My empty shell of a Marriage
It's 6:30 in the morning and I've been awake since 2am. I've come to the awful conclusion that my marriage is over and all I can feel is gut wrenching grief.My DH says that he wants me and wants this to work but he is not present at all in our relationship. There is no intimacy left and it seems to me that our life together is very superficial.
Oh, the physical intimacy is there (we've always been very good at that) but nothing of the beautiful emotional intimacy we once shared remains...
SD18 is due to give birth this week and I am afraid that the guilt and longing that he feels is only going to be magnified and it will drive him farther and farther away from me.
You see, I have decided that in order to save myself, I had to cut SD from my life completely. I believe that he accepts my decision because he knows how hard I have tried but I have been sabotaged at every turn by him (guilt/cowardice/laziness), BM (psycho), and SD (manipulative, nasty bitch). I do not say anything to him with regards to his involvement with SD ( that is his right to have a relationship with her and I do not interfere) but I know that my stand bothers him and he feels torn.. I say I know this but I can't be sure as he will not discuss anything to do with emotions regarding SD (and obviously she is on both of our minds 24/7).
I feel like he thinks the marriage is over too but like everything else, he won't do anything about it unless I do something about it. We have been in therapy on and off for the last 4 years but the only thing that has accomplished is that he understands my point of view but does nothing to really fundamentally change his behavior.
I am sick of all the compromising I have done over the years (I lower the bar and it is looked upon as an excuse to lower that bar even farther). I am bitter and I no longer want my life to revolve around what SD is/is not going to do. I feel like his happiness is always going to be dictated by whether or not SD is happy ( so he will always be unhappy because she certainly will never be happy or satisfied)
I'm scared and heart-broken and I am a coward too.
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grief
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Only you can decide about your future and what you want. I do know that it takes 2 people to make a marriage and only 1 to break it. I think you should prepare your self for the future if you stay in it because once that baby gets here he will be a grandpa and that is going to make their relationship even more profound.
Thanks Sparky
and I don't have a problem with their relationship becoming "more profound". They should have a wonderful relationship, they are father and daughter. What I see right now is a very superficial relationship between husband and wife and between father and daughter. We all lose and my DH is the common denominator.
This is sad
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and are in a place of such sadness. When I ended my marriage I knew the moment my heart had been irreparably broken. I had hung on through months of unhappiness, but there was a defining moment when I KNEW/DECIDED whatever you want to call it, that I was done.
If this ends up being your choice, just remember, you can get through this, and life will inevitably change. No matter how bad you feel in the short term, things will get better.
Wishing you peace!
~NS
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
keekee
My heart aches for you ..I have been there too, but just know like NS said it will get better!
I never would have thought I could be as happy as I am right now after the bullshit I went thru in my first marriage.
how sad for your husband--his life will never be his own.
hugs
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
siren is right on
yes it will get better. I know because I went through what you are going through. For years I stayed in a marriage that was all my H and his son. (this site wasnt around then) I kept thinking as he got older it would improve, but it just got worse. He (my H) was an a$$ also. When i left i felt like no one would ever want me. That my life was over. How wrong i was! My life had just started!! Good luck to you and hugs!!
I know
how you feel keekee i am coming to that point myself and right now i feel like hired help in my own home but only get paid with disrespect.I am lonely and feel used.I hope everything turns out for you.Marriages will never work unless you love yourself to.
sam
excellent point ..you have to love yourself!! In my first marriage I did not NOT at all, in fact I was very depressed and suicidal..
lucky for me I went to a good therapist and went back to school, now I like who I am!!
(now if I were only 5'10" skinny..blonde .JK!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
So sorry
So sorry to hear what you're going through -- but good for you for knowing what you have to do. Do keep reading the posts of other people here, they know that you will get your life back, and one day you will look back on this moment and realize what a right thing you did to stick up for yourself and take your life back.
My marriage is in pretty
My marriage is in pretty much the same place, minus the physical intimacy. Every day becomes a struggle to march forward. My DW has emotionally left me. She says she wants it to work, but she rarely takes action on the exercises our counselor suggests. Her distance is due to our differences regarding parenting SD13. She cant say no to the girl. She just wants to be friends. So I am dealing with a lazy messy disrespectful 13 year old. My wife wont ask her to pick up after herself, but she will go to lengths to point out something I haven't done.
Much of what you wrote could have been written by me. This paragraph fits exactly, other than you are dealing with a DH and I have a DW filling the same roll.
I am sick of all the compromising I have done over the years (I lower the bar and it is looked upon as an excuse to lower that bar even farther). I am bitter and I no longer want my life to revolve around what SD is/is not going to do. I feel like his happiness is always going to be dictated by whether or not SD is happy ( so he will always be unhappy because she certainly will never be happy or satisfied)
Best of luck.
I'm so sorry
You can hear the pain you're experiencing through your post. It's not fair and I'm sorry. I understand. My husband is selfish and would prefer not to raise his own kids. I've taken on all that I can and he continues to just pile the work, responsibility, guilt, etc right on top. At least you're in therapy. I tried to get my husband to go about a year ago and it failed miserably, mostly because he couldn't handle someone tellin him he was wrong.
Do what you need to do for you and the rest will sort itself out. No one can make you feel unimportant unless you let them.