture

You are angry right now and have the right to be. Time heals, thank God! I decided that I’m not going to let others control me emotionally. It’s hard at times. Excess bag can either weigh you down or make you stronger. I have told my DH that if we didn't get counseling the marriage is over! We went to counseling. There r still times that I feel I could just walk. Yes, I hear the same things but my favorite he tells me is "we have a better marriage then 99.9% of most marriages. I'm not feeling it of course. I'm afraid like you that I will stop liking him. I did tell him that just the other day. "What if I really stop liking you?” I don't know if that comment clicked something in that head of his but he has been better towards me. I truly do love him. It would take a lot to kill this kind of love. My huasband is a great guy also,but on the other hand, he is so passive aggressive, non-communicator. Aaaahhhhh! Keep venting it helps.

KittyKat's picture

and I really can relate to YOUR comments about feeling like a "mistress" because you are kept out of the loop regarding your adult SDs. I couldn't have said it better myself. (I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS SITE!!!) I am SO SICK of feeling devalued....I really don't KNOW if DH is helping out at least one of them (two of my adult SDs have pretty decent careers), but I found out at one point that he had a joint savings account with one (again, without my knowledge) that contained a hefty sum, and I went ballistic. Since when don't you have a joint account with your SPOUSE (we have one, but the one he had with nasty SD had THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS in it).
His excuse was that she needed money for her wedding and she was able to just withdraw it as she needed it without bugging him, but I didn't buy that. HE DID CLOSE it, because I know where the money went (toward OUR MORTGAGE, something it should have been used for right from the beginning).

And that's the thing...all these "little things" just add up, you feel so belittled when you're "insulted" over and over again, and we're HUMAN!! It has to take some kind of emotional toll after awhile. You're right; the venting REALLY HELPS!! Thanx again!