Long time...SD disowned her dad & me!
Hey, it's been probably over a year since I have been online. So much has happened and my life is crazy busy!! Just wanted to ask if anyone has gone through what happened to my fiance and I late last year. My 16yr old SD decided the night of her 16th party that her dad and I were "losers" because we didn't approve of drinking alcohol or smoking for 16yr olds nor hanging out with 18yr old guys. so, she decided to go back to live with her mum, because she lets her do whatever the hell she wants. The SD has not spoken to her father or me and I am incrediably hurt and upset about it. I supported her financially and emotionally for two years while her mother didn't care about what she was doing. I was there for her and loved her and loved having her (despite the normal challenges of raising a female teenager!) I did not get an apology for her behaviour nor a word of thanks or appreciation for the two years of my life I dedicated to her. Her dad won't speak to her until she comes to see us and basically apologise to us and agree with how we think she should be living her life. Since living with her mother, we have seen her out on the street on a Sat night at 8pm drinking with friends. We have seen her on a school night drnking illegally in a pub at 10pm - like her mum seriously doesn't care what she does - it makes me sick.
Anyway - just needing to vent. SS who is now 15 is a bit of a handful but I kno he respects and loves his dad and me and I love having him in my life. I just feel so sad for him that he has also in a way lost the relationship he had with his sister, all she seems to care about ow is drinking, clothes and boys. Dangerolus combination. So worried but yet what to do when she thinks I'm a loser and obviously has no respect for me or my values or wishes for her?
Thanks for listening everyone,
I thought the longer you were a step parent, the easier it would become. How wrong could I be??!!
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Comments
hey
sorry to say this but i dont think she will stop drinking i did it when i was her age. but know that when she grows up she will value you i hated my sf but i know i love him and aprreciate everything he does for me.
as for the drinking at least if she is drinking at her mums some one is there to keep an eye on her unless her mother is incompetent which if she is letting her drink is more than likely.
just do not give her money and she cant drink
yep
I think you are right. Her mother doesn't supervise when she is drinking! she just does it out with her friends. We don't give her any money because we don't see her. But someone got into our house and took $400 cash from my fiance's draw where he hides his spare money and she knows exactly his hiding spot. We think it was her and we had the police interview her but she said she knew nothing about it (of course). Anyway, I just hope that maybe when she is 21 she'll have grown up and come back into our lives. All I want is an apology and some respect, too much to ask??
There is nothing you can do except
be consistent. Keep your boundaries and reasonable expectations in place. That child is going to live her life the way she sees fit and at this stage she doesn't seem to care what kind of an impact it has on anyone else around her.
She sounds a lot like my SD17. As soon as someone calls her on her behaviour, she runs. So many good people have opened up their hearts and homes to her.In every case, as soon as they caught on to her manipulative ways and tried to hold her responsible for her actions, she viciously turned on them.
It's a bitter pill to swallow, but the sooner you realize that you have zero control over the situation the easier it will become for you. It's still a horrible, unfortunate and sometimes tragic outcome but if there is nothing you can do about it, wasting your life stewing about it and wallowing in guilt and self-doubt will be doubly tragic.
Believe me when I say I have been there and done that. I spent 11 years of my life trying to control a situation that I mistakingly thought I could fix...
My story is very similar to yours except my husband was a prime example of guilt parenting (yours seems to be holding his daughter accountable-good for him and YOU). BM is just as permissive as yours and BM's and DH's families have always had the attitude that "poor" SD had to be cut a lot of slack because she is the product of a broken home. My kids are also a product of a broken home but they still have to be accountable for their actions.
I was the only one in SD's life to hold her accountable and of course she hates my guts. But I am perfectly fine with that now. I know in my heart that I have done my best. The outcome is far beyond my control and once I realized this the release of pressure was palatable.
My SD17 is an angry, miserable soul with a juvenile record and a 7th grade education. She ran 2000 miles away to be with her juvenile deinquent boyfriend. She has no intention of getting a job and now she is pregnant.
This beautiful, extremely artistic, talented child has taken a path that has broken her father's heart but he also realizes that it is her path to take and he can't go down it with her.... we need to live our own lives just as she is determined to live hers.
Sorry for rambling on but I think maybe I wrote all this because I needed to form these concrete ideas for myself.It is not an ideal situation but how could it be anything else other than what it is.
God, I know how you feel.
KeeKee
brought me to tears
thank you thank you THANK YOU KeeKee! Wow, were they the words I REALLY needed to hear. You have hit the nail on the head and I have grave fears for my SD safety and life but I know you are right that she has to live by her own decisions if she choses to not live by our values and rules. It just breaks my heart to see my fiance have his heart broken by her (much worse for him than me). He lost them to their manipulative mother for so many years and now his daughter is turning into a mini version of his ex wife - how frightening.
You're right though - I thought I could save her I thought I could make a difference to her life. I guess at the end of the day, these teenagers are accountable for their decisions and I shouldn't feel like I have failed her. The saddest thing is that having these children in my life has turned me off having children of my own as I am so fearful that they could turn out like my step-kids! Even though I would raise them very differently. I think I was very niave before having them and though that being a parent was easy - how hilarious! It's bloody hard work! Rewarding yes, but challening too. Thanks again for sharing your story with me, I cried as I read your note but am now feeling much better and should be able to sleep tonight now, thanks kxx
I'm so glad
I could help.
The next time you feel yourself slipping back into despair, come back and talk to me...I have times that I slide back into the old ways of thinking and it is just as beneficial for me to verbalize these things as it is for you to hear them..
Pleasant Dreams Kato,
KeeKee
Knowing and accepting
is half the battle. Good for both of you that you remained consistent to your expectations and boundaries. To do otherwise would have meant allowing a child to run your homes. In my book a child does not pay the bills, does not provide food and stability, therefore has no say in the important day-to-day running of the home. Kudos to you both.
The flip side is that, and it is sad, when there is a submissive and "friend" parent, it makes it so hard on the parent that is there for the parent to do their part as parent. It is even more frustrating that when a child has grown up in ad around manipulation, it is very hard to undo and SD is emulating that which she saw for the first 14 years. Only then does the "firend" parent get fed up because they can't control them and send them to the "real" parent and at this point it is often too late.
"Friend" parents need to realize that their children have friends their own age and emotional capacity and the parents should get some that are within theirs.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
It is so hard to wait and see
Several years back, I had a little sister (big brother/big sister) - She was behaving very similarly. She got kicked out of every place, including her moms. I (foolishly, I feel now) set her up with a three month contract and took her in. When the three months were up, I had to kick her out. Apart from not abiding by the contract she also stole from me. About six months later, she showed up on my door again - four months pregnant. She had been living on the street. I found a local home for unwed mothers and dropped her there. I couldn't let her back in. The home decided I was a bad influence on her and encouraged no further contact. A year or so later, I heard she had her own place, was employed and taking care of her child. I think she may have turned herself around, though I can't confirm it. If so, then I can only think I helped, I didn't hurt.
Flash forward - geez foreshadowing in my real life, eh? My SD's BM sounds exactly like yours - no rules no responsibility. When SD graduated HS at 17, she decided to go live with dear old mum. No rules, no responsibility, but yeah! a live-in bf (for SD). She lived there for two years, we got periodic calls for cash, which we always denied. I encouraged my DH to make a token call once a week. They were rarely returned, but as I said to him - you are the parent, that is what parents do. Finally, the call was returned, two years later. SD was preggo, BM couldn't afford to keep her. They had no money for medical bills, or really even to eat. None of the three of them - not a one - had a job. DH started crying. I agreed we would take SD (and SD only) in, but only if we had rules.
It has been really hard. I can see progress, but the back sliding hurts. SD has learned her BM's lessons on how to be a manipulative mooch extremely well.
Lately, my DH has seen a little more of the light about why the rules are important. You are So ahead in that department! My SD is realizing the only person who can take care of herself is herself, AND that her choices now impact her life in the future.
It is hard, two situations that are very similar. One, it doesn't seem it was so successful, the other, the jury is still out. But if the door is open for the crash and you stick to your guns, I continue to believe that the outcome will be better. Yours will be too.