New here, wanting to step out
I've tried the whole step up thing. I have three bios who have come behind trying to satisfy an entitled, disgusting GU woman for the past 5 years. I have 2 step daughters and a 7 month old baby. Things got so bad with GU that I eventually took a job (I'm a social worker) 3000 miles away, and we relocated. My career has been in jeopardy because of this woman and lies she encourages oldest daughter to tell, has ruined relationships with family members, and has gotten over 21,000 more over a four year period over child support because she added half of daycare on top of calculated child support which includes daycare. She consistently tells us in messages that we are horrible and are shoving our parenting ideals down her throat (and if she means encouraging her to seek services that she's says is voodoo for youngest who is severely autistic, then yes. At our last visit, because she refuses to let them come and has now said she won't sign the parenting plan that SHE wrote, she chose to not tell us that the youngests behaviors have gotten so dangerous and aggressive that she almost crushed the baby's rib cage, her response when hubby confronted her, "I meant to tell you about that."
My husband is supportive and has worked on boundaries over the years with her...I would have left otherwise.
She sent an email today that, like so many other days she has sent messages, that makes me question who I am: "am I this person she says I am, I must be, maybe I am that horrible" when this happens I feel like I'm going crazy, like maybe I am doing things that make me a bad person. I have never confronted her in all the years and things she has done, not a word, not an email. I'm struggling to keep my head clear and am feeling so much guilt, shame, fear, anger, confusion. All clear signs of a narcissistic GUs manipulative remorseless behaviors. The only thing, I can't shake the feelings.
Please help of you can. Any words or thoughts or strategies. I want my husband to be happy and I have been doing most of the fighting to make sure we have the girls, but I have been breaking because of it and have told him that I can't any more. Then, more guilt and shame for giving up.
Thank you all ahead of time!
Ps sorry for any typos or misplaced words, I used my phone to post this.
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^^^This. Sally, here's a call
^^^This. Sally, here's a call for the disengaged essay.
I don't fully know your
I don't fully know your situation, so I cannot advise you specifically, but in general, I think most of us who use this forum came here because we reach this line where we don't know what else to do and are ready to snap.
Many of us wind up taking a step back for sake of our sanity, and while it sounds like giving up, it is not. It is putting yourself and your 7 month old child first, which is ultimately what you need to do.
We are all starting out our mixed families with this idea that we are going to be like Maria from sound of music and these step kids are going to love us and sing songs in the hills with us. Let's just throw that idea out right now. Especially since it doesn't factor in BM who will ruin your life every chance she gets... For. Ever. Absorb and embrace that.
You cannot make DH deal with BM a certain way and you cannot make BM a good parent. You are not God. All you can do is choose how you deal with this all. Sometimes wiping your hands of it can be so liberating. Just say, "Sorry DH, but your child almost seriously injured my baby and until you have that under control in a noticeable way, she is not welcome to touch my baby" Or... "Until you all have a plan of action to aid in SD's autism issues, I am disengaging from this situation."
Other than that, come here often. This site helped me survive my first years in a mixed family. Without it I would likely be a single divorced parent right now!
I have told my husband that
I have told my husband that that the youngest skid will not be in the house with any of the other children period. I also told him that I'm not going to try to fix this for him when he decided to sleep with a disgusting pig. I told him that I won't be responsible for the sociopath his ex is creating in a child who's favorite show is American horror story and lies. I work in the mh field and I know what that type of family dynamic creates, I detain them all of the time. I have tried to disengage in the past and have not been successful. I left it to him and she tried to hold him in contempt. The judge didn't agree but awarded her all the 3500 she wanted and I had proof from the bank that she got and was deposited into her account. So I'm scared to just leave it.