I cannot win.
So now today, I was accused of going through her phone!?! I have no clue as to what she is talking about, none. I am saddened because she now says it is over and that I should give up on her.The neighbors are getting involved and a few have already stated that they have disagreed with our relationship from the start. (she is older) I changed one old ladies mind during a conversation in relatively five minutes, The rest can just suck it because they are bitter we WERE happy.
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sorry
I just do not want to even talk about it
No, I was giving her space
She stated that I went into her home when she was not there and deleted things on her phone. I DID contact her at that point and stated that she was nuts. The neighbors can suck it and I told a few of then JUST that.
As a side note she just called the cops on me, waking me up. She says I tried to kick in the back door and had sent harassing phone calls. The officers were nice and saw right through her attempts to make me look bad, or criminal. They stated that she had changed her demeanor three different times in five minutes and that I should watch out because they think that she is bi-polar. They read her texts and mine and said SHE was acting inappropriately and mine were nice. I am scared for her and wish she would seek help, but alas, she has kicked the ONLY one that see's her flip-flopping behavior to the curb. Her loss.
Kevin The Man
Wow, Kevin.
I think you really dodged a bullet on this one. Definitely sounds nutty bipolar (our BM has that problem, too). Thank God you didn't marry this nut!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I would say tell the neighbors to bite it....
They should not be in your business period. Why are you guys sharing personal relationship information with them? That is about the worse thing you can do.
I would say give her some space and yourself some time and space as well.
Sort your thoughts out for yourself - while she is doing to the same.
You will be able to think more clearly - and not have to hear bull about going through some phone as an excuse for breaking up or not trying any more.
Well
The one neighbor I have spoken to is a friend and drinking buddy, Soooo, I feel OK to talk with him. The old lady Gail was just commenting on how she didn't approve of us from the beginning, my SO being older. The SO however has spoken to about 8 different neighbors and like I said, this morning I told one to not even open their mouth and if I even heard so much as a peep that I would choke them out. They were a proverbial church mouse. We have always been a close knit neighborhood and know each other well. I like my neighbors but would simply kill them if they interfered in our relationship. (kill in a good way, you get what I mean) Unfortunately I am going to have to have accountable actions where ever I go so anything she comes up with would be refuted.
Kevin, I'm so sorry.
So, I don't know your ex-GF, and I don't know you except through these blogs. But I really think she's just a little too volatile to be a good partner. Tell yourself it's over, move on with your life. If she is meant to suddenly wake up and realize that you are the one for her and that you're worth fighting for (probably not gonna happen because she seems like she's not stable enough), then she'll have to wake up on her own and do the work to get you back. In the meantime, find someone who doesn't treat you like crap and doesn't accuse you of things you haven't done. I know they're out there.
I know you're probably thinking back to all the good times and how great it was at the beginning. But remember, it's always great in the beginning. The proof of a good relationship is when it stays great.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Kevin
Please understand that I am NOT trying to be harsh here, or mean. But my question to you now is.... WHAT is it going to take for you to walk away from this situation? See the thing is, I look at each argument as steps... sometimes they are an escalation.... sometimes a de-escalation (is that a word??!!)
Anyway... you and your SO have been taking steps. It may be that your SO is bipolar. But the truth of the matter is that you keep going along with this, in one way or another. Her bipolarness is also making you go back and forth back and forth, like a tug of war. I'm not going to recap all of your blogs, but in my opinion, that's what it looks like.
Now... back to the steps. Ok... so now she has called the POLICE on you. And you had to speak to them. If you let this continue at all... (which by your last entry I'm so hoping you will not)... then calling the police will become just another part of one of your arguments. It's almost like getting hit. The first time someone gets hit, they are surprised... and then it becomes common in a disagreement. Both the abuser and the abused become accustomed to that behavior as "Oh, that's just how they are argue".
Your SO needs some serious counseling... not just for herself, but for her boys that you are so close to. And I'm sorry to say, dear Kevin, that you need to see someone ON YOUR OWN as well, because you need to understand why you keep returning to this situation. It's volatile. And I suspect deep down you are doing it for more than love. Even though you have written above that it's done, I'm concerned for you that it is not.
Again... what will the turning point be? If calling the cops on you does not make you run, what will finally make you say ENOUGH??
Stick is genious
You know, I have always tried to treat others as I would wish to be treated and I wouldn't want someone to give up on me, no matter what. As a problem solver personality, I want to fix things all the time. I guess my parents were always in constant conflict but always seemed to go to bed together and love one another the next day. I guess I learned never give up from them?? Rest assured, it is going to take a whole hell of a lot for this woman to win me back, even then I doubt it. I have given up.
Kevin The Man
Yeah, it's interesting.
The way you describe yourself as a "problem solver" and wanting to fix things even when they are obviously broken. I think it's interesting that you're here, on a forum that has so many more women than men, because the way you describe yourself above is a kind of profile that I think people much more associate with women that won't leave dirtbag men.
What I would say to a woman is, do you think that maybe you have some self-esteem issues that would make you think you don't deserve better? If so, I agree with another poster above that you might consider counseling -- not for the relationship (which I hope is OVER), but for yourself. At any rate, I am heartened by your sentence "I have given up." Please remember you said that. It's going to suck that she lives near you, and my guess is that the problems with her are not over. For example, the next person you date, when she sees it, she'll probably not just smile and wish you luck. I hope you can square your shoulders and be determined and ready to move on, and to resist her attempts to lure you back into her world of craziness.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Kevin - As much as it hurts...
You really do need to get away from this woman.
She obviously has problems that are deeper than even you know about. And her cell phone? She's hiding something from you. If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't have freaked out like that whether you actually did look at her phone or not.
People like your ex (and like the BM that I deal with) tend to project sh*t onto other people. When DH and BM were married, she used to accuse DH of cheating on an almost weekly basis. He found out after he left her nasty ass that she was actually cheating on him. She loved accusing me of being soooo many things, including a whore (which I am NOT), turns out she's had 2(that we know of) abortions, because birth control is too 'complicated' for her. So that old saying "Whoever smelt it, dealt it" rings so true... I'd be watching your home, and changing the locks if I were you. Given the fact that she's accused you of going into her house when she hasn't been there, I'm almost 100% certain she's gone into your home when you haven't been there. BM did the same thing to DH, and took things - so keep an inventory of your things as well...
You need to put some distance between the two of you asap.
Kevin,
I say this out of kindness, what are you still doing there? BB and Stick both commented on how your EX SO is a little unstable but in a way so are you....
Why do you want this woman, so much, who continuously demeans you and hurts you?
It is obvious from your blogs that your SO does not want you--at least not right now, so why keep hurting yourself. Have you thought of counseling for just you?
One can only hope!
I am still trying to figure out if belle just called me a woman!
Haha, I jest. I have just always been a big hearted kind of guy. I do not think I need help although I do push to fix and repair I fully understand when I am being trampled on. I have few self-esteem issues, I actually really like myself and believe I have a lot to offer the opposite sex in a partner. Last Nerve made some very good points because she HAS been in my place and snooping about on several occasions. I do not however believe there is someone else, she isn't like that. Funny how I see all of this as just simply being a bunch of petty crap that has gotten us to this point, and she see's fundamental issues, yeah, her issues. I am OK with her in the neighborhood and can adjust my schedule to avoid her.
I would like to ask about how I should handle the boys. I am sure she will tell them God knows what to handle the situation and although I know they cannot come over for movie night anymore, I still want to toss the ball to them in the pool should we be there at the same time.
Why I guess it hurts so much is because she is losing just me, and I get to lose three people and a dog.....
Kevin The Man
LOL!!!
Kevin, no, I'm not saying you're a chick!
But I think it's interesting that a common denominator of people who are on here seems to be the fact that they see a perceived "need" (your exGF's kids need a father figure, my DH needed a woman who could validate him and back him up, bewitched's STBXH apparently needed a meal ticket and a punching bag...). But seriously, we all saw that something/someone was "needed" in this dynamic, and we jumped in to help out/save the day. And we all got burned for it by someone. And we all stayed, despite being burned, for a lot longer than many people would have. It's mostly women on here, and I think women often are the ones who do this.
There was a blog on here a while ago where someone asked, "If your BF/DH was in your position, do you think he would have stayed as long as you have?" Almost every woman said, HELL NO! Maybe I'm wrong here, but it seems to me that more men than women would see these kinds of situations and say, this is too much drama for me -- and get while the gettin' was good.
Of course, I am a woman, and I think women are great! So, I guess you can consider it a compliment that I made the connection!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Kevin
Your relationship with the boys WILL change. No doubt about it. The only thing you can do - and this is MY OWN OPINION here - is to not fall into any traps. Stay cordial with them. If you see them in the pool (I'm guessing it's a community apartment / condo type pool situation), then by all means, I believe it is okay to engage with them. BUT -big big big BUT here. You cannot discuss your SO with them at all. No, hey how's your mom.. how's she doing? What's new with her. If they bring her up... you'll have to acknowledge and disengage. Those boys may need you in their life if she is truly that unstable. But for now, keep it civil, keep it light and stay away. You don't want her bipolar self to start using the boys to get to you. So try to do everything not to make that happen.
Run Forrest, RUN!
Run Forrest, RUN!
Stick, ehhh
How do I not let the boys become her weapon?? What is the scenario so I can anticipate it BEFORE it happens. I am not interested by the things I DO see but what will come at me from left field on a random Tuesday. As you all do, I hope to anticipate moves and counter with my pawn at every turn.
Kevin
Well, of course not too many can predict or anticipate something BEFORE it happens. If I could - I would be on TV!
I think you always have to "play it safe".... "keep your cards close"... etc etc. Stay away from her and don't seek out her boys. IF you run into them, then of course, be civil, but keep it on THEM... not on her. And if they try to talk to you about their mom, just try to block that, or stop the conversation. It could be hard.
The thing is... and please don't take this the wrong way... YOU NEED TO MOVE ON. You need to let go. By trying to anticipate her moves "so that you can counter" means that she is still in your life and that you are still reacting to hers. It's time to just let it go. That's why I wrote..IF you run into her boys. It's time to start thinking you WON'T.
I know this is hard. But it makes me think of a saying.
The opposite of love is NOT hate. The opposite of love is INDIFFERENCE.
Does that make sense?