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Do I have this thing figured out yet?

kelly123's picture

If I were the author of a book on stepparenting:

 

I think chapter one would be called:  Let Your Own Dad Do it

I think chapter two would be called: Go Ask Your Own Dad

I think chapter three would be called: I'm Going To Focus On My Own Kids

I think chapter four would be called: No More Disciplining Someone Else's Kids

I think chapter five would be called: Maybe I Finally Have This Thing Figured Out

 

My. stepparenting book would be kind of a guidebook, a quick "how-to" book  to be referenced at a moment's notice.  If only I had a book like this when I entered into this relationship 5 1/2 years ago with a man who had two kids, while I had two of my own.  I worked so hard to make a strong blended family, with a culture of respect, shared expectations and strong boundaries, positive reinforcement.... and what I got was total failure.  You see, you can't parent in a bubble, or do it alone.  I was carrying everything and honestly trying too hard.  Giving up on my investment in parenting his kids is going to be freeing for me.   He needs to parent his, and I will parent mine. And I should have done that from the beginning.  

 

If I sound cynical, I am.  I was naive when I started all of this.  Now I am jaded, but still here.  Let's see how this one reads. 

Comments

JRI's picture

Don't feel bad, Kelly.  We were all hopeful, idealistic and naive going into it.  I bet every step parent on this site meant well and wanted things to work out. The problem is, there is no awareness among the general public of the common issues we deal with:  Disney parents, mini'wives, PAS and all the rest.  So maybe your book would be a good idea.  Chspter 6:  BM Stay Out of my Life.  Chapter 7:  You're Right, I'm Not Your Mom.  Chapter 8:  No, You Can't Move In.

I'm betting others will have chapter suggestions.

kelly123's picture

Amazing additional chapter suggestions.  lol.  The weirdest thing in all of this is that I am a parenting coach/long-time educator and KNOW the drill.... know the research... know how to work with these kids...   that is the most frustrating thing.  But what I am realizing in this situation after all these years is that it is NOT just about the kids.  Kids are great and flexible and resilient and loving and want to please at their core, for the most part.  What I'm realizing is that it is the adults that are the problem.  Divorce messes with people, and the adults here (boyfriend and his ex-wife) just don't do it well...  The opportunity for success here was reliant on the modeling of the adults, and adults need to back each other up, have teachable moments with kids based on honesty, and positivity and integrity... and without that, THAT is when this all fails.    Thanks for your insight and comment.  I totally agree. 

 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You ar not cynical at all. Just accepting of the reality. You are 100% spot on and I wish I had a book like that as a guide before I became involved with a man with kids and a dysfunctional, Passing BM. 

kelly123's picture

Thank you for your comment.  I absolutely love the validation here.  I am gaining so much strength here on this site from people who absolutely know what I am talking about.  Thank God I found you people!!  Have a great day.

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

When I initially went into my step-situation.... I thought things were going to be magic.  Everyone was going to act like an adult for the kids, the in-laws were going to respect my role as the wife, the kids and I were going to get along great (that one was at least true),  and my X was actually going to treat me well and respect my roll as the wife and an adult in our home.

Reality shatters a lot, and it's hard to face, but the sooner you face reality, the quicker you can adapt for you and your own personal needs.  It's not cynical to face reality Smile

kelly123's picture

"The sooner you face reality, the quicker you can adapt for you and your own personal needs.  It's not cynical to face reality".... thanks for this.....   FACING REALITY is going to be empowering here for me.  No more living in the "I wish it was this way", and more living in the "this is the way it is". and I GOT THIS.  As long as I stay true to my integrity and compass, I'm good. 

JRI's picture

I'm 75yo so I can tell you the epilogue is, "It Never Ends".

CLove's picture

There are volumes and volumes of information collected over YEARS here on this site.

It would appear that things go dark for many. I think, as opposed to a cautionary book, perhaps a how to find success book. Or what to look for before you decide to date/get married book.

I would add some chapters, thats for sure:

Creating Boundaries and Enforcing Them

Entry-level Disengagement Tactics, Advanced Disengagement Tactics

How to Navigate Finances with a Man with Children

How to Leave When Youve Had Children and Blending Does Not Work