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Forget what I knew when I married. I know better now.

kayjay117's picture

I moved into my own home with my DS9 Jan 15th. Recall, while I was living with DH he didn't want me to know anything about his financial situation nor did he want my financial help. He wouldn't discuss anything with me. DH hasn't lost his job but he may not work for weeks at a time with no pay so finances are tightening up for him.

Well, DH tells me last night he is getting SS16 & SS14 in line now. By this he means, he told his sons they may not be able to go to their school next year because he needs to find more affordable housing away from the school district. Also recall, DH would not even consider moving into the brand spanking new larger house I had bought a year before we married because skids didn't want to change schools. I sold it at a loss to move in with DH. Guess where DH plans on relocating to??? Yep, to my newly purchased downsized house. He must be kidding! I don't know because for once I was speechless and couldn't find the words to ask.

I left to get away from the lazy, undisciplined, disrespectful downright mean (to my DS), rude and nasty skids he wouldn't say boo to and now he wants to follow me. I can assure you absolutely nothing has changed with his parenting style. He allowed them to rule his house and would not speak to me for days at a time because I kept pushing for order. I am prepared to live in separate househoulds until his youngest reaches adulthood and goes off to college. DH who adamantly refused counseling before I left now wants to go. I told him to set up the appointment.

Comments

Endora's picture

I think your plan is a good one! If he wants it to work he is going to have to work at it! Your DS does not need bullying from SB's-glad he is away from that!

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

KittyKat's picture

You walked the walk, he knew you MEANT it, and that was the only thing that precipated any CHANGE in his behavior.

My question: Do you even WANT him back? That just seems the likely scenario; you did all the work, you got fed up, you left, now he wants you back (typical), not realizing that MAYBE THIS TIME it is TOO LATE!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

kayjay117's picture

This is where I start second guessing myself.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do not want to live with any kid (yours, mine or ours) that does not know his/her place, is rude, disrepectful and so on. I do not want to stay with a husband that does not treat me as an equal and does not have my back when I need him to.

I want what I thought I was getting in the first place. But does that exist? I do know that I and DS are perfectly happy as we are. In fact, DS told me right after we moved that if Skids came to live with us he was moving to Grandma's.

DH mentioned last week that I act as if I'm okay with our arrangement. I told him I am now that I've moved out. It may sound heartless but its true. I really don't want another divorce. I just have to figure out if I want to do what's right for me or everyone else.

KittyKat's picture

YOU did it "his way", he didn't like it....please don't let him PRESSURE you or GUILT you into "his way" now. It is very obvious that he cannot LIVE WITHOUT YOU (hence, all the attempts NOW to change to please you), but can you honestly same the same???

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

sam's picture

stood up for yourself and stood your ground it takes a very strong person to do that.Way to go!!!!

sam's picture

you should take your time and dont rush into it now.Think about you and your son and enjoy the peace.

Endora's picture

Is exactly what I would have done in hindsight-until SS had graduated High School and was off to college-as it was, I put off living together for two years-now I am stuck in a version of Bill Murray's "Ground Hog Day" of the perpetual non-parenting movie-

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

belleboudeuse's picture

Definitely proud of you for standing up for yourself. I'm new here so don't know you yet, but I'm impressed you did this.

stepmasochist's picture

I insisted on buying it myself, for it to be in my name. We use it a couple of weekends a month and it's only 20 minutes away from my job. FH and I are planning to marry this year and he has custody of his 3 kids.

This little cabin is my backup plan in case I ever need separate living quarters. It may seem somewhat defeatist to marry him thinking I might need somewhere else to go someday, but I look at it as, if we come to an impasse regarding the skids, it might just save our marriage. I say hang on to your seperate space if there's any way you possibly can.

kayjay117's picture

to keep my house for a weekend place. I wouldn't have lost so much money I couldn't afford selling at a loss, moving and then moving again. I think that's a grand sanity saving idea.

sparky's picture

Why did you tell him to set up the appointment?????????????????? After every thing that you have been through you are still willing to give him a chance? I would tell him to go to HELL!!! and not to contact me anymore.

kayjay117's picture

Why I need to prove that point, I don't know. I'm just having a real hard times coming to terms with a second failed marriage.

Endora's picture

Very difficult for you. My BFF was married three times-the third time she decided that marriage was something she was not going to put herself through again-I watched her son suffer with A$$hole #3 and I am so glad she came to her conclusions (in her case)-she has met a nice guy-they have their houses and they also have a great time together and it works for them.

You did not fail this marriage!

Keep your chin up!

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

Tara12's picture

I am keeping my house and renting it out. I will never be without a backup plan or some sort of security. I have never been married but have had too many engagements where things went down the crapper. You gotta be like a cat and be able to always land on your feet! Smile

sparky's picture

You dont need to prove anything to anybody. You did not fail at your second marriage he did. He let you and your son down after all the sacrifices that you made to be with him. Time and time again I have heard that remark on here about how people hang onto the second or third marriage longer just because they dont want to feel like a failure even when they know its not going to work and everybody is miserable. You did the right thing getting your self and your son out of there and he will remember what you have done for him.